A Semi-Exhaustive Survey Completed in an Attempt to Get to Better Know Myself
It’s kind of an interesting exercise that I was supposed to apply to potential characters for a story I’m working on — but chose to try on myself, first.
I was recently on the phone with my friend, mentor and founder of the small publishing house through which I’ve published my first two books. He’s been helping me become a better writer for more than a decade, and is someone I can always come to for advice, as he has more experience with fancy book-writin’ and living an interesting life in general than I do, by a long shot.
I told him in the coming year I’d like to finally try my hand at a novel — a lifelong dream of mine that took the place of a previous dream, which was publishing a book of any kind. He opined that before I get too heavy into the writing of the book itself or even a plot outline, that I should really get to know the characters who have been living rent-free in my head, developing through various thoughts and certain haphazard docs over a span of years.
This is a new thing for me, because I’ve written, to this point, mostly non-fiction. A decent amount of fiction has been peppered into my productivity, but I’ve never done something novel-length. I generally just write a few notes down based on a premise and then take it from there. You know, let Jesus take the keyboard.
In an attempt to get my sea legs regarding this exercise, I opted to try it out on myself first. Seemed like an opportunity to get informatively introspective that would also be fun if it didn’t make my head explode. So I looked up a bunch of random questions and prompts and figured I’d rapid-fire answer them, like I was back in my middle school days completing an AOL survey that I would spam email to all my contacts.
Here are the results.
Do you believe in aliens?
I think if you don’t believe in aliens it’s a sign of ignorance and self-centeredness around how important humankind may or may not be within the universe or whatever exists beyond that. That we’re at the center of all things. To think we are the peak of sentient intergalactic civilization would honestly, to me anyway, be a profoundly depressing thing. I mean, we’ve done some amazing stuff as a species, that’s for sure, but I don’t relish the notion that we’re setting the bar and/or anywhere near ahead of the curve. I don’t just believe in aliens. I think they’re already here among us, at least in the sky or the sea. I do acknowledge if this information were truly confirmed and revealed it would send the world at large into a state of mayhem, but so would a decent amount of things I believe in that are viewed as unreal by many.
Do you have any phobias?
Aliens, mostly. I can totally understand why so many people don’t want to believe in them. Sometimes I wish I didn’t.
What was the worst nightmare you ever had?
I have very bad dreams pretty often but one that sticks out from way back in childhood was one I had where I was abducted by aliens from my grandmother’s home, where I was spending the night. I sought comfort from her when I woke up freaking out, which was greeted with her telling me she had seen aliens on her property many times. I was probably five years old. So this was pretty jarring information and I have not spent the night there since. However, it did spur in me a serious interest in aliens. So I got really into The X-Files and also cajoled my same grandma into taking me to see Independence Day when I was way too young for such a thing. This led to more nightmares that spanned a month or so. It was a real mind-fuck and not something my mom was happy about having to deal with. But I still love that movie to this day. I suppose sometimes you’ve just gotta lean into the fear.
Do you have any weird superstitions?
Yes. To the point that it might be viewed as OCD, and not inaccurately. For example, I kiss my stuffed animals good morning every day for good luck. (This is not normal 37-year-old behavior.) I always wear a rubber band on my right wrist. I hate odd numbers. I alway make a wish at 11:11 when I catch it. I could go on all day. What interests me about my own neuroticism is I’m almost certain none of this does anything for me or against me, but I keep doing it anyway, because to my mind it’s stuff that doesn’t really hurt anything. If my superstition was ripping three fingers of whiskey every morning immediately upon waking, I’d reexamine my behavior.
What do you want etched on your tombstone?
“He tried.”
Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Absolutely not. Nor would I want to. I fully realize that I am not built at all for that kind of existence, and that sometimes the best solution to what I assume would be an insurmountable challenge is to just go ahead and give up.
Would you rather know the date of your death or the cause of your death?
I’d go with cause, though I really don’t cherish the notion of having knowledge of either of these things. It’d be kind of funny to find out, though, that it was related to either aliens or zombies.
What gives you the “ick?”
When I give someone else the ick. I play off my audience. And I desperately want people to like me.
What song puts you in the mood?
Pretty much the entire Cigarettes After Sex catalog. It remains this way even though I was once aggressively sexually harassed by a man while that band happened to be playing (another story for another day).
Do you prefer kissing or cuddling?
I enjoy both but nothing beats kissing.
When did you have your first kiss?
Outside Knoch Middle School in Butler, Pennsylvania at the end of the school day when I was 12 years old. I’ll remember it forever. And will never forget, too, that the girl cheated on me (she was smoochin’ everybody!) and it felt like she had ruined my life for a long time. I’ve always been prone to melodrama and unable to fully get over things in what most would consider a reasonable amount of time — if ever.
Do you think you’re a good kisser?
