Yeezy Taught Me: Kanye West and the Characteristics of a Domestic Abuser
With perhaps the exception of 50 Cent, there was no bigger name in 2000s hip hop than Kanye West. West’s seminal 2004 album, “The College Dropout”, singlehandedly led a massive shift in the genre. Kanye used his brashness to carve a space in mainstream rap for topics such as self-consciousness, religion, and the failings of the American higher education system, at a time where the hypermasculine themes found in the music of his contemporaries like Cam’Ron, Ludacris, and the aforementioned 50 Cent, ruled the Top 40 airwaves.
The early 2000s also saw the rise of another culture shifter: Kim Kardashian. Daughter of OJ Simpson dream team attorney Robert Kardashian, Kim first gained fame as the friend and stylist of socialite Paris Hilton, appearing a handful of times on her reality show “The Simple Life” from 2003 to 2006. The nonconsensual leak of a sex tape with R&B singer Ray J, would make Kardashian a household name in 2007.
Kanye and Kim married in 2014. With Kanye being one of the most famed and decorated artists in hip hop history and Kim becoming a reality TV icon and successful businesswoman, the two were a match made in celebrity heaven, eventually parenting four children.
In 2021, Kardashian filed for divorce from West. While the dissolution of a marriage isn’t uncommon, the typical divorce doesn’t play out in public forums such as TMZ and US Weekly. As Kanye and Kim’s entire relationship occurred in front of paparazzi and reality TV cameras however, it comes as no surprise that the public would have a front row ticket to the relationship’s end as well.
While many follow the star couple’s separation for entertainment purposes, the public nature of the divorce has displayed alarming behavior for advocates in the domestic violence world. Women Safe, Inc. highlights 12 common characteristics of an abuser. The list of traits includes controlling, charming, jealous, inconsistent, manipulative, threatening, demanding, blames the victim, attacks self-esteem, isolation, rigid gender roles, and destruction or property. And some of these traits have been clearly present as Kim herself has described Kanye’s behavior through their divorce as controlling and manipulative.
To be clear, it has never been alleged that Kanye West has ever physically assaulted his wife (or any other woman). Physical violence, however, isn’t always a requisite for domestic violence. The United States Department of Justice defines domestic violence as “a pattern of abusive behaviors in any relationship that are used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. It involves a pattern of coercive behavior in intimate relationships whereby the behavior is controlled through humiliation, intimidation, fear, and often intentional physical, emotional or sexual injury.” And when we look at some of West’s public behavior during (and even before) his divorce from Kim, many of his actions align with some of the typical warning signs of nonphysical domestic abuse.
Coercive Control
For those who have followed Kim and Kanye’s relationship, his coercive controlling behavior during the couple’s divorce shouldn’t come as a surprise. One of the earliest instances of this control can be seen in West’s dominion over his wife’s appearance. Prior to meeting West, Kim dressed in the same multicolored bandaged dresses, glittery accessories, and leopard-printed pumps as her Los Angeles reality television contemporaries. But once the two began dating, Kanye notoriously began to control Kim’s appearance first by informing her that she had “the worst style” and then by actually replacing garments in her wardrobe. In a memorable 2012 scene from her reality show, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” Kim begged to keep certain items of clothing as Kanye threw out the pieces of her wardrobe he didn’t approve of and replaced them with clothes that reflected his high fashion aesthetic. With the whimsical background music, the scene was played in a lighthearted nature. Some in the fashion industry have stated that Kanye’s controlling Kim’s appearance was a key moment in her transformation from socialite to fashion icon. Fashion website InStyle has even pondered how Kim will dress without Kanye in control, now that their marriage has ended. But Kanye’s closet takeover is deeper than reality show fodder or a shrewd fashion move. Rather, it shows us a common characteristic of abuse.
Emma Davey, who is a narcissistic abuse expert and founder of the UK based counseling firm My Trauma Therapy, defines coercive control as a form of psychological abuse whereby the perpetrator carries out a pattern of controlling and manipulative behaviors within a relationship and exerts power over a victim, often through intimidation or humiliation, which tends to be more subtle and harder to spot. Policing one’s lifestyle through the “rebrand” of their wardrobe falls into these behaviors. “It may seem caring if your partner shows interest in your fashion choices or likes to know where you are at all times. But if they tell you how to dress or where to go, this is a common sign of coercive control,” says Davey.
