Far From a Perfect 10.0
How the toxic environment of gymnastics allowed Larry Nassar to get away with two decades of sexual abuse.
I grew up as a competitive gymnast. Instead of Friday night sleepovers, I was at the gym until 9 PM. Instead of dinner with my family each night, I ate reheated food on the car ride home. No birthday parties, no hanging out with friends, no childhood. Only gymnastics.
Like many other gymnasts, my parents were tired of me jumping and flipping around on the couches in my house. So, my parents signed me up for gymnastics at the age of four. I loved it.
I spent almost fifteen years as a gymnast. I competed for nine of them. At seventeen, I practiced twenty hours a week, five days a week, four hours a day, with three weeks off a year. I was exhausted, beaten down, and broken. The love I once had for gymnastics vanished.
USAG
USA Gymnastics is the governing body for gymnastics in the United States. When I competed, USAG had three choices of competitions for artistic women’s gymnastics divided by intensity. There is Xcel, IGC, and JO, which is what I competed in. JO stands for Junior Olympic and has ten levels with the goal of reaching elite after completion if the gymnast chooses.
Although not mentioned as much as they should, USA Gymnastics played a massive role in the Larry Nassar sexual abuse case. They had reports from gymnasts and parents about Nassar and other predators abusing athletes long before it went public. But, instead of taking action, they hid the reports in an attempt to avoid scandal.
USAG along with other members of the board also discouraged gymnasts from speaking out against Nassar. They used Olympic hopeful and now successful NCAA gymnast, Maggie Nichols as an example. She was one of the first to come out about Nassar’s abuse in 2015 and an obvious choice for the 2016 Olympic Team. After disclosing information to USAG about Nassar, no action was taken. As result, Maggie did not make the Olympic Team. This discouraged any other gymnasts from coming out against Nassar or USAG.
Larry Nassar
Larry Nassar was a doctor for the USA national gymnastics team and a professor at Michigan State. Although the first report of abuse against him was made in the 1990s, his abuse wasn’t public until 2015. In the two decades that he was active, he sexually abused more than 300 women and girls, most of which were minors when the abuse happened. Since the news broke in 2015, more and more women have come forward as victims and survivors of Nassar.
In July of 2017, after pleading guilty to child pornography charges, Nassar was sentenced to 60 years in federal prison. On January 24, 2018, Nassar plead guilty to seven instances of sexual assault of minors and was sentenced to 175 years in a Michigan state prison. He was sentenced to an additional 40 to 125 years in prison on February 5, 2018, after pleading guilty to another three counts of sexual assault.
Athlete A
Briefly, I’d like to mention the documentary Athlete A. It goes into details about the Nassar case and how many elite gyms across the US, albeit unknowingly, created an environment that silenced victims and bred abuse.
I reference this documentary a few times throughout my story. Before viewing this film, I thought my experiences were singular to me. Now, I realize that these issues are universal, present in the biggest and smallest of gyms. It’s not just me.
My Response
While I was luckily never a victim of Nassar or any other sexual abuse, I am often asked my opinion about the Larry Nassar case. When Nassar was first sentenced, I was seventeen and still competing regularly. Then, I used to say that I was appalled, angry, and disgusted. He abused almost all of the Olympians and elite gymnasts I’d spent my entire life looking up to. Gabby Douglas, Simone Biles, Ali Raisman, Jordan Wieber, among hundreds of others. I wondered how he got away with this for so long. I wondered how USA Gymnastics sat back and passively watched it unfold.
More than three years later, my opinion has changed. The anger and disgust for Nassar are still present and always will be. But, the more time I spend thinking about the case, the less surprised I am that it happened. I look back on my own experiences. No wonder Nassar got away with everything so easily for so long. This sport breeds toxicity and abuse.
With years of experience, I have an in-depth understanding of gymnastics culture. Even now, almost three years later, it’s difficult to express my thoughts, opinions, and experiences. But, I hope to give a thorough explanation of how Nassar and other predators get away with abusive behavior.
Because they still do. They’re still out there.
How does a sexual predator go two decades undetected?
Pushed Beyond Limits
A common saying in sports is “push it to the limit!”, you hear it all the time. Gymnastics took this very seriously. “Push it to the limit!” is a good saying if you’re running the home stretch of a 400-meter dash. But, you cannot push yourself past your limits every day, all the time. That’s what gymnastics felt like to me.
At seventeen, the peak of my gymnastics career, I practiced for extreme amounts of time. On top of those practices, I played varsity and club soccer and did varsity gymnastics. I also kept decent grades and tried to have a semblance of social life. My days were 18 hours long. I ran on six hours of sleep. I was exhausted.
And my best was still never good enough.
It’s like spending weeks planning, writing, and revising a paper and receiving a zero. I’m very competitive. I constantly strived to be the best. I thought I was doing my best, but my coaches disagreed.
Neither the Olympics nor elite gymnastics were ever on my radar. I would be a college gymnast at best. I’m not. Elite and Olympic gymnasts more than double my practice time. It’s a full-time job. They clock around 45+ hours a week. That’s 45 hours of strength training, conditioning, repetitive routines, and falling thousands of times.
Physically, mentally, and emotionally pushing your body past your limits leaves you vulnerable to abuse. Nassar capitalized on this. Gymnasts were drained when they visited him, beaten down by coaches and injuries. It left them unprotected and defenseless, too tired to fight back.
Body Image
Gymnastics is one of those sports that’s known for creating disordered eating. “Suck in your watermelon stomach!”, was one of my earliest memories of gymnastics. I was five. As gymnasts, we are held to specific body standards and conditioned, mentally and physically, to look a certain way.
Muscular, but not bulky. Thin, but not lanky. Tall, but not that tall.
