Authenticity, Values, and “I Am Me” Event Recap
On November 19, 2019, we kicked off OurVoice’s San Francisco event series with our first workshop — “I Am Me” featuring Jill Pixley. The focus of this event was personal values and the role they play in authenticity.
Recognizing that the journey to self-confidence and authenticity begins with a deep, intimate awareness and understanding of self, we decided to center our first event around the goal of exploring our personal values. Our guest speaker was Jill Pixley. It was an incredible treat to have her present and support us through a hands-on workshop and heartfelt dialogue. Jill helped us understand the connection between authenticity and personal values. Throughout the evening, we leveraged themes and tools from Brené Brown’s The Daring Way™ framework.
Authenticity & Values
Authenticity is defined in many different ways. Personally, it has always resonated as congruence. If we look deep within ourselves, beneath all the layers of social conditioning, and beneath all the masks we wear (consciously or subconsciously), the beautiful place beneath all this gunk is where we exist in our truest, purest form. In our most aligned moments, we have an awareness and understanding of this true self, and other times we struggle with finding clarity on who we are at our core.
On my personal journey, it has taken deep work, digging within, and many times untangling some pretty unpleasant cobwebs (it isn’t always fun to gopher around the deepest, darkest, corners of your shadow side) to be able to learn who I truly am. But the beauty and joy I’ve felt in finally beginning to know myself has been unparalleled.
Once we begin to get acquainted with who we are internally, we can start to determine how to achieve congruence between who we are on the inside and how we show up on the outside. This is authenticity.
Our values come into play as we explore within and start to define what we find. What makes us happy? What do we stand for? What do we not stand for? What is important in our lives?
Values form the bridge between who we are on the inside, and the world that exists around us. Knowing and defining who we are ultimately helps us stand in our truth and power — this forms the foundation of our self-confidence.
Event Recap
In her guest talk, Jill discussed that showing up authentically is a choice that we can all make, and that making this choice takes courage as well as daily commitment. Jill shared that we are all made of strength and struggle, we are all made of imperfections… and that it takes great vulnerability to believe that we are enough in spite of this. But once we can embrace ourselves in fullness, and demonstrate compassion in knowing that we actually have perfection in our flaws, we can truly nurture connections with others and create a shared sense of belonging.
As we discussed authenticity, one attendee asked “How can we show up authentically if we don’t know who we are?” This foundational question served as the perfect opening into the topic of values.
As Jill shared her thoughts on values, the group discussed how defining our values is a big part of understanding who we are. Values serve as a navigational tool in our lives and provide a much needed guiding light for us when we feel lost. Values are a compass. They give us a deep sense of what matters in our lives and help us rise when we fall. We discussed how hard it is to consistently live life according to our values, and shared with one another our stories of stumbling and triumphing in this journey to authenticity. Jill walked us through activities through which helped us define and identify our core values, and create manifestos to help us live by them.
Takeaways
In just a few hours together, we managed to co-create magical moments of depth and connection. Here are my top takeaways from the evening.
Our values are constantly evolving
At the event, a few folks shared how similar exercises they had done over the years indicated a shift in personal values over time. If our values change what does that say about us? If our values aren’t constant can we count on them? Can we really lean on them as a foundational definition of self — one that our authenticity can stem from?
Ultimately, we are growing, evolving beings, and the life experiences that we have dynamically mold and shape us. It is normal for our values to shift over time, and for us to become more consciously aware of their evolution as we progress through life. It can actually be an incredibly beneficial self-study exercise to go back and map how our values have shifted over time and which external events were catalysts to these shifts.
Ultimately, authenticity is about being aware of how our values are changing — and showing up in our truth in acceptance of their constant evolution.
Our values manifest uniquely in various contexts
In spite of who we are on the inside, we each choose to show up uniquely in the various external contexts of our life. When we are with family or friends, a certain subset or interpretation of our values may manifest. And our values may manifest differently when we are at work or in relationships. Does this varying expression mean we are being inauthentic or false in any way?
The masks that we wear externally serve as adaptation or translation devices that help us coexist with others in our external world. Wearing these masks isn’t necessarily bad, as long as those masks aren’t coming from a place of shame, self-doubt, or fear.
The term “mask” has a somewhat dark, shadowy connotation and seems to imply that the wearer is being fake, or donning a disguise that transforms them into an inauthentic character. And sometimes we do exactly this… when we are ashamed of our true selves, or afraid of how we will be received.
But if we are standing in our truth, and simply looking to build a bridge that connects us in healthier ways with others, then a layer of abstraction between our true selves and our life’s contexts can many times be helpful, and can help us form stronger relationships with others. And that’s not a bad thing.
Sometimes our values just won’t align — and that’s okay
We’ve all experienced situations in which our values simply don’t align with others. Attendees at the event courageously shared their own personal stories — some of relationships where value misalignments were recognized and addressed, and others of marriages where the chasm was so huge that it ended in divorce. Some spoke of work situations where there were value mismatches.
Sometimes our authenticity can help us heal situations, bridge with others, and help us co-exist in the world. And other times, we just have to accept that stepping away from certain situations or people is the best thing we can do for ourselves and everyone else involved. And the most important thing is to recognize that this isn’t failure, but rather a very self-aware success.
Final Thoughts
What I found most heart-warming throughout the evening was how the group slowly opened up and shared their own personal stories around authenticity and values. What was even more wonderful was hearing feedback after the event, and learning of the deep thinking and conversations that took place afterwards as we all processed our takeaways.
One attendee shared, “This (event) has changed how I deal with situations entirely.” Another met me for coffee afterwards and shared deep post-event thinking about how her values differ from her significant other and his family and what this may mean for her future.
I am incredibly grateful to everyone who came and played a part in creating this magical evening. For sharing their stories and thoughts. For quietly reflecting. For demonstrating courage in exploring the vast topics of values and authenticity. I personally took away so much from our first OurVoice event, and I feel such a deep sense of community already. I am eagerly awaiting (and planning for) an opportunity to connect with you all very soon. Stay tuned for more information on our next event!
Love Reena
About Our Guest Speaker
Our guest speaker for the evening was Jill Pixley. Jill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator. The Daring Way™ is an experiential curriculum, developed by Dr. Brené Brown, based on her research on courage, worthiness, shame and vulnerability. Jill received her M.A. in Counseling Psychology from the University of San Francisco and B.A. in Drama from Stanford University. In addition to counseling, Jill has worked as a professional actress, a playwriting coach with incarcerated teens, and a personal trainer, all of which have informed her therapeutic work in creative and active ways. She strives to help others re-connect with their truest selves by identifying their strengths, passions and values in a way that is both empowering and healing.
Our Sponsors
A heartfelt thank you to Google San Francisco for sponsoring our venue for this event.
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