Honest Answers to Questions I Have Been Asked on Dating Apps

Presented in no particular order.

HOW’S YOUR WEEKEND GOING SO FAR?

I haven’t yet left my apartment and have been trying to write some poetry, but mostly eating potstickers I copped from Costco. I will soon be coaxed, however, from the comforts of my one-bedroom to go foraging for mushrooms (not even the psychedelic kind; I’m not sure whether that’d be better or worse) with a friend who is hell-bent on doing so and insists on my joining because, “Jesus Christ, you need to get out more. and this guy told me it only happens, like two weeks a year.” Even though she (not really convincingly) assured me I would not find myself in a position where it was necessary to be on all fours with my nose to the ground, I was still not at all excited about the impending expedition. I had Googled “mushroom foraging” and discerned that it was mostly a pigs’ and hippies’ game. Also that you should not consume mushrooms you snag on your own unless they are inspected by someone with some expertise on the topic. This made me recall how the story Into the Wild came to an end, and I wasn’t about that. This was a potentially deadly mission. I would have preferred, by a slim margin, bird watching. While experts are nice to have around for a little birding session (although annoying after a while), they are not necessary to ensure that you live through the experience. But you also never end the day with ingredients to make one hell of a mushroom lasagna, which my ex used to make and was my favorite thing. I keep trying to replicate it, but I can’t even come close. Oh. Also, I have book club later. I keep nominating my own published work for consideration but it’s been shot down, like, nine times now. How’s yours? Getting up to anything wild?

DO YOU LIKE TO WORK OUT WITH A PARTNER?

Absolutely not. I assume you’re talking romantic partner, not just some dude who gives you a spot if you need it, which I never do, as I do not lift weights. I don’t want to do that at all, go to the gym with a girlfriend. The faces I make on the elliptical are worse than my vinegar strokes. And the sweat is…substantial. Plus, I like to read books while I walk on the treadmill, and that’s how I spend pretty much all my time at the gym these days. A result of my having somehow acquired the spine of a geriatric who has worked in a steel mill his entire life. I don’t want or need someone interrupting me every 20 seconds to have some sort of conversation when I’m just tryin’ to plow through the latest Emily Henry.

WHAT’S YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE?

You have no idea how bad I want to lie and say it’s Ravenclaw. Because of the wit and stuff like that. Always felt I’d vibe with that crowd. But I’ve taken several tests and quizzes and it’s been mostly a Hufflepuff sorting, with a few Ravenclaws sprinkled in to give me a little hope that maybe at some point I can transfer if I level up my witty quips. Been reading a lot of Oscar Wilde, so fingers crossed. I did get one Slytherin, but that was an anomaly that I think occurred because I was intentionally answering my questions trying to skew the outcome to Ravenclaw, and kind of overshot it. The Sorting Hat called me on that shit immediately. Anyway, yeah, Hufflepuff. Yay. Though I do not buy into “honesty before glory” one single bit. I’m not above lying through my goddamn teeth if it benefits me in some way without really hurting anyone or anything. I don’t possess what you might call a “strong” moral compass.

DO YOU REALLY LISTEN TO CELINE DION THAT OFTEN OR?

Oh you bet. It’s actually probably even more often than you’re thinking. But pretty much only “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now.” Sometimes I mix it up with the Meat Loaf version. Yeah, I’ve heard the Glee take on it and I don’t want to talk about it.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF MUSIC?

A bunch of very sad stuff that will supremely bum you out. My friends no longer allow me to be in charge of any type of playlist, because they quickly grew fatigued by and frustrated that my selections would lull them into a severe existential crisis where they would begin to question all their life decisions, and sometimes weep uncontrollably. I do have a killer Boner Jamz playlist, though, which is more upbeat. Sultry, sure, but not quite sad.

HOW’S YOUR TENNIS GAME?

I don’t even mess with pickle ball, even though I am very susceptible to strange fads that don’t make a lot of sense. (I got real into Planking back when that was a thing.) My brother and I got heavy into tennis for about one summer when we were pre-adolescents. I think mostly because we were into headbands, and random grunting, though. It never really stuck and I haven’t played since. Far be it from me to give dating advice to anybody, but I might suggest that if you’re really looking for a tennis partner and this is some sort of prerequisite for you, you could narrow the net you’re casting to tennis-themed activities. There’s probably, like, a reddit subthread for single people in Chicago looking for a mate to play some tennis with. Though with that new movie Challengers out you might want to watch out for people who are just there to try and plot their way into a three-way. Unless that’s your thing. I don’t know what tennis enthusiasts really get into, but would imagine Andre Agassi would do some freaky thangs for a piece of change.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT OPEN RELATIONSHIPS?

