Hitting your late 30s comes with a gift — you now have the privilege of time and experience to blithely ignore the obnoxious comments directed at you and the world’s female population.
Yes, I am 36, unmarried and without children. Yes, I know that welcomes a whole lot of judgments. Trust me, I’ve heard it all before. Do they affect me negatively? Of course. I am human. There is a certain insecurity, a certain loneliness that comes with a lack of validation. Granted, my friends who are wives and mothers suffer the same everyday scrutiny, peppered with casual misogyny — it’s not about one’s place in life. Sometimes, it’s just about living.
But will we sit at home and cry and eat gallons of ice cream? Absolutely not.
We’ll sit at home and watch Netflix and drink wine and eat cheese instead.
Or we’ll organize a solo trip to Macchu Picchu, just because we have the funds and the freedom to do so.
Or perhaps we’ll work on our startups, because giving birth doesn’t necessarily mean becoming a mother to humans — but perhaps to companies, to works of art, to empires.
Or maybe we’ll send sexy Skype messages to long-distance lovers we met in Bali.
We’ll hug our children and put them to bed and inhale their sweet kisses.
Or we’ll bottle-feed our daughters instead of breastfeeding them, because hey, we’re suffering from an infection.
We’ll playfully seduce our husbands and enjoy the freedom of being childless.
Perhaps we’ll stay out all night just to watch the sunrise.
Or perhaps we’ll just keep living, silently rolling our eyes or churning out a witty retort.
The things you say do hurt. And if we were as rude to you as you are to us, you wouldn’t like it either. And articles like this exist because really, the rude comments keep coming.
And so everyone, here is a collective list of ACTUAL THINGS we have heard or read. We’re giving them the gift of anonymity, because their words, no matter how stinging, have strengthened us.
“What? You traveled to