Yes Virginia, We Do Want to Fuck the Fishmen

And with the way men are acting, you would too.

Reviews for The Shape of Water are coming in with generally positive reception. It’s Guillermo Del Toro after all, the man knows his monsters and his storytelling, this movie wasn’t gonna be bad.

But folks on the internet sometimes have to be contrarian for clicks and in so doing tip their hand to reveal they aren’t really on the internet that much at all.

Consider this spurious claim:

You don’t….you don’t really know the internet do you?

Gurl. Really?

I hate how it’s framed that the protagonist, Elisa, would only choose a not!fishman out of desperation. That’d there be no other reason to choose this fishman except in the most extreme of circumstances. That ‘actual men’ are the pinnacle of human attraction.

Not only does this fail to take into account the long and storied history of humanity’s lust for the hot humanoid next door, but this also completely ignores the current news cycle that keeps outing dudes as predatory trash.

Yes absolutely I’d fuck the fishman if given a choice between him and Michael Shannon (and that’s no shade to Shannon. Loved him (and wouldn’t mind fucking him) in Boardwalk Empire.)

But to ask why Elisa wouldn’t rather choose to fuck a not!fishman vastly overstates the appeal of men and the un-appeal of fishmen.

These dudes? In this economy??? Couldn’t be me.

Elisa’s choice doesn’t make her crazy. It isn’t weird or unbelievable, it’s a hallmark of our popular culture. More than anything, her choice makes her instantly relateable, giving her a kinship she shares with just about anyone who’s participated in a fandom the last 20, 30, 40 years. (So….all of us.)

We fuck fishmen. We want to fuck fishmen. We prefer to fuck fishmen.

Bruh, I ain’t need to see the whole trailer. This image alone sold the film

The hottest video game right now is about gathering the correct kinds of Ikea furniture in order for you to attract anthropomorphic cats, dogs, and eagles to your camp (so you can later fuck them).

The Stars Trek and War have been letting humans fuck aliens for a whole ass half century.

Disney made an entire generation of kids furries or furry adjacent and I know we ain’t gonna retroactively drag Princess Belle, First of her Name, Keeper of Teapots and Destroyer of Men’s Egos for wanting to bang that Beast.

Because we all wanted to bang that Beast and we all collectively groaned a sigh of disappointment when that spell broke.

Go back go back go back! JESUS CHRIST GO BACK!

Humans are creatures that appreciate options… and boning things, and if given the option between human men and

Fishmen

Why have a fishman when you could have a fish prince!

Bullmen

Ride that Bull YAAAASSS

Ghostmen

Look…there’s really no reason for me to have this here other than to satisfy my own thirst

Gargoylemen

Look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn't!

Turianmen

Reachin’ for that ass since 2010

And Octomen

Look at this not!man he got a wife and kids. Sis knows what’s up

It’s wholly valid and not surprising at all a good chunk of us would rather take our chances the latter.

Sorry not sorry

By the way, did anybody care this much about the dudes in Splash or Splice?

No?

Didn’t think so.