Given the fact that I have thus far been unable to make a relationship work with just the two initial people involved, at least not for long enough for either of us to get bored of the other and be like, “Let’s try fuckin’ other people but staying together and see how that works out for us,” I just don’t want to invite that kind of emotional or physical complexity into my life. Though I will admit that I’ve been with someone who was like “Let’s try fuckin’ other people but staying together.” They just did not alert me to this plan and I had to find out all on my own. That was jarring and scarring, to say the least.

ARE YOU OPEN TO SEX ON THE FIRST DATE?

Um. Yeah. Especially right now. I haven’t tasted lipstick in a while, as they say.

WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

I can let you know when I find it, I guess. If I ever do.

YOU LOOK A LOT LIKE THE GUY FROM STRANGER THINGS. HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN THAT BEFORE?

More times than I can quantify. I’ve definitely gotten worse, so I’ll take it. One time a woman on a date told me I looked kinda like “the guy from The Hangover who always screws things up — you know, the one with the beard?” (I have since lost weight and wear shorter facial hair. Though, like Zach Galifianakis’ character, I do have a penchant for really messing things up.) Another time, a former neighbor I hadn’t seen forever told me I looked kind of like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, which taught me one maybe shouldn’t try to grow their hair out too long if they’re starting to lose parts of it. Sometimes it comes from complete strangers, the David Harbour thing, no joke. Which is kind of a weird thing to do, walk up to someone and say they look like a celebrity. It’s not like I look enough like him that I could be actually confused for him, which would be a different thing entirely. I will say, though, that it makes choosing my lackluster Halloween costumes pretty easy.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?

I don’t have what you would call a “sophisticated palate.” I’m pretty simple and easy to please, and am also kind of a trash panda, or a human garbage disposal. I’m not ashamed of this, so there’s really nowhere to lay blame, per se, but my culinary preferences were, like so many of us, influenced by what I regularly consumed at a young age. I grew up in the middle of nowhere north of Pittsburgh, where it was all the rage in my small town when a Subway set up shop just off a never-bustling main street. This was the closest fast food establishment to my house, but it was still about an 18-minute drive away. My family frequented that place. Whoever was in charge of the order and pick-up that evening would have to go and get enough sandwiches for six people, each of whom had their very own specific orders that were written out on index cards, so you would not fuck it up. (If you did, there would be serious hell to pay.) I’ll always remember the frustrated groans that would come from the people behind me on occasions when I drew the assignment, and the look of abject horror on the Sandwich Artist’s face when I’d get up to there and say with some reluctance that I was about to order six foot-longs, all toasted, of course. The hungry folks who had the misfortune of entering the store just after me would have been able to enjoy a five-course sit-down meal at a classier establishment and then make it back home in the time it took me to get through my robust order. But I still love Subway and frequent it. Wouldn’t say it’s my favorite food of all time, but it always somehow hits the spot. It’s dependable, and not everything in life is. I’m also heavy into Chinese food of all kinds, as the Chinese buffets my parents would often take us to became as close to a place of worship I’ve ever really experienced or bought into, especially if it was a joint that had stuffed mushrooms comin’ out hot in huge pans. It’s hard to name a true blue favorite food, because so much of what I want at any given time is dictated by my mood, but I’ve never in my life turned down a huge pile of peel-and-eat steamed shrimp with a copious amount of Old Bay completing the taste sensation. But I’ll graciously eat pretty much anything, within reason. Except lima beans. Those things can kick rocks as far as I’m concerned.

WHAT’S THE FASTEST WAY TO YOUR HEART?

Taking me to a Chinese buffet and telling me I’m pretty. Or the gift of scotch. Gosh, I love scotch. Also a big fan of humor, especially the sarcastic bent. Proficiency in kissing with a style that matches mine is also always a winner.

HOW MANY APPS DO YOU USE? AND WHAT HAS YOUR EXPERIENCE BEEN LIKE WITH THEM SO FAR?

I’ve been in and out of the apps periodically since they were first invented (more than a decade in the proverbial app game, I’m slightly ashamed to say; that’s quite a tour of duty). One of the oh-so-many pleasures of being mostly perpetually single, with some unsuccessful attempts at love or something vaguely similar coming in here and there. In that time, I’ve used many of the heavy hitters, probably in this order: OkCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, Hinge, The League. I might be missing a couple. I haven’t messed with the more niche ones, like Farmers Only or Christian Mingle, because I’m far as you can be from someone who works the land and I am a godless heathen. I keep whatever apps I have downloaded on my phone in a handy little folder titled “Don’t Die Alone.” So yeah — things are going really well. As for my somewhat robust experience, it has been fun at times and excruciating during others. The net result is, well, I am still here, attempting a conversation with you, which I suppose speaks for itself.

FUCK MARRY KILL: TEQUILA, WHISKEY, VODKA?

