Streaming My Self-Care
Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Webcam
I’m an introvert, worse than that, I’m one of the silent ones. The kind of introvert that sits in the back of the room and observes from a distance. I speak minimally and only enough to convey critical information.
No small talk, no fluff.
Now of course, this is more guideline than solid law. Alcohol and good, interesting company will loosen my tongue. But by and large, speaking and being social is a chore. Most introverts will tell you that while it’s not exactly painful or a source of fear, it is very draining, something to be engaged rarely if at all. For me, it’s like a job, and a bitch be lazy.
So why in the hell am I streaming video games on Twitch?
Being a successful Twitch streamer is about interaction, it’s about personality, it’s about being bubbly and engaging and informative and entertaining and I’m exhausted just thinking about all the ways I have to be when I turn that camera on.
So why?
Why subject myself to the scrutiny of the internet, a place empirically provento be hostile ground for women and people of color, of whom I am both?
As a gamer no less, and y’all already know how bad gamers can be.
So why?
Let me tell you.
I don’t watch TV. I can’t even find the TV input button on my remote anymore. My inputs bounce between the Roku stick and the PS4. What is TV anyway? Do they still have commercials over there?
Really?
Can’t relate.
Unable to afford the 9 ½ million dollars a month it would take to get even the most basic of cable, the lionshare of my household entertainment is free, watched on YouTube
Or Twitch.
I am a gamer, my husband is a gamer, so most of the stuff we watch on those two platforms is video game related. Highlights from professional Hearthstone players, compilation videos of funny or interesting things that happened this week in Overwatch, speedruns, ‘let’s plays’- hell, when we go to bed at night, we just let Twitch run because the voice of one of our favorite streamer is so chill and soothing. We subsist almost entirely on a diet of video game entertainment.
And over time I’ve noticed 99.9% of the people making this kind of entertainment is white and male. It’s one of those things that you’ve learned to accept being a black female gamer, nearly all of the content you consume is going to be made by and for white men.
Now I didn’t start streaming in hopes of adding to the small but mighty #blackgirlmagic on Twitch. It’s a nice bonus, being the change you wish to see and all that, but not my goal. It’s more like a “Shit, might as well”. Because as I sit and watch these men and women (mostly men) play and get views, follows, hits, subscribers, and donations, I start thinking:
Damn, wouldn’t it be nice to have that kind of life? Where I can get paid to do the thing I love to do?
It would, though I know I’ve got a Zora’s chance in the Fire Temple of making a living off this. Please understand I suffer no delusions about how ridiculously hard it is to build a supportive income from streaming. I know most streamers break negative or even, definitely not enough to quit their day-job and stream full-time. That’s also not my goal, but rather a happy consequence of working toward success.
So again, why?
Two reasons:
The current administration of my country has decided to give fuck and all about the rule of law. I honestly, truly feel that Bad Things are going to continue to happen for the foreseeable future, up to and including war. And if I’m going to potentially suffer the full-scale revocation of my civil rights, if those tyrants in the White House are going to MAGA like they wanna and return us to the fifties where black, queer women like me were second class citizens, then motherfucker it’s time to do the shit I’ve always wanted to do.
You’re supposed to live, to attempt your dreams before “It’s too late”. That’s always been some nebulous, intangible thing. A bon mot to motivate you that you can choose to pick up or put down at leisure and without pressure. But with the way things are and how they’re going, I actually feel like I can see the “TOO LATE” coming toward me like a red light strewn brick wall. I decided to start streaming, to put myself out there on the razor’s edge of my comfort zone so if we crash into that “TOO LATE” brick wall, I can at least say “I Tried.”
The second reason: streaming is actually a source of much needed sanity.
I normally practice self-care through writing or casual gaming. But neither are foolproof. It’s easy (at least for me) to become distracted. There’s Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, and Reddit all ready and waiting to serve you the latest horrors from home and abroad. It’s easy to step away from Google Docs or the controller and see what fresh ‘alt-facts’ are being bandied about. Which fave is proving problematic with their willingness to coon for an administration that does not and will not ever care for them.
Done right, streaming eliminates all of that. You’re on, you’re live, you are required to focus 110% of your attention on your game and your viewers. You do not have time to check Twitter because there’s three people watching you and you gotta keep them entertained enough so they’ll come back and bring their friends.
If I had to describe it, it’s like being in the most complicated sensory deprivation chamber. You’re playing your game (in my case, I’m working through the Mass Effect trilogy to refresh myself before Andromeda hits). You’re also watching your streaming software to make sure you aren’t dropping frames. You’re watching your chat stream to make sure you’re engaging your viewers. You’re watching your notification bar so you don’t miss the new followers. You are so focused on 3.2 million little things that you forgot how hopeless and depressed you were in the two minutes before you went live.
I decided to start streaming, to perform for a potential audience of millions — something that I should loathe with every atom of my existence, because for 3 solid hours, even if no one is watching me, I forget my country is metaphorically burning.
You cannot buy that kind of bliss.
Well you can, it costs:
$90 for a webcam
$100 for a 2nd monitor
$60 for a headset
$150 capture card…
Author’s Note: This was originally published on my other blog The Token Black Chick Writes
