Some Rather Strange Push Notifications I Have Received From Uber Eats

They go hard, and verbose. Many of these were obviously truncated ’til I opened ‘em.

Scott Muska
I THOUGHT THIS WAS WORTH SHARING

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It might be time to consider making a serious move. Because we will no longer be delivering to rock bottom.

You up? If so, we feel like it’s a good time to remind you you haven’t ordered a bulk case of Airheads after 1 a.m. in over a month, and wanted to let you know this is still something you can choose to do, if you have run out, which we suspect that you have.

Did you know that we also offer the option to pick up your order? It’ll save you a few shekels and, from where we sit, please forgive the pun, getting off your couch might not be the worst idea. We acknowledge that this is not exactly the best message for us to send from a business perspective, but, you know, we do worry sometimes and are capable of displaying tiny glimpses of humanity. It’s not all about the money. Just kidding. It is. Don’t tell our bosses we sent you this.

Are you completely stoned out of your gourd yet? If so, we have some great ideas. If not, no worries. We’ll check back in later. It’s only a matter of time. You know this. We know this. Do not try to fight who you are deep down inside.

We’ve got a unique offer going you might enjoy: If you order from Raising Cane’s in the next 48 hours, you will get a 30 percent discount one one psychic reading. (From a mystic with no affiliation with that fine chicken establishment, most likely, just FYI.) A little clairvoyant intel and guidance to go with your greasy feast. And remember what happened last time you went to a psychic: She told you several things that came to fruition in one way or another, including her assertion that you and your then ex, who you got back with and is now again your ex, this time for good, for better or worse, were not going to work out, due to several things, including “spiritual blockage,” whatever the hell that means.

Not for nothing, but subscribing to premium is a fiscally responsible move for someone like you, given your habits and frequency of orders. It pays for itself in like one or two meals a month, and you generally eclipse that on this, the first day of the month. Rabbit rabbit, by the way.

For what it’s worth, we would never ghost you. Not implying that this has happened to you recently or anything, but, yeah…

Live every day like it’s cheat day! Mostly because we really need to hit our bottom line for the overly ambitious quarterly goal the CMO cajoled us into agreeing to, and desperately need you, your semi-deep pockets, ambitious appetite and borderline hazardous spending.

Just a reminder that we also provide a service where a complete stranger will pick you up at a place of your choosing, and then drop you off at another destination for a modest portion (in our opinion) of your weekly salary. In case you ever, you know, have a reason to leave your apartment for a while. We can’t promise this, but the driver you get stuck with might start some random conversations with you during the trip, as well, so you’ll get some real human interaction, which may be good for you. The topic could range from the Chicago Bears to what it’s like to take an Ambien and go to the circus, which kind of adds to the thrill of it all.

Lookin’ for some authentic New York-style pizza here in the Windy City? Well, you’re shit outta luck, bud, but here are some alternatives that will pale in comparison but are still made up of mostly the same ingredients. Pizza is like fellatio. It’s always good, and if it’s good it’s great.

We get the feeling you’re on the market for butterscotch-flavored liqueur. Don’t lie to us. Just give in to the temptation. The heart wants what the heart wants. That’s right, we deliver booze, too. We’re all about breaking barriers of entry to gluttony and hedonism, and total abandonment regarding good, clean living.

Your favorite Chinese joint has, unfortunately, closed up shop for good. We’re here to help you through your existential crisis with some new, less-delightful options to try. As well as a discount code to sign up for BetterHelp. We’re confident you can get through this and come out the other side smiling.

We’ve got some dope discounts on Taco Bell meals intended for entire families. Even if you have no kin in your apartment or anywhere near where you live, we assure you it’s not just for families. Or for groups, even. You might be alone right now. But with an ample appetite, and several Crunchwrap Supremes are certainly one way to at least partially fill the void whose presence you are undoubtedly aware of. Never forget that you can Live Más all by your goddamn self.

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Scott Muska
I THOUGHT THIS WAS WORTH SHARING

I write books (for fun, and you can find them on Amazon), ads (for a living) and some other stuff (that seems to magically show up on the internet).