Strange to pose this prompt with alcoholic liquids, but I get it. I’d fuck vodka, because it’s what I generally go for, with soda, when I’m having a night out. It’s simple and there are no surprises, and I can drink enough of it to kill a medium-sized horse without getting too hammered. I don’t know why this is, but I choose not to question it. I’d marry whiskey, because aside from water it is my favorite liquid in the entire world. I’d drink Johnnie Walker Black Label exclusively if I were forced to choose one alcoholic beverage to consume the rest of my life. Only reason i don’t often drink it when I’m out is I’m not made of money and prefer to purchase it by the half-gallon to consume at home or wherever I go for a gathering that I can bring my own booze. I’d kill tequila, not because I don’t like it, but because it’s just the least favorite of these three options and I guess in this game a head has to roll at some point.

WHERE ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO TRAVELING THIS YEAR?

I’m frankly pretty dismal when it comes to planning and booking vacation and travel for myself. It’s something I’m working on, as for some reason I do aspire to be more well-traveled than I am at the moment. I don’t really have much wanderlust, to be honest, but I do like seeing and experiencing new things, and traveling more seems like something I should do for many reasons. I got around a decent amount when I was in high school, traveling for basketball tournaments with an AAU team, but those destinations were often random and not really huge tourist attractions (aside from Disney World the one time, which honestly I could take or leave, and I know that’s probably a dealbreaker for many). And while on these trips I mostly saw hotel rooms, locker rooms and many, many wooden benches that I would sit on for the majority of most games. The bulk of my personal travel over the past decade or so has been to attend weddings or bachelor parties, or to visit my hometown so I can see my family and feel shame that I am not around my nieces and nephew as much as I’d like to or should be. (Every time I see them, it’s like they’ve grown into different people; it’s truly astounding.) I’ve traveled a lot for work, though again to random places. I know pockets of Colorado you would never step foot in, and I can navigate the shit out of the Atlanta airport. Been all over Anaheim without stepping foot in any amusement parks, except one janky one that was shut down for the day for the purposes of our commercial shoot. But I haven’t really traveled for pleasure on my own all that much. I’m attempting to cajole myself into embracing solo sojourns, but something about it seems inherently sad (though not as sad as, say, burning some PTO days on a staycation, which I have done several times). Before my most recent relationship met its demise, my ex-girlfriend and I were beginning to plan a trip to an all-inclusive resort, and you know what? I might still do that myself. I’m not gonna lie to you: I’ve dabbled with the prospect of going on a singles’ cruise. Mostly because I think it’d be a hilarious time, where I can imbibe and eat with impunity for a week or so, if nothing else. Anyway, the only forthcoming travel I have on the docket is to go to lovely Staten Island to shoot some TV commercials at a gas station. I live a glamorous life, but at least I’ll get to stay in Manhattan, my old stomping grounds, though I have no illusions that I will mostly be seeing my hotel room and the hotel bar, given the rigorous nature of production trip schedules. So yeah, short answer is Staten Island. That is extremely sad, isn’t it?

HOW DO YOU TRY TO ATTRACT A WOMAN WHO IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU?

I don’t. Not anymore. I’m too old for that shit. And it’s a fool’s errand. If someone isn’t warm for my form or whatever, that’s of course more than fine, extremely common, and I find it best to just cut bait and keep on casting my (marginally wide) net. Sometimes the best way to win is to quit, you know? Do I lament what may have been? Of course I do. But that’s just life, man.

DO YOU TAKE DATING SERIOUSLY?

I can’t really say that I do, and acknowledge that this presents some issues. But I’ve gotten to a point where I actively try not to — which doesn’t exactly vibe with a lot of people my age. It’s just that the more serious I take things, the more liable I am to completely screw them up. When I’m really into something, especially early on, I have a tendency to really go after it, when it would have been best to pump the breaks a little bit and keep some semblance of my cool and a mostly level head. Trying hard has gotten me a lot of places in life, but it hasn’t been exactly great for my dating prospects. So then it becomes, and I hate to say it, some sort of game in some ways, where instead of trusting your gut and doing what you want, like trying to engage a person you’ve just digitally met in a prompt conversation, being somewhat aloof while also somehow still at least vaguely engaged seems to pay better dividends. There’s merit to not coming in too hot, maybe playing, forgive me for even using the term, “hard to get.” And if you reach a level where you’re gamifying something, it becomes more and more difficult to continue to take seriously. Especially if this gamification leads to you not being your true, if semi-over-communicative, self. I guess now that I’m writing my way through this, I realize I should, if I want to find the person for me, just follow my heart and just do what I think I should or would like to do, because if you’re not starting there, where are you gonna ultimately go?

ARE YOU GHOSTING ME?

I honestly don’t even know. Does it qualify as ghosting if the conversation itself isn’t really going anywhere and you just decide to extricate yourself from it without explanation? I mean, we haven’t even met each other in real life, so I don’t think this would actually be defined as ghosting. More of a fizzle out or something like that. I suppose there should be some sort of term for it, as “ghosting” seems to be too broad these days. I don’t know, it’s something that should be workshopped at the very least.