Why the NSA Probably Thinks I’m a Mold Terrorist
On Thursday, the Guardian revealed that the NSA has been spying on millions of Verizon customers in an effort to make the world safer for us all. This means that if you’re just a random speck of Verizon customer in the universe, the government can find out who you’re calling, and for how long and from where (but not what you’re saying). As a Verizon customer myself, I started to wonder whether my call patterns were at all suspicious. They are very suspicious.
Here is my call log, for inquiring minds:
29 May, 1:48 p.m.: Air conditioning company to Rebecca Harrington (New York to New York, 21 seconds)
Yesterday I thought that the huge pieces of dust flying out of my A/C were dust, but an air conditioning repair expert told me they are actually chunks of mold, and that there’s no way to clean mold out of an A/C. No wonder I get sick for several months every time I air-condition! (Later, I looked up things about mold online. It can slowly kill you if you are not careful! It killed Britney Murphy and her weird husband.) Now some other repairman is calling me back after I called him a million times, but I don’t need his services anymore. I just need to get rid of this stupid A/C that is stuffed with poison.
29 May, 2:50 p.m.: Rebecca Harrington to Mom Harrington (New York to Rhode Island, 7 minutes)
“I still have mold in my A/C,” I tell my mom, or, as she’s known in my phone, Mom Harrington.
“That’s horrible,” says Mom Harrington. “I don’t want to tell you all the things I looked up about mold because I don’t want to scare you.”
“What are they?” I ask her.
“I can’t tell you,” says Mom Harrington. “It’s probably nothing.”
30 May, 9:05 p.m.: Rebecca Harrington to her building’s front desk (New York to New York, 44 seconds)
I call my building’s front desk to ask the super to get rid of the A/C. He says he’ll do it this weekend. I feel very relieved and also thankful that I have a super. Because what if I did not? I would have to die of mold.
30 May, 1:29 p.m.: Rebecca Harrington to Mom Harrington (New York to Rhode Island, 22 minutes)
“Hi,” says Mom Harrington. “How is the mold?”
“It’s good,” I say. “They are going to take out my A/C this weekend.”
“Good,” says Mom Harrington. “And it’s good you are going to your college reunion this weekend. You don’t want to be around when there is still mold in your apartment.”
“Why?” I ask.
“I don’t want to say,” answers Mom Harrington.
31 May, 12:54 p.m. and 3:45 p.m.: Rebecca Harrington to her b.f.f. (Boston to Boston, 38 seconds and 36 seconds respectively)
One of these calls is about meeting up at a hamburger place. The hamburger place is really bad! It is worse than I remember. The other time I am just like, “Where are you! I am changing into a dress.” The college reunion is kind of lame.
2 June, 1:45 p.m.: Rebecca Harrington to her childhood dentist (Random Countryside to Rhode Island, 1 minute)
I cancel my dentist appointment on the train back to New York. I still go to the dentist in Rhode Island even though I have been living in New York for 4 years. On his answering machine, I tell my dentist all about the mold.
2 June, 7:29 p.m.: Rebecca Harrington to her building’s front desk (New York to New York, 55 seconds)
“Hi!” I say. “I just wanted to know if my A/C is out of my apartment.”
“No,” says my building, all Kafka-y. “But it will be soon.”
I am not worried but I am a little worried.
4 June, 11:03 a.m.: Rebecca Harrington to telemarketer (New York to Florida, 14 seconds)
A telemarketer called me so I need to call them back to see if they are someone important and fun. Wrong, they are a robot.
4 June, 11:06 a.m.: Rebecca Harrington to her building’s front desk (New York to New York, 6 minutes)
Finally, the super gets on the phone with me. The man means business. He tells me he is not going to remove the A/C. He also tells me that he doesn’t think there is mold in the A/C at all! I tell him all about the expert and he doesn’t care. He says I have to get a repairman to remove the A/C and I tell him, “Okay, I am on it.”
4 June, 11:09, 11:10, and 11:12 a.m.: Rebecca Harrington to various A/C repair companies (New York to New York, 1 minute each)
I call millions of A/C repair people in New York City (well, really three). They are all busy. What is going on with them? Finally, one answers me. He tells me that you can definitely clean mold out of an A/C and that he will come over on Monday and do it in an hour. I am very relieved. My mold obsession is over.
But let’s say you had no context for any of this! Let’s say you didn’t know why I was calling my building or A/C repairmen every two hours. You could feasibly think I was obsessed with my building and planning a mold attack on it! This is why context is key, and why the NSA should therefore be listening in on my calls, not just collecting all the other information about them. Silly NSA.