Kanye’s control over Kim’s appearance was more than just a one-off spot for a reality show. Kim has previously stated that Kanye not only told her what to wear, but also made her change her outfit if he didn’t like it. In a 2016 GQ article, Kanye told Kim that the one thing that drives him crazy in their relationship is when Kim forgets to email Kanye sketches of an ensembles that designers send her. A 2013 article in US Magazine perhaps highlights the extent of the influence Kanye had in this area as Kim stated, “I dress for Kanye West more than for myself.” It appears this behavior is not just limited to Kardashian. After mere days of initially meeting Julia Fox on New Year’s Eve 2021, Kanye had replaced all of actress’ clothes with a new wardrobe, once again, matching his tastes. “After meeting him, a couple days later, all of my shit was in boxes, gone,” says Fox. This rightfully caused some to question if Kanye was controlling Fox in the same way he did Kim.
Kanye’s other major control play has been his post-divorce choice of residence. In late December 2021, it was reported that Kanye purchased a home directly across the street from Kim. Kanye has claimed that the purpose of the move was to be a constant presence in his children’s’ life. Per statements from Kardashian, it does not appear that the two parents are in agreement of these arrangement as Kim has stated she is “not thrilled” about the proximity of her soon to be ex.
To unpack why this move is less the actions of a loving father and more a behavior of abuse, it’s important to look once again at coercive control. In addition to policing your partner’s appearance, another behavior of coercive control is monitoring your partner’s activity through the day, which is easy to do when just a glance out your kitchen window will let you know who is coming and going from your exe’s house at any given time. Kanye’s actions here have definitely not fooled domestic abuse experts. “How many amazing dads do you know who stay present in their child’s life without moving to their ex’s street?”, says El Hoffman, a Louisville based domestic abuse consultant. “It has nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with the need to keep an intensive eye on Kim so that he can continue to exert his manipulative control”, she continues. Hoffman reflects the belief of many that the life Kanye wants to be a “constant presence” in is in fact Kim’s.
Jealousy
Another common trait found in domestic abusers is jealousy. “When it comes to abusers, jealousy manifests from their need to control,” says Hoffman. “Deep inside they are wounded juveniles trapped in full grown adult bodies and anything that threatens their power becomes their target to take down.” And for Kanye, Kim’s new boyfriend is right in his crosshairs.
The first photos of Kim holding hands with comedian Pete Davidson surfaced on October 31st, 2021. From then, thanks to the ever-present paparazzi, pictures have been published of Kim and Pete canoodling in New York, dining in Beverly Hills, and boarding private planes to the Bahamas. The relationship has also caused Kanye to exhibit the abusive characteristic of jealousy in response.
Hoffman states that abusers will make fun of or try to discredit anything that can be seen as competition. As Kanye is still at his core, a rapper, it’s no surprise that he would attack Pete in song. There have been subliminal insults like the one in the Fivio Foreign and Alicia Keys assisted song “City of Gods” where Kanye raps: “This afternoon, a hundred goons pullin’ up to SNL/When I pull up, it’s dead on arrival.”
Some of the threats have been more straightforward. In the song “Eazy,” Kanye raps: “God saved me from that crash/just so I can beat Pete Davidson’s ass.”
Should these lyrics be taken as actual threats? Kanye certainly wouldn’t be the first person to rap about things he never planned to do. And the thought of needing “a hundred goons” to inflict bodily harm on the equivalent of the nicest stoner on campus is a laughable thought. But Kanye’s jealous behavior extends past a few verses in a couple of throwaway songs.
In January 2022, reports revealed that Kanye was spreading a false rumor that Davidson has AIDS. Kanye has also taken to excommunicating other colleagues such as longstanding collaborator and fellow musician Kid Cudi, due to their friendship with Davidson. And then there is Kanye’s continuing social media campaign against Davidson in which he’s taken to Instagram and Twitter to lob playground insults like calling Pete a “dickhead” and bestowing Davidson with the nickname “Skete Davidson” (“skeet” being a slang term for semen).
