Some Dating and Relationship Advice I Am Absolutely Not at All Qualified to Give
Maybe you can learn something from my casual observations and personal mistakes. (I may have actually slept in a Walmart parking lot once, for example.)
They say if you’re in a partnership you should never go to bed angry, and I tend to agree with that, but only if you can potentially ensure a way for both parties to avoid doing so. An apology, even if earnest, is not specifically meant to make you feel better about whatever transgression you have committed or disagreement you may have had. Comfort and alleviation of anxiety can be a result, but it’s not the inherent purpose of admitting that you’re at least partially responsible for one or both of you being a little ornery when it comes time for the evening turn-down service. Also, when you’re attempting to diffuse a certain situation before trying to get some shut-eye, it’s probably best to not use business buzzwords. Something like “Let’s put a pin in this for now and circle back tomorrow morning or whenever you’re next avail” doesn’t tend to go over very well.
You should make it a point to never black out while on a first date. But we’re all fallible. We get nervous. We make mistakes. We convince ourselves we have hollow legs when we can barely hold a few shots of Malibu, especially on an empty stomach. We adopt the belief that a night cap is a great idea even though we are having difficulty remembering where we are or who we’re there with. So it may happen at one point or another. And of course when you black out, you go on autopilot and lose any semblance of sense or decorum — have to rely on some version of you that you have to trust as far as you can throw him or he’s willing to take you in the opposite direction of a metaphorical cliff that leads to complete catastrophe. It’s best that, just in case, you begin attempting every now and then to tap into this iteration of self that lurks in some sort of depth, awaiting its next opportunity to emerge after a long but restful slumber. Get to know it a bit, and then train it to do or not do certain things. For example, you might tell it time and time again that it should, under no circumstances, even think about operating heavy machinery of any kind. (This may lead to you spending the night in your car in the parking lot of a Walmart, but it will be worth it in the long run.) And also that you should not tell the woman you have just finally scored a night out with that you “might” be in love with her. (If it doesn’t take your suggestion and does exactly this, out of spite or excitement or whatever, this too may lead to you spending the night in your car in the parking lot of a Walmart.)
On a similar note, you should not tell someone you love them if you’re not ready for what comes with that. Even if you do love them or fully believe in your heart and mind and soul (or something similar) that you do. Sometimes love is not enough. It does not conquer all, and it is not all you need. These things have been proven, over and over. Much as that sucks to hear. This can be difficult to square with, because you can’t choose when you fall in love. But you can choose to do things that will help you better prepare for a healthy relationship if and when you do (and it is reciprocated, of course).
Husbands and wives are hurdles, not walls. But you should be careful about where and when you choose to jump. And how high you can leap without completely biffing it. Don’t be the one to have a hand in wrecking a home. Best to wait until it has already crumbled and at least some of the dust has settled before you really make any kind of move.
I know it’s important to have some compelling and interesting questions or conversation topics locked and loaded for a date, especially if it’s a first one. But starting a discourse about how a person thinks they would fare in the event of a zombie apocalypse, and if they would in some ways welcome one occurring is probably taking it a little bit too far. So is asking, “So, how many consecutive days do you think you could spend in your apartment without leaving even once?”
Sometimes the best strategy is no strategy at all. Love is not a game and finding it shouldn’t be gamified either. Ask me, winging it is underrated. Just go off the cuff (long as it’s not to the extent where you’re doing what I just suggested not to do in the above missive), follow your gut and see what happens. Never hesitate to be your true self. You’ll have to shed light on who you really are at some point if things progress anyway, so why not start off letting your freak flag fly, albeit with at least moderately controlled abandon? Strike a balance.
Don’t put any Kid Rock songs on your “Boner Jamz” playlist.
Have some fun out there.