At eleven, my coach made us write down what we ate every day. We counted our calories. We would do conditioning in heavy sweatshirts and pants, to sweat more and burn more calories. One of my coaches had a saying, “Fat girls don’t flip.” Many of my teammates had eating disorders. On our breaks, our snacks had to be checked, to make sure we were eating enough. But, our coaches would also tap our stomachs so we’d suck them in.
I remember lying about my weight for years. I always weighed more than my teammates. I remember promising myself that I wouldn’t eat for a day, a week, a month. I don’t know if there was a time in my life where I was satisfied with the way I look. I was unhappy at 160 lbs., 135lbs, 100lbs, 85lbs. It’s still something I deal with today.
And yet, another weakness Nassar preyed upon.
Nassar used body image issues and food to create a level of trust with the gymnasts. In the Athlete A documentary, former gymnast and 2000 Olympian, Jamie Dantzscher reports that Nassar would sneak them food and candy during treatments and leave things under their pillows. Nassar knew the system. Olympic coaches scolded and criticized gymnasts about everything from their skills to their body and weight. He groomed girls into trusting him. It’s not like they trusted their coaches.
“I hate this sentence, but I would actually look forward to treatment because Larry was the only nice adult I could remember being a part of the USA Gymnastics staff, he was really the only nice adult there.”
Jamie Dantzcher, Athlete A
Injuries
Gymnasts are always injured. Almost every gymnast has a body part that they continue to injure. Mine was my ankles. I repeatedly broke, twisted, rolled, and sprained them. I was injured at least once a year. But, this doesn’t mean you get to sit out and watch practice. When you’re injured in gymnastics you still come in and practice. When I had a cast on my right ankle, I still came to practice every day and practiced on the bars, and learned how to do skills on my beam without my right leg.
We competed on serious injuries, making them worse. We were too afraid to tell our coaches, to risk a scolding.
I remember at a young age, watching a higher-level gymnast dislocate her knee doing a tumbling pass. My coach told us to leave the room. He popped her knee back into place.
We could still hear her screams.
An excessive amount of injuries requires an excessive amount of care. Elite gymnasts would see Nassar multiple times a day. He molested gymnasts under the disguise of medical treatment. Instead of taking the proper amount of time to heal, Olympic coaches cared more about their gymnasts making it through practice.
Again, elite gymnasts were left unprotected and vulnerable.
Fear
One of the biggest tactics used in gymnastics is fear. If you feared your coaches, you were obedient. We followed the rules. We questioned nothing. We were soldiers. Everything involved fear. Fear of injuring yourself. Fear of falling. Fear of being yelled at. Fear of punishment.
Remember how I played other sports? It’s difficult to manage two sports when one has an intense schedule. I missed gymnastics practices occasionally when I had soccer games. I couldn’t let my team down. I loved playing soccer just as much as gymnastics. My gymnastics coach did not approve. The rest of the week I’d receive the silent treatment.
No “hello”. No “good job.” No “point your toes.” No “you suck”. Nothing.
Mental blocks were a different type of fear. Gymnastics creates an environment where your brain is constantly in a state of “fight-or-flight”. When it’s Olympics season everyone always says, “they make it look so easy!” They do. Behind the perfectly stuck landing and smile are hours upon hours of tears, injuries, and fear. Sometimes your brain physically will not let you do a skill. Sometimes, I’d go to do a skill and freeze. I’d just stand there. I would start to get yelled at. I’d cry.
Former elite gymnast and author of the book “Chalked Up”, Jennifer Sey is also interviewed in Athlete A. She describes the atmosphere created by elite coaches.
“You think you’re hungry and your ankle hurts. You think that you’re working really hard. But you’re screamed at that you’re lazy and fat and there’s nothing wrong with your ankle. So when a man puts his ungloved hand into your vagina, I can only imagine that what you feel is “he’s this great doctor and I’m lucky to be here. I’m not gonna say anything.”
Jennifer Sey, Athlete A
Nassar, well aware of the fear present in young gymnasts, used it to his advantage. He knew the girls were conditioned to be obedient. They wouldn’t question authority. Why would they speak out against him?
Larry Nassar underestimated the power of survivors.
The Good
For all the bad experiences I’ve had, there are an equal amount of good ones. The adrenaline rush. The feeling of accomplishment when you finally land a skill you’ve been working on for a year. Or when you receive a high score on an event you struggled on.
I’d also like to mention all the good coaches in my life. For every bad coach I’ve had, there are at least three good ones. Not only did I receive good advice and coaching from them, but I saw them as second parents who’ve helped me develop as an individual.
Finally, my teammates and friends got me through every single practice. I share the best memories with these girls and I couldn’t be more grateful. I met my best friend through gymnastics. We have stuck together since the age of nine. Twelve years later, we attend the same university and are closer than ever.
How Did Parents, Coaches, and Teammates Let This Happen?
As I mentioned earlier, I wasn’t aware that my experiences were universal. My parents, along with myself, thought that the coaching techniques used were the only way to be a successful gymnast. This way of thinking reflects the opinions of elite gymnasts and parents as well. Everyone was brainwashed into thinking that this is the only way to create successful gymnasts.
USA Gymnastics are the ones at fault for allowing toxic environments like the ones I’ve described to fester.
The Future of USA Gymnastics
This case calls for a complete restructure of USA Gymnastics, as we are already beginning to see. They have repeatedly put the lives of thousands of gymnasts in danger. We caught Larry Nassar. But, that was after two decades. What about the predators that hide in the shadows of our beloved sport? How many more girls have to go through abuse before we see amends?
I’m calling on USAG and gyms across the country. We know what you’ve done. We’re angry. Change your rules. Stop protecting predators. Create a safe environment for gymnasts. Put the safety and health of your athletes above all else.
