Today is the worst day to start
New beginnings seem so daunting
Waking up tired, 7 AM already? Looking at the to-do list from the night before, there are still a few interview requests to send. Only one response from the last batch. Most of them ignored my messages. I’m not trying to sell anything, I don’t want your money, I just want to talk, I have a project to make. This new batch seems more promising, there’s a sense of optimism, the fear of rejection is gone as the day moves on. And maybe I could even start that daily project… But today is the worst day to do that.
There are many interesting things in this world. Interesting things to create. And they all seem way more interesting than they really are. Flicking through some articles on the tiny breaks between duties, I find many of them saying how they started doing their projects, their daily videos, daily writing and habit change to improve their life. I also try to be consistent with my routine, while looking for a way to start. But what would mean to hit that upload button, that publish button and all the implications a change in habit would bring if you stopped after a week? While compiling the to-do list, the idea of a daily creative habit didn’t seem so crazy or impossible. But the drag from each step of the creative process makes me question myself and the real importance of sharing them to the world. Last night, it seemed like today would be an okay day to do that, but this is one of the worst days to start.
I remember when I started writing daily. I did that intending to share, but froze at the idea of the writing not being perfect or interesting enough. I spent the next days fixing mistakes on the original text, better ways to rephrase it and I was managing to do that. Every time the text was updated, I felt a bit better that no one’d seen the original version but, at the same time, the publish button was getting farther away. In the end, people still haven’t seen it, and I thought it wasn’t a big deal. I lost the timing, and the text is absorbing digital dust as I write these words. Are my thoughts all that valuable for you to miss what I had in mind? Probably not. But are yours any more valid? For some strange reason, the anticipation of something bigger freezes the whole purpose of the process when it comes to others. I love writing, but no one sees me writing, they only see the final result and that’s what is going to be judged. As memories of past failures fill my thoughts, the idea that today is not a good day to start seems more and more valid.
Looking back at all the previous attempts of creative expression, it seems easier to stay in the middle and not care. It’s because I look at others and think “Look at what that guy’s writing. Why’s he sharing that?” Makes me think it’s probably easier to masquerade my thoughts with something funny and superficial while the original thoughts get lost in the moment. In my head, nobody seems to care for any of these things, yet I still think about about what everyone has to say while I don’ t even want to. Even if I could try to convince myself that everything I’m consuming was created by other people no more smarter than me, there is still a virus that prevents the first move. I find comfort on the ideas in my head as I always did in a day to day basis. I even consider trying to create something in the middle of the chaos I’m currently living in. But today is the worst day to start.
Can we take a moment to notice everything we’re postponing only to stay safe in the back of our heads?
But maybe it’s just me. I never met someone with these worries. They only do things, usually only one. Perhaps I’m in the wrong for all the things I didn’t publish. Or maybe there is no right or wrong. There is just doing and not doing. And a day is just a day, not worse, nor better than the others.
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