Little Talks: Relationship Review Prep

A series of short stories about a relationship starring a fictional couple who live rent free in Scott’s head.

“I think it’s pertinent we have a check-in from time to time,” she says and I mouth “What?” to her because I’m not sure if she’s on a work call or is addressing me.

She closes her laptop.

“You know, to keep track of our progress,” she says. “Like, just to see how we’re both feeling, how we’re doing. Individually and as a unit.”

“I’ve always wanted to be referred to as a unit, but now that I have been it skews a little bit lackluster.”

“Please try to think of it as endearing.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“Thanks.”

“Okay. Check-ins. How often are we talking here? Because until this point I’ve been under the impression that we’ve been talking all the time. About things. Unit things, even.”

“We do, we do. But maybe formalizing it in some way would be beneficial.”

“You know I hate formality.”

“We all do things we hate.”

“Not always voluntarily.”

“Can you just roll with me on this one?”

“Fine. What’re you thinking? Once a fiscal quarter?”

“We could ramp up to that based on individual needs, but I’d propose starting with an annual review sometime in the near future, and setting up a process moving forward from there.”

“Can I ask why you think this is something we should — or need — to do?”

“I guess because there’s always room for improvement…”

“Won’t argue that — though i do wonder what kind of promotion or other incentive I’d get for improving. What comes next after boyfriend? Please do not answer that.”

“…And having open dialogues can only help.”

“I will argue that.”

“Really?”

“I mean, in theory it makes sense and seems prudent, but it also seems a little precarious. Like, if we do these check-ins we’re just going to feel like we absolutely have to say something. What if there are no notes, you know? However, I will go on this journey with you and attempt to be glad about it.”

“That’s very submissive of you.”

“Well, you know me.”

“And through our Relationship Review, I’ll get to know you even better!”

“Already formalized it with a proper title. I both fear and respect this.”

“It just kind of rolls off the tongue.”

“Makes it more tangible, too, I guess. A real thing.”

“So, where do we start?” she says, opening up her laptop back up.

“Oh, we’re doing this now?”

“No time like the present, bud.”

“I was, to be fully transparent, hoping this was just a wild hare and we wouldn’t actually move forward with action items — that you’d forget about the whole thing and we could just keep existing in the bliss that we know, but…”

“…But you’re not that lucky. And look at that; I’ve started a fresh blank document for us to riff from.”

“Let’s white-board this shit.”

“Hell yeah.”

“What are we white-boarding, exactly?”

“I figure we compile some questions that we’ll then go and answer individually. After that, we can reconvene and discuss.”

“A good ole’ rapid fire. I can dig it.”

“You love a rapid fire.”

“Guilty.”

“Okay. I’ll go first: Where do you see yourself in five years?”

“I’m not supposed to immediately answer, am I?”

“No, this is just a brainstorm for questions we might consider for the final list.”

“Oh thank god.”

“What?”

“I feel like that’s a question that’s going to take some careful consideration.”

“I think most of these questions should be of that nature.”

“True. Let’s really get in there, I guess.”

“For better or worse.”

“Yes. Okay, I’ll go: What’s one area in which you wish we could have improved, as a unit, over the past year?”

“Would you say we’re having enough sex? Getting wild enough with it? How could we have more of it, and be more adventurous?”

“Which relationship goals have you met, though we haven’t properly discussed any goals to achieve, to my knowledge? And where do you feel you have fallen short?”

“What motivates you to get the job done?”

“In the sack?”

“Generally.”

“I’m already deigning from your proposed questions that I have some work to do.”

“Like I said, there’s always room for improvement. For both of us.”

“That’s fair. Here’s one: How do you prefer to receive feedback and/or recognition for the work you do and everything you bring to this relationship?”

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

“That I care too much.”

Unsurprisingly, I say this in a Papa Roach voice.

“Okay,” she says. “I think we’re done for now. But tell me you’re going to take this seriously.”

“I promise you I will.”

“Let’s spend the week assembling a list.”

“Sounds aces to me.”

I turn back to the TV.

She continues typing.