I’m Not Her Mom.
Why my stepdaughter doesn’t need a “second mom”.
I recently read an article that sparked this conversation I had with myself. I read the words “my stepdaughter needed me in a completely different way than she needed her mom” and a light bulb went off in my soul.
I’ve spent the majority of my stepmother journey trying to replicate what (I think) my stepdaughter’s mom does.
I try to be as similar to her mother as I can because I’ve always thought she needed consistency and someone who is motherly even when her mom isn’t around. So in my mind, that equated to BE LIKE MOM. But, I was going at this blindly.
My only indication of how she and her mom interacts is the tidbits I see during exchanges. Of course, I felt like I needed to do the other motherly things while she is with us; cooking, fixing her hair, helping her with schoolwork, teaching her life lessons, etc. But I noticed I would slightly change my behavior towards her to emulate how I thought her mom acted with her.
WHY DID I DO THAT?
I honestly don’t have a clue. Maybe it’s my own insecurities in a mom role or maybe it’s because I really don’t know what I’m doing half the time so I’m looking to someone that seems to have it figured out LOL. Regardless of my “reasons”, I needed to stop.
MY STEPDAUGHTER DOESN’T NEED A SECOND MOM.
Her mom manages the mom role extremely well. They have an excellent relationship and I really don’t believe she needs two of us to run that role.
She needs me to be her stepmom; someone that is completely separate from her mom. She needs me to be her friend, her confidant, her slumber party pal, to keep her in check… She needs me to be me.
I don’t need to copy how her mom interacts with her and I don’t need to do the same things with her that her mom does.
We can make new memories that are just for us. I’m not blinded by the mentality of “my child is perfect and can do no wrong.”
I let her know when she’s being sassy, or extremely weird (like kids are), or overstepping personal space. We have living room dance parties with her stick horses. I squirt Reddiwhip in her mouth in secret before dinner sometimes. I taught her how to spell her last name. I sign her up for horseback riding lessons (with Dad’s approval). I make her pick up her toys and clear her plate from the table.
She has EXACTLY what she needs from me.
I’m no longer concerned with how her mom interacts with her or the special things they do together. I don’t try to replicate mom’s house at dad’s house. Both houses are her homes and they are completely different.
Aside from the fact that we both enforce the same general rules, our houses are not the same. I know for myself, I was very concerned with this for a long time.
She needs consistency.
Why? Why do we, as stepmoms, think we have to bear this huge burden of being consistent with our stepchildren’s moms? It’s okay to be us and in fact, they probably need that MORE.
I encourage you to not preoccupy your minds with your stepchildren’s moms. In ANY way. Don’t be concerned with what she does with your stepchildren.
Those memories are hers and you have yours.
Make them some of the most memorable experiences in your stepchildren’s lives. Just because your stepchild’s mom gets them ice cream every Friday after school does not mean you have to get them ice cream every Friday after school. Cultivate a unique relationship with your stepchild that is completely separate from their mom. That’s okay!
You don’t need to be their second mom. You just need to be you. You will be everything they need at that moment.
