God Made Me Wait For You

And I didn’t rush Him.

I waited until my 30s to have my first child. Partly my choice but, mainly God’s plan.

I can’t say how many times people asked when I was going to have kids — I’m sure I could pay cash for Dawson’s college if I had a dollar for every time I heard that question. I felt pressure from all of these outside forces to become a mom. I distinctly remember going through my high school yearbook and realizing that I was one of a handful of girls in my graduating class that was NOT married or did NOT have kids already. I was 26. Twenty-six years old. I had barely figured out how to take care of myself at that point but I felt immense pressure to bring another life into the world to give my time and energy.

I wasn’t ready….and God knew it.

I had people ask if I had fertility issues. Not their business, first off, but, no. I had donated my eggs six times to complete strangers all over the world so they could start their own families. My fertility was not the issue. I was.

Looking back, I don’t regret waiting. Sure, I will be a little older when my son graduates high school and I will be a little older when I become a grandma for the first time. But 30-year-old me (actually days shy of 31) was in a different headspace than 26-year-old me.

I am so much more intentional with my time.

I know his life is going to fly by and before I know it, he’s going to be a full-grown man that doesn’t need his mommy anymore.

I much more patient.

I understand that the only way he can communicate his needs to me right now is through crying. A LOT OF CRYING. Would 26-year-old me have been so patient and intentional with a new baby? I don’t think so. I had 30 years to myself and when I was ready to share my body, my time, my energy — my LIFE with a new little person…I prayed.

I prayed so damn hard for God to make me a mom.

Nothing happened.

Did I mess up my chances by donating my eggs so many times? Was I not supposed to be a mom?

I would lie awake at night thinking that I was going to have to live in the stepmom realm forever. This place where you get a sense of what it’s like to be someone’s mom but you’re constantly reminded that you’re not. It’s a strange place to be for a childless woman that wants to be a mom.

I continued praying and actually believed that God would answer my prayers. I wasn’t just throwing lost hope up into the air. I fully believed God would make me a mom because Jeremiah 29:11.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Then he did. At the perfect moment — 4 months into planning my wedding (insert BIG LOL). I had even bought my dress already. I was 6 months pregnant on my wedding day and I don’t regret it for a minute. I didn’t have the svelte figure I wanted in my form-fitting lace wedding dress, but I am reminded that my son was there in every wedding photo.

Not at all how I had it planned. But, I’m not the one doing the planning here. God has a sense of humor for sure.

He knew at 30 years old I would be more intentional, understand the signs of PPD and be proactive, stand up for myself and establish boundaries, and fight for my health and my son’s health. He knew I would value time and how quickly it steals moments from us.

But, above all else, God knew I would lean on Him. He knew I needed to give my life to Him first before I could become the mom I needed to be for my son. He knew I would pray away my new mom fears and anxieties instead of letting them consume me. He placed people in my life that would foster my journey well before I decided I was “ready” (I’ll use that term loosely because are we ever READY to have our world rocked by a new baby?!).

God made me wait and I’m so grateful I didn’t try to rush Him. His timing is perfect, always.