Some Push Notifications That Might Actually Convince Me to Open Tinder Again
Some would be truncated for length, as I did not adhere to character-count best practices.
Shooters shoot. And you miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take. Gotta snag a match first, though. Better get swipin’, bud. Before it’s too late. And nothing is worse than too late.
You might die alone. But there’s a slim chance we can help that not happen. Could be worth a try.
It’s okay if you’re going bald. Some people actually dig that. It’s a thing. A rarity. But a thing.
We noticed you haven’t been active for a while. Just know we’re still here should you choose to abandon all hope.
That mustache looks good on you. Why don’t you take some new pics and take it for a spin around one of the OG dating apps?
Sure, we admit this app might put you in one of the circles of hell, because hell is other people and all that, according to some folks. But it might be an easier-to-tolerate circle than the one you’ve grown used to, and we sense that you might be welcoming any sort of improvement at this point.
There’s someone out there for everyone. But you should stop looking for them in your past. Why not fuck around, swipe right and find out?
Isn’t it about time you see if you can get ghosted more often by potential lovers than job recruiters?
We may be able to help you find something that you’ve always really wanted. Which could potentially assist in partially filling the enduring hole in your soul. Avoid the void!
At this point, it’s unlikely that you’ve fully ruled out being in a thruple. Like, beggars can’t be choosers, after all. We fully acknowledge that three makes a crowd, but it also means some company. Which can be nice. Not trying to cajole you into anything here, but what if you opened your mind to the notion that waking up next to two people is better than spending yet another night alone on your couch eating what you call “ramped-up ramen?”
Tinder ain’t a place for grammar Nazis or Nazis of any type. Though they are out there. We can’t catch ’em all or do much about it, so take care as you swipe. Especially if you happen to be in Argentina on Passport Mode.
A revenge body is only gonna do you any good if you put it to some carnal use.
What if you fired up Tinder and ended up kissing a woman outside an Olive Garden after a damn-near-perfect suburban date? We assume you have love and will travel, given that you’ve set your match radius for up to 50 miles in any direction. And while we haven’t solidified an Uber discount partnership yet, we can offer you this Spotify playlist of Boner Jamz to listen to on your way home as you entertain the notion of what it might be like to take it to second base with a woman who has just recently gone through her first divorce.
A one-month premium subscription is currently on sale for less than what you’d pay for a Reality Kings membership. Just saying. How you add to your Spank Bank is, of course, fully up to you.
Gazing into the abyss again on a Friday night? May as well do it while you’re manically swiping right. Multi-tasking is an efficient way to find what might blossom into love, or something vaguely similar.
Tired of trying to find that elusive spark? Fire up Tinder again, friend. We named it Tinder for a reason. Did a whole naming/branding exercise, actually, to get to it. We may be biased, but we feel it’s rather apt.
It only hurts until you do better. And we’re here to help with that. Maybe. No guarantees, though. Just being honest.