Hoffman states, “the terrifying thing is too often these tactics can empower something much more deadly.” This is something that Kardashian understands as she sent Kanye a text, warning him that his antics are “creating a dangerous and scary environment in which someone would hurt Pete and it will be all his fault.” Of course, Kanye promptly publicly shared this text along with an Instagram picture of actor Ving Rhames putting fellow actor Tyrese Gibson in a chokehold (a scene from the 2001 movie Baby Boy). The caption read: “UPON MY WIFE’S REQUEST, PLEASE NOBODY DO ANYTHING PHYSICAL TO SKETE. I’M GOING TO HANDLE THIS SITUATION MYSELF.”
Blaming the Victim
Blaming the victim is yet another characteristic common in abusers. Counselors have stated that this is psychological trick abusers pull where they try to shift the blame for the abusive situation onto their victims and simultaneously paint themselves as the true victims who are suffering cruel, unfair attacks at the hands of the very people they are abusing. Not only is this another behavior Kanye has indulged in, he is using his children as the battleground.
In November 2021, Kim and her eldest daughter North, launched a joint Tik Tok account for them both to have a little mother-daughter fun on social media with. Kanye however, didn’t take kindly to this. He made an Instagram post on February 4th, 2022, stating: “SINCE THIS IS MY FIRST DIVORCE, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO ABOUT MY DAUGHTER BEING PUT ON TIK TOK AGAINST MY WILL?”
As North’s father, Kanye certainly is entitled to a say in his daughter’s life. However, two elements of his post show that perhaps this is more of a gaslighting expedition than the “innocent message” Kanye wants us to believe it is.
First, look at the language Kanye uses. Using phrases such as “my first divorce” and “against my will” show that this post is more about West being the victim than it is about his child. Secondly, why did this have to be a public post in the first place? Certainly, this is something that could have been discussed in private between the two parents. Did Kanye’s 10 million Instagram followers really need to know about this?
Elsewhere, Kanye has also accused Kim of “kidnapping” another one of their daughters. On February 4th, 2022, West once again took to his Instagram page to publicly air out his frustrations with not being included in his daughter Chicago’s 4th birthday party. Kanye accused Kim of “kidnapping” their daughter by refusing to share with him the address of the party. Kanye then claimed that once he found out where the party was being held, Kim “put security on him inside of the house to play with his son and then accused him of stealing.” In Kim’s response to these accusations, she revealed that the idea to have separate parties was Kanye’s to begin with.
Kanye waging these co-parenting wars in public is being done for one specific reason: it promotes the narrative that Kanye is the victim and Kim is the villain. And this is a play right out of the abuser playbook. A 2017 article in Evolution Counseling describes this strategy saying, “abusers will make overgeneralizations, take things out of context, find a grain of truth, or just flat out lie in order to spin a deceptive tale of the things their victims have said and done or haven’t said and done, a deceptive tale that supposedly proves the hostile, ungrateful, lazy, arrogant, cruel, abusive, etc. natures of their victims.” The article goes on to say, “at this point most victims, their heads spinning, feel compelled to defend their own past comments, their own past behaviors, their own way of being in the world! In other words, the situation reverts right back to business as usual, to the abusive situation.”
Wake Up, Mr. West
I can already hear the devoted Kanye fans revving their keyboards up to claim this essay is just another pretentious thinkpiece, written for the purpose of tearing their hero down. My hope however, is that through the Kanye’s behavior, we are able see the type of behavior that contributes to the more than 10 million domestic assaults per year. In a past article, I explained how issues in pop culture can help us understand theories of sexual and domestic abuse. While many are viewing Kanye’s antics as trashy entertainment, West is actually providing us with a real-time case study on the type of nonviolent domestic abuse that many experience on a regular basis.
As for Kanye himself, I don’t wish him ill. While I may have ceased being a fan of his music a long time ago, I can still remember the impact he had on my life as a gawky undergrad in the early 2000s. Through Kanye’s music and shenanigans of that time, I was able to find my self-confidence and as such, I will always have an interest in him. My hope is that Kanye is able to wake up and see the toxicity of the model of masculinity that he is exhibiting not only for his own son, but for his fans all over the world.