The reviews have been pretty positive thus far. Though I believe that kissing is less about being inherently good or bad at it than it is finding someone whose style is compatible and meshes well with yours. Then you can make out for hours and really enjoy it and it’s pretty neat.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I believe in lust at first sight, and lust is often confused for love. But to me, they’re far from the same thing. I think love takes time. Maybe it can happen at first sight for some people, and of course lust can always turn into love over time or even at a certain acute point, but feeling true love when you first lay eyes on a person seems like a bridge too far for me.
What’s your biggest guilty pleasure?
I don’t really believe in the concept of a guilty pleasure. I think you should like what you like and not feel a certain negative way about it, or like you should apologize to people who think it’s strange or doesn’t fall within the realm of their bag. Having said that, chicken wings and anything that includes bacon.
What’s the most attractive physical feature?
I’ve always been partial to butts. Kinda like Tina Belcher.
Would you rather be single or in a relationship?
I often pine for a healthy, stable relationship but I haven’t been able to make one last just yet. (Some would say this is indeed due to a lack of trying, as my track record indicates that I haven’t always given it my all, not by a long shot, even with people who treat me with extreme compassion and kindness.) I’ve been single much more often through the years than I have been with someone, so while I’m not sure I prefer it (and certainly don’t all of the time) I have gotten used to it and pretty good at being alone without feeling extremely lonely. Probably a defense mechanism, but it is what it is at the moment.
Have you ever sent a dirty text to the wrong person?
Sure have good buddy. One time I thought I sent one to a woman I was dating named Allison, but had accidentally sent it to my Aunt Allison. It bears mentioning within this prompt that my ex-girlfriend once accidentally sent me a link to a porn video featuring a geriatric man getting after it with a young woman. The ensuing conversation was a pretty interesting one. I’m sure Freud would have plenty to say about it.
What’s the funniest excuse you’ve used to get out of a date?
One time I had to cancel one because I’d accidentally double-booked, and the other activity was to attend and then write about a Shibari Japanese bondage workshop for work, because I had a job at the time where things like this would happen and I wasn’t going to turn down a decent amount of rent money to instead go on a first date that might lead nowhere. I don’t know why of all these times I chose honesty, but unsurprisingly this woman did not feel amenable to rescheduling. So now I’ll never know what may have happened if we had.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done to get someone’s attention?
Probably dedicate most of my life to a sport that I thought would impress them. It was a super-long con. That didn’t work out. And now I no longer shoot hoops.
Do you prefer giving or receiving?
I think it should go both ways. Quid pro quo. Not always simultaneously, though. The ole 69 maneuver is stellar in theory but difficult to properly execute to the point that both partners are equally in the pleasure zone.
How often do you think about sex?
Way more than I wish I did, but way less than I used to. Aging is a trip. The horniness is waning ever so slightly and honestly it makes life a whole lot easier, if not quite as exciting.
What’s your biggest sexual fantasy?
Probably Gillian Anderson, Minka Kelly and/or Ali Larter having their way with me.
Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Last time I went skinny dipping was one night in college when my drunken roommate literally broke his neck diving into a pool. Another story for another day. He’s completely recovered now. But it kind of tainted the experience of nude swimming for me.
Have you ever been caught in action?
Several times. I used to date a woman with some exhibitionistic tendencies and she requested some sweet love making on my 12th floor balcony, surrounded by many other high-rise buildings and overlooking a park. I was nervous about this and rightly so, because after a few minutes we started getting cheers and whistles. I guess this was the only time I participated in something like this where it would’ve been rather impressive if someone didn’t see us. The other times it’s just accidentally occurred.
Have you ever been turned on at work?
More times than I care to quantify. It’s not like I’m proud of this. But also, who hasn’t? It’s where we spend most of our lives and libido doesn’t just turn on and off when you want it to. It’d be neat if it did, but we aren’t that lucky.
Do you have any weird kinks or fetishes?
I fear I’m kind of vanilla when it comes to this realm of things, for better or worse. I’m no prude or anything. I’ll try anything a partner wants to give a whirl, but I don’t have anything too wild in the repertoire that I need to engage in to get my rocks off. I suppose the strangest thing about my sexual preference is that I quite enjoy Bang Bus and have for most of my life. Feels odd to say, as I don’t really aspire to fuck in a conversion van, but I enjoy pornographic films that have a bit of story to them, even if it’s clearly concocted and loosely acted out. Also, isn’t it kind of insensitive to call kinks or fetishes weird? Like, whatever helps you get through the day and night, man. Let whatever flag you got fly, with no regret and hopefully only a small amount (if any) of self-consciousness.
What’s the craziest place you’ve had sex?
I uh. I lost my virginity in the stairwell of a YMCA, if you can even believe that. (What a special milestone to hit in a very random and odd place, but you did what you could when you were young.) Did the deed on a running trail once. Also in the parking lot of a place named Dave’s Meats. I used to hook up on four wheels rather often (go me), which probably explains on some psychological level my vague infatuation with the Bang Bus franchise.
