The Sirius Murderer
There’s a secret I have wanted to share with you for a while now. I’m ready. Are you?
WARNING: This is only for the most special and gifted of readers. If you aren’t special and gifted enough, stop reading now. Come back next week for the usual corny, moralistic claptrap.
Okay, here goes.
I am not a human. I am from a planet orbiting a distant star called Sirius. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. It’s where a lot of your Earth radio programming comes from. Anyway, I come with some good news: I, with the help of the Sirian monk Uliko, can offer you eternal beauty, success, and well-being — perhaps even immortality.
Sound good? All you have to do is shed your current corporeal form. Once you get rid of the smelly meat suit you’re wearing, you can trade it in for something more, uh, celestial. There’s a new body waiting for you in Geneva. It’s an artist’s body, but that’s the best we could do (the good ones are on back order). We’ll move you into that one for now, and you can graduate up from there. Also, the disposing of your old body needs to look like an accident. The best way to go about it might be for you to get in the bathtub and drop a running hairdryer in the water. Oh, you’ll need to take out a life insurance policy first. You can name me as the sole beneficiary. We’ll need the money to get your new life started in Switzerland…
