Confirming Your Recent Login

If it was you, there’s nothing to worry about, and as you were. But if not, well…

Scott Muska


Hello there,

Hope this finds you well. At least for now. But we might have some troubling news that could throw your whole day off.

Could be nothing, though. We hope that’s the case.

Anyway, we thought we should bring something to your attention.

Now, we certainly don’t want to alarm you, especially in the early morning hours of what promises to be a great Sunday, if indeed this ends up being nothing to worry about, but we’d be remiss in our sacred duties that we take with the utmost seriousness if we didn’t send you this email to alert you to the fact that we recently detected an unsuccessful login to your account from an IP address we have never seen linked to your credentials before, and from a location from which you, personally, have not previously signed in.

To add to all of this, the sign-in took place on a machine that we have not clocked as a trusted device.

So, better safe than sorry, as it were. Because could be, you know, you’re in the process of having your identity stolen or something like that. That’d probably be the worst-case scenario.

But seriously. Don’t freak out. Not just yet. There’s potential that things are completely fine. And we can’t have anyone, especially you, completely lose their composure at this juncture.

Now, everything might just be above board, here, and this email can be deleted posthaste to better protect your digital paper trail. And if that’s the case, we won’t mind. We won’t be offended. Honestly, we’ll be very relieved on your behalf, and we can all go about enjoying the final day of our much-too-short weekend. We’ve got money on the Celts later and are really looking forward to that game — and would much prefer getting to take that in worry-free instead of, during media timeouts at least, tracking down a nefarious online entity who is trying with all their might to piggyback access to what we hope and assume, given your membership loyalty through the years, is your favorite completely legal pornography outlet.

We feel obligated to let you know that if it was, in fact, you initiating the log-in attempt, that doing so in Incognito browsing mode on your work computer does not actually work. Free info right there, from us to you.

And if it happened to be a case of sharing the password with someone, say, a buddy from a fantasy football league you finished last in and the consequences were you had to subscribe to Bang Bus for an entire year and grant the rest of the players access, that’s some dirty pool, you’re really fleecing us, but we respect that kind of hustle and probably won’t do much about it, especially since you haven’t unlocked the premium membership that includes unlimited downloads. Yet. But right now you can do so for one full month at the same price you’ve been paying. If you choose to do so, we’ll hit you with a little insider baseball tip: Make sure that if you do not want that fee to recur at $40-ish a month, you should make a clandestine calendar reminder to cancel it on or before July 9. (Please, we beg of you, do not share this information too freely, as we could get fired for mentioning such a hack in this correspondence, and we need this goddamn job. We need it desperately.)

Honestly, this is all probably much ado about nothing. It often is. To be completely transparent, we at the workplace have some action going on what may or may not have happened here, and the bulk of us have, at decent odds, chalked this alert up to a case of you traveling with a new iPad or something, and wanting to queue up some classics (as our most recent offerings haven’t been top-notch, in our opinion, but don’t tell the directors, producers and actors we said as much, please), but were unable to properly complete the captcha prompt in your allotted three attempts because you’d already lotioned up and were going it ineptly with your remaining off-hand. (There are side bets on the brand of lotion you were using, and more than one of us predicted that it was Malin + Goetz or something similar, as we’ve been operating under the assumption that you’re in a hotel on business and they have that real good skin care product lying around. How we will ever confirm this, we are unsure. But still, we like to have fun here. And we do so by gambling on pretty much anything. It’s not a problem as of now, but we can all see one another going down a road where it becomes one and we have to call one of those hotlines or something.)

Anyway, if it wasn’t you or someone you know and trust who signed in from Omaha, Nebraska, you should alert us right away.

Otherwise, as you were. Enjoy the spank sesh. Have some fun out there.

And thank you for your continued membership. We need folks like you. Only Fans has been absolutely killing us.

The Bang Bros Crew



Scott Muska

I write books (for fun, and you can find them on Amazon), ads (for a living) and some other stuff (that seems to magically show up on the internet).