Do you prefer loud or silent people in bed?
I’m not the loudest, as I get quiet when I’m concentrating and pursuing a goal. But I don’t expect the other person to be, and I’ll gladly participate in any kind of dialogue, am happy to accept constructive, urgent feedback, will reciprocate any guttural moans, etc.
Do you prefer morning sex or evening sex?
Big fan of both and like to go for that two-hit cycle whenever the opportunity arises. A double-header if you will. I often can’t get off in the evening, as my veins are flowing with an antipsychotic I take on a daily basis. But if I get to it in the morning hours before popping that sweet sweet Abilify, I can make it happen.
What’s your most awkward sexual experience?
A Hooter’s waitress shit in my bed once and didn’t cop to it until like a month or two later.
Do you stalk people you meet before you go on a date?
I assume this question means on, like, social media and the vast depths of the internet. I do this. I don’t watch them with binoculars from a tree or anything.
What’s your favorite scent?
Suntan lotion mixed with some chlorine. Because of nostalgia, mostly. I had some really good times at the local swimming pool when I was in my formative years, and love a scent that takes me back to the good old days. For that reason, I also very much enjoy Flowerbomb by Viktor & Rolf.
What’s your biggest irrational fear?
That I will die some high-height-related death. I guess this isn’t completely irrational, as it could happen, but it would be rather strange because I do my absolute best to not put myself in situations where I am extremely high off the ground. I’ve been living on the 12th floor for three years and am still a little skittish about it.
What’s the theme song of your life?
“World at Large” by Modest Mouse. “I know that startin’ over’s not what life is about, but my thoughts were so loud I couldn’t hear my mouth” is a passage from that song that kind of sadly describes the loop upon which I have been living my life thus far.
Are you a night owl or an early bird?
Both because I’m terrible at sleeping and can’t do it for more than four or so hours a night, no matter what I try.
Did you go through any phases as a kid?
Many of them. Some of the cultural appropriation I committed in my younger years is pretty cringe-worthy to say the least. Probably offensive to many, in fact.
What’s your unpopular opinion or hot take?
Breaking up through text or a phone call instead of in person is sometimes okay even if you’ve been with a person for a decent amount of time. Especially if text is the way you primarily communicate. (I don’t know anybody in my age range who primarily communicates by actual phone call.)
Would you rather explore space or the deep sea?
I’ve got absolutely no desire or aspiration for either. That’s for other people to do and if they make a documentary about it I guess I’ll probably watch that at some point. From my couch. At or around sea level.
If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Teleportation, hands down.
If you could change your name, what would you choose?
Clem Fandango. This is what I want to name a dog if ever I get one. If I chose to change my name to Clem Fandango, I’d still stick with it for the dog. It’d be funny to share a name with a dog roommate, in my opinion.
What’s an embarrassing song or band you secretly love?
I’m not really all that embarrassed about it but I listen to Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” more than anyone else I know.
If you were given the death penalty, what would your last meal be?
I can’t imagine ever being so ready and willing to accept my death that I’d feel like eating a bunch of food right beforehand. I’m hoping this is a question I will never have to actually answer.
Are you religious?
Absolutely not.
What’s your top goal in life?
It used to be writing and publishing a novel but now it’s more about finding true and lasting happiness. The former has proven to be less difficult than the latter so far, though I know finding genuine and persistent joy is something of a tall order for a chronic depressive whose closest foe is anxiety.
When’s the last time you cried?
Last night. I was watching Nate Bargatze’s Christmas Special on network television and wept when Noah Kahan performed “Stick Season.” I cry very easily. And often. Will probably shed a bunch of tears later tonight when I complete my annual Christmas tradition to watch a bunch of John Lewis Christmas ads.
What are you most grateful for?
My intellect, as annoying as it can occasionally be.
What are you the most proud of?
The first book I published.
What’s your biggest regret in life?
Ruining the best relationship of my life.
Do you believe in fate or free will?
I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive — but I believe more in free will than I do that there is some kind of plan for any, let alone all, of us.
What’s something you can work on?
My ability to commit and compromise.
What was your dream job as a child?
I always wanted to be a writer who also played in the NBA and if neither of those worked out I thought being a special agent in the X-Files department of the FBI would be pretty rad. One out of three ain’t bad.
Do you think money can buy happiness?
Depends on how you define happiness. I don’t think it hurts, generally speaking.
How have you changed in the past year?
Pass.
What’s something you’re insecure about?
My double chin and waning amount of hair.
Do you think physical or emotional pain is worse?
I’ve had the rather unpleasant fortune to experience both at absolute extremes in several different cases, and I’m going emotional every time.
What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
Just keep going.
What’s the biggest misconception people have about you?
That I am what I write.
If your life was a book, what’s the title of the chapter you’re in now?
“Rebuilding Season.”