Hey Scott: What’s the Best Piece of Advice You’ve Ever Been Given?
“If you’re gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough.”
This series began when I told my friend I could probably write about 500 words, give or take, on pretty much any topic presented to me. If you’d like me to write about something, feel free to email me at srm5082@gmail.com.
“If you’re gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough.”
I first heard this from Karen O, lead singer of Yeah Yeah Yeahs, while watching the film masterpiece Jackass 2 — so it’s not technically accurate that I was “given” this advice. I also acknowledge the irony that my greatest piece of wisdom-fueled counsel came to me through this particular forum. You might even say it’s inherently dumb.
(Note: O covered the song that is technically titled “If Your Gonna Be Dumb, You Gotta Be Tough.” It was initially written and recorded by Roger Alan Wade. I assume the “Your” instead of “You’re” is intentional. Because it’s a dumb but very common mistake. Good stuff.)
I have this quote taped to the wall behind the desk where I spend an absurdly significant amount of my time. I like to be reminded of the sentiment every day and it has basically become my mantra. Probably because I tend to do at least one dumb thing every 24 hours. Many more than one, according to the data, and depending on what you consider to be “dumb.”
It feels dumb to say this but I feel like I should mention I’m operating under the premise that “dumb” equals “ill-advised or at least marginally stupid,” not the actual definition of “being temporarily unable or unwilling to speak.” That sure is not a problem I encounter often. I say more dumb shit than you might believe. You can’t shut me up, especially if I’m nervous or uncomfortable, which I generally am. It’s honestly astounding what impulsively (and sometimes calculatedly, just incorrectly) comes from my mouth and my fingers that I often wish I would have articulated differently or not at all.
It has occurred to me that maybe I should replace this quote with something like “Stop doing dumb things so often,” but what can I say? I am who I am, and who I am is someone who has a great deal of difficulty getting out of his own way. Sometimes you’ve just got to work with what you’re working with until you find a better way, and cope with the catastrophes that come from your unintentionally inane and occasionally reprehensible actions. Also, not gonna lie, it can be fun to do dumb things every now and then. Sometimes, albeit rarely, it really works out in your favor.
The toughness element has proven to be, well, tough, though. I’m a well-seasoned dunce but haven’t yet particularly mastered the concept of grit. At least not to my satisfaction. I’m overly sensitive, prone to chronic overthinking and quick to concede to others. I’m pretty sure my Patronus is a worn-down doormat. I worry and worry and worry some more, then I act on impulse. Many of the dumb mistakes I’ve made have come as a result of my penchant for doing something I think will immediately alleviate some of the anxiety, only to find that down the line they bring me pains much worse than momentary discomfort.
I can’t be alone in this. And I can’t be alone in wanting to change in a way that will make me better, as long as my skin doesn’t get too thick and I don’t become the kind of callous individual I never want to be. Because toughness doesn’t mean being a dick. It means building some resilience. Being able to care deeply about certain things without allowing them to live rent-free in your psyche. Letting your guard down without letting it negatively affect you. Forgiving yourself for what you can not go back and alter, but never forgetting what you learned from it. Finding some modicum of peace with what you have done, what you have not and what you may or may never accomplish. Building the courage to try and do better next time, and if you don’t, being able to accept it for what it is. And if another chance doesn’t come, shrugging that off takes a lot of toughness too. The list goes on and on.
So the reminder to try and be tough, however I can, when I need to be and when the occasion calls for not taking any guff from the proverbial swine, whoever they may be, is helpful to me, even if the challenges of implementing toughness often seem insurmountable.
It’s the best advice I’ve been given, even if I came upon it in an unexpected way.
Honorable mentions go to “Head high and fuck ’em all,” which Nick Cave’s mum said to him when he was nervous about a momentous occasion.
And there’s this one from my late Grandpap, uttered to me in passing one day: “You fuck your own life.”
I’m actively attempting not to — and if I toughen up a little bit, maybe I won’t.
We’ll see what happens.
