My Ex Launched a New Relationship, and I…

Did not handle it particularly well. But things have gotten exponentially better since. So go me.

My ex launched a new relationship and I felt extreme sadness that I wasn’t expecting. Certainly not hoping for.

My ex launched a new relationship and I tried the Cheez-It Crunchwrap Supreme for the first time. Not a great idea in hindsight. Not because it wasn’t delicious, but because now I will always think of that jarring incident every time I order up a Crunchwrap — and never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me that anything could ruin that delicacy for me.

My ex launched a new relationship and I finally changed my sheets, knowing now that she was gone forever. That there was finality, if not closure, and it wouldn’t do me all that much good to cling to her scent anymore. Quite the opposite, in fact. And it had been waning over the past two months anyway, conquered by my own musk, which had been occupying the bed alone, for more hours a day on average than I care to admit.

My ex launched a new relationship and I finally caved and purchased a discounted membership to Bang Bus, along with a calendar notification for myself to cancel the next month before the introductory offer ended.

My ex launched a new relationship and when I saw it I took a moment to digest it, telling myself it might be a platonic friend or her cousin or something in the Instagram picture, but knew in my heart this wasn’t true. Especially when I combed through the comments and found that the new guy had commented with three spaceship emoji, which would be a weird thing for a cousin to do. So then I went to the bathroom and vomited profusely and shook uncontrollably for more than a few moments.

My ex launched a new relationship and I Googled the difference between a hard launch and a soft launch, deciphering that it was in fact the former. She had, after all, tagged the new guy in the image, which the internet tells me is some serious business. The whole thing caught me off guard and I felt slighted even though I kept reminding myself that I had let her go (driven her away) and it was more than pertinent and reasonable for her to move on with her life, find something special and lasting with someone who was not me.

My ex launched a new relationship and I “liked” the post, like a goddamn idiot. I could say it was an accident, that I errantly double-tapped while I was scrolling and it just happened, but who the hell would believe something like that? I do not know why I did this. Probably should unpack it with my therapist.

My ex launched a new relationship and several people told me the best way to react would be to “get back on the horse.” They were quick to point out that this was a metaphor when I responded with, “I have never been on a horse in my life and I don’t plan on ever getting on one, because they are extremely frightening.”

My ex launched a new relationship and I posted a picture of myself sitting in front of a pizza with duck prosciutto on it.

My ex launched a new relationship and I wanted to make some sort of joke about it because that is my go-to coping mechanism, but for once I didn’t feel like laughing at all. Instead, I wept heavily for the first time since the breakup — really got some serious tears out.

My ex launched a new relationship and I thought about muting her out of self-preservation, but knew for certain I wouldn’t have the self-control to not constantly search for her profile and see what she was up to anyway if I did. And an unfollow is out of the question at this juncture, because that means, in some ways, fully letting go, which I’m having a hard time doing, much to my chagrin. Even though i know it’s over and keep reminding myself that this was inherently because of my own choices.

My ex launched a new relationship and I tried to muster some happiness for her like a more mature version of myself might, as I want her to get what she wants out of life from someone who could and would give what I could not and would not. But mostly I just spiraled about how real things ever actually were, how strong our bond if it took her less than two months for her to do so after we had been together for a two-and-a-half year span, while I had not even begun to pick up the pieces and was still wallowing in my failure and the constant rumination on why I hadn’t been able to make things work out the way I’d hoped they would. And lamenting the notion that the regret I was and would continue to experience is something I have to live with for being who I am. I wondered what things would have or could have been like if I had been a better version of me — the person she told me during our last conversation that she wished I could see the way she did. (And I will think about that statement until the day I die, or at least that’s the way it feels right now.)

My ex launched a new relationship and I finally realized (or, more aptly, admitted to myself) that I have been in a semi-deep depression for years, and that it had an extremely negative impact on what was the best relationship of my entire life. Figured I should work on that in earnest, but knew I would have a difficult time trying to start, given the pervading sadness exacerbated by the depression that was getting in the way. That shit is pesky, man. And cyclical. A prison you sometimes feel like you can’t get out of. A black dog you can’t re-home.

My ex launched a new relationship and I fired up the dating apps once again, bringing back my “Don’t Die Alone” phone folder, but after having no immediate success resigned myself to the notion that it is not at all unlikely at this point that I will die alone and sad. But not without getting some fresh pictures and updating my profile and seeing what’s what in the interim.

My ex launched a new relationship and I engaged in some serious online retail therapy. Figured I’d need some new duds to wear in my new and improved dating app photos. And for any dates that might eventually come from using said apps.

My ex launched a new relationship and I kept working on the letter I had been writing her that I hadn’t sent and likely never would now, given that development, because what was the point? It would sit in my Evernote in perpetuity, probably, tucked away digitally to complement all the thoughts in my head that could have amounted to words I’d said, but never did.

My ex launched a new relationship and I took a personal day to really lean into self-pity, but found that taking time away from the things that occupy me on a day-to-day basis was not the best idea. I was back online by noon, searching for any kind of distraction.

My ex launched a new relationship and I almost won a Magic: The Gathering online tournament with a brand new deck I built meticulously in an attempt to keep my mind off things. Still had a lot of trouble focusing, though, and made some amateurish mistakes, which seems to be a life motif for me.

My ex launched a new relationship and I went for a long, long walk while I listened to sad, sad music — and tried to make doing so a habit. If you see a grown man weeping while pacing at a steady clip along the lakefront in downtown Chicago, clad in a fanny pack, crew socks, short sweat shorts, huge headphones and shoes that are mostly worn by dads while they mow the lawn, there’s a good chance that it’s me.

My ex launched a new relationship and I got drunk and high and went to see a psychic, who told me that things would not have worked out ultimately, no matter what, due to “spiritual blockage.” And I chose to cling to that with all my might, because sometimes you just want to believe in something, anything, that might soothe you even just a little bit.

My ex launched a new relationship and I spent some time going through all the sexts she had sent me through the years. Which was a huge mistake.

My ex launched a new relationship and I began to remember all the good times, the great things, and not the other stuff, like how I couldn’t properly commit, etc. Strange how that works, isn’t it?

My ex launched a new relationship and I wondered if they still do lobotomies, or if the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind has been developed yet. But then I reminded myself that forgetting about what we had and how I lost it would only be a temporary salve — that I won’t grow at all if I try to force myself into a stunted emotional state (any more than I already have, anyway).

My ex launched a new relationship and I spent the next several hours staring at my laptop screen, a blank document open, occasionally shouting things like, “What the fuck am I even doing?” out loud in my empty apartment.

My ex launched a new relationship and I thought long and hard about what could have been, hoping that someday that’ll shift to wondering what might come next.