Obscure Trash Talk You Can Use to Throw Off the Rec-League Competition When They’re at the Free-Throw Line

Don’t forget to box out. Because they’re gonna miss if you deliver these properly.

I bet plenty of people have tried to fix you. How’s that going? Doesn’t look like it’s worked out so far.

You look like the kinda guy whose therapist asks to record many of his sessions to use in anonymous case studies.

You should have done what you could to be a better partner when you had the chance. Shoulda held her close by the water that one time, that one end-of-summer night. You know what I’m talking about. It was a pivotal moment, wasn’t it? And hey — remember this: She’s never coming back.

Great defense back there. Swatted me good. But I bet you touch way more glass than ass, don’t you?

You know, I bet you’re a really gentle kisser. Kind of a shame that nobody really gets to appreciate that about you.

I bet you don’t have anyone who will pick you up at the airport. And you won’t even ask, because you’re so tired of hearing the bogus excuses your whole rolodex comes up with.

Your vote’s not really gonna matter after all, even though we’re in a swing state. It’s all up to the electoral college. How scary is that?

Speaking of the election, if things go a certain way there’s the distinct possibility that soon the government is going to take all your guns from you, and launching up these bricks is gonna be the only kind of shooting you got left.

On the topic of bricks, you’re laying enough of them tonight to build a house — but I doubt you’d be able to pay the mortgage. Not in this economy. Bet you couldn’t even make a down payment that would cut it to begin with.

Remember how your sister used to tutor me? How’s it make you feel that this, in some way, helped me eventually get a higher-paying job than you? Also, we made out. Several times. Over-the-pants stuff was even involved. How’s she doing, by the way?

I’m not a used-car salesman, but I know one who can get you in a low-mileage Escape tomorrow. In case, you know, you want to really get away from all this.

Ever think about the inherent futility of being a participant in the universe as we know it, and that our existence in and of itself means pretty much absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things?

Nice jersey. Didn’t know you could get such legit replicas in your size.

You got any plans later? Wanna take me to Olive Garden and tell me I’m pretty? I know you do. We can go Dutch. It’s only fair. Not gonna make you pay for me after we finish whipping your ass.

I bet you love one of your kids more than the others. And you know it too, don’t you? Deep down in your heart. How does that make you feel? Do you think they know too? I assume they do. How do you think that makes them feel?

Today I learned that the local Red Lobster is going to close indefinitely. Nothing gold can stay. Not even Cheddar Bay Biscuits. And sure, you can try to make your own at home. But you and I both know it’s not going to be the same. Not even close.

I bet when you stare into the abyss it says “Eww” and tells you to take your wandering male gaze elsewhere.

You look like the kinda guy whose body would reject hair plugs because you’re just made to be bald.

I’d throw down my next paycheck on a wager that your night terrors are far superior to your actual everyday life.

Even Guy Fieri wouldn’t have anything nice to say about your attempts at cooking.

If you don’t start playing your cards better you’re gonna wind up sleeping at this here YMCA. And they don’t even offer that service anymore. You’d just have to find a neglected stairwell and keep your head on a swivel to avoid the custodians.

If you ever got divorced, which is probably inevitable, and fired up Bumble I bet you’d get blocked and reported with startling regularity.

You couldn’t hold my jockstrap. But I bet you’d absolutely love to.