Oops…I *@&!#! Up Again
What to do when you make a mistake as an Ally
Being an effective ally is a never-ending process that requires constant self-assessment and awareness. We are going to get something wrong in our allyship journey. No matter how good our intentions are, how much we study anti-oppression works, and how badly we try to be in solidarity with those we wish to ally with, we all miss the mark sometimes. There is no such thing as becoming an “expert” at allyship.
That One Time
One particular instance when I failed to act as an ally still weighs heavily on my conscience. It was during a heated discussion among friends about an issue related to gender equality. One of my closest friends was sharing their experiences of discrimination and the challenges they faced. Instead of actively listening and empathizing, I remained silent. I didn’t speak up to support them or challenge the ignorant comments made by others in the group. My inaction hurt my friend and perpetuated a harmful environment where their feelings were dismissed. I allowed fear of confrontation and discomfort to override my responsibility as an ally, and I deeply regret it.
Reflecting on that moment, I realized how crucial it is to actively stand up for marginalized communities, especially within our circles. Being an ally means not only understanding the issues but also taking action to support and uplift those who are facing discrimination. My failure to do so that day is a powerful reminder of the importance of using my voice and privilege to advocate for equality and justice, even when it feels uncomfortable or challenging. I know firsthand how it feels when no one steps in.
Do Better
So what do we do when we inevitably fudge it up? Presley Prizzo has a few helpful tips that will help get you back on track.
- Center the impacted: “Are you okay?”
- Listen to their response and learn.
- Apologize sincerely for the impact, even though you didn’t intend it: “I’m sorry [for not centering you/your needs].”
- Stop the instance
- Stop the pattern: be careful where you step in the future. When it comes to oppression, we want to increase our awareness to get rid of privilege and oppression.
Recovering When We Get It Wrong…Cause We Will
At the Ally Lab, we practice the art of getting it wrong and learning so that we can correct our mess-ups and get back to working on being effective allies. Making a negative impact on someone can happen to anyone, and taking responsibility for your actions to make amends is a foundational ally action. Here are steps you can take to recover and potentially repair the relationship:
1. Reflect on Your Actions
Take time to think about what you did or said that harmed the person. Understand the reasons behind your actions and how they may have hurt or affected the other person.
2. Acknowledge Your Mistake
Once you’ve identified what you did wrong, it’s crucial to admit your mistake. Approach the person and acknowledge that you recognize the negative impact you had on them. Be sincere in your apology.
3. Apologize Sincerely
Offer a heartfelt apology. Avoid making excuses or blaming others. Take full responsibility for your actions. Use “I” statements to express your regret, such as “I’m sorry for what I did” instead of “I’m sorry if you were offended.”
4. Listen and Understand
Give the person the opportunity to express their feelings and concerns. Listen attentively without interrupting. Understand their perspective and how your actions affected them. Show empathy and compassion.
5. Learn from Your Mistake
Consider what led to your negative impact on the person. Reflect on your behavior and identify ways to avoid making the same mistake. Demonstrate your commitment to personal growth and change.
6. Take Corrective Action
If possible and appropriate, take steps to learn more.
7. Give Them Space
Sometimes, the person may need time and space to process their feelings. Respect their boundaries and don’t pressure them to forgive or forget too quickly.
8. Stay Consistent
Be consistent in your efforts. Show through your actions that you are committed to making things right.
9. Seek Guidance or Mediation
If the situation is complex or if the negative impact is significant, consider involving a neutral third party, such as HR or a counselor to facilitate communication and resolution.
11. Accept the Outcome
It’s essential to accept that not all relationships can be repaired and some wounds may never fully heal. In some cases, the best you can do is learn from the experience and strive to do better in future interactions.
Remember that making amends for a negative impact on someone often requires humility, empathy, and genuine effort to change. Not everyone may be willing to forgive or rebuild trust, but these steps can help you grow and prevent similar mistakes.
While there’s no perfect method for recovering after getting it wrong as an ally, there are several tools and practices that can help strengthen your allyship skills and stay connected to your purpose. Stay tuned with us as we explore these tools together.
