Occasional Dispatches From Meeting Side-Chats

Sometimes you just gotta let it out.

Who’s this fucking guy think he is? And what gives him the right?

What circle of hell do you think she’s in charge of running?

At this point, I’m not entirely sure that they even know what the word “irreverent” means. Think I should drop the Merriam-Webster definition in the chat?

No lie, in the very first round of all this, I wrote the line “Good bones make for a great time.” But I never showed it because I realized it might make more sense if used by a different brand, like one that will give you a no-questions-asked prescription to generic Viagra on the internet, or an escort service, instead of an ultra-calcium-infused gummy supplement. Do you think we should bring this up to client or just be happy that they finally landed on and approved something? It’s up to y’all, but I’m just flagging that one time we unwittingly got a suspect line past Flonase, “Have a good blow to your head,” and the results were…disastrous. Though, it does bear consideration that in both instances the lines were technically on brief.

What’s with this woman and pineapples?

I’m gonna fill my pockets with rocks and walk straight into Lake Michigan. Do I need to put an OOO on my calendar for that? “Out-of-pocket with rocks in pockets instead of work phone, not coming back after lunch ha ha ha” sounds like it might be the move. “Gone fishin’” could work, too, if brevity is best.

Boy howdy, there is absolutely no way this banner advertisement about tires is not going to get me right into the Cannes Lions Advertising Awards this year. I might book my tickets to the south of France during this very call. It’s called multitasking. Something I excel at. Which is likely a contributing factor to the fact that I am an award-winning creative person. No — individual.

Hey, a sinking ship is still a ship. I guess. Hope they brought plenty of snorkels. Because I’m pretty sure there ain’t enough lifeboats on board.

Honestly, I should just start using ChatGPT. But before I ask it to write this assignment for me, I’m going to prompt it to compose 500 words about what you should do once you’ve abandoned all hope. In Iambic Pentameter.

Wait, hang on. Did that man just really say we might be over-indexing on diversity? Wonder what he was up to January 6, 2021.

I’d rather try fentanyl than that new flavor. Actually, have you guys ever tried any of this stuff? It’s abhorrent and offensive to several of the senses. Sampled it when I started on the client and it almost ruined my entire weekend. Their new tagline should be “Not even once.” Yes, I know that is already taken by meth. But something in that vein.

Where’d they get their MFA? Hufflepuff? If they tell us to “just work some of your magic” one more time my head is going to explode.

My camera wasn’t on when I ripped that blinker just now, right? I can stay off, can’t I? My eyes are probably gonna get pretty red soon. And uh, I’ll be on mute, too, just to be safe. And don’t give me shit. It’s legal and I didn’t ask to be on calls at 10 p.m. with consultants from Australia. I don’t even know what the hell consultants do. What client is this for again?

I can’t be 100 percent sure but I’m pretty certain that’s a Hanson poster on the wall behind him. Who’s brave enough to ask? I clocked it first so I feel I should be able to abstain. I don’t make the rules but I do abide them. One of you other cowards, however, should step the hell up — see if he knows any semi-deep cuts like “Penny and Me” while you’re at it. That song rips. Give it a listen.

Next time one of them asks me how my weekend was I’m going to say I can’t talk about it and let them wonder. Hope they think I’m in some sort of fight club.

If I were a betting man, I’d wager that woman at least occasionally fills up one of her kid’s sippy cups with Courvoisier and takes nips from it with startling frequency.

I feel as though his dog is the one who should be running the meetings. No joke, that guy looks and sounds dumb enough to have actually drunk Bailey’s from a shoe.

They’re getting high on their own supply, are they not? They absolutely have to be. Their taking of their own drugs seems to be what tangentially influences why I take so many drugs of my own.

Huh. How’ bout that? I guess not all annoying sass-monsters who lean to the far right are named Karen after all. The more you know, I suppose. I’ll tell you one thing, I am so appreciative of this mind-broadening vocational experience I’m getting. My resume is going to go from “mid” to “tits” in no time flat.

They want to change the logo to rainbow colors for one day. Innovative. Challenging. Bold. Provocative.

If you haven’t checked your email recently, you should. They’re taking away Summer Fridays. I think the mutiny might soon finally be fully upon us. Gird your loins, friends. Sage your apartments. Pray to whatever talismans you’ve got. Things are liable to get real weird in the coming fortnight.

I think we’re about to get kicked out of this room. Do we go down swinging?

Good lord, do I wish they’d give me some time back.

What exactly do you think they mean by EOD? And do you think there’s at least a slim chance our existence as we know it comes to an abrupt end before or by then? Or should I try to write more lines? I for one think we should just believe that the apocalypse will come at a convenient time. Okay, fine. I’ll keep writing (banging my head against the wall lol). Just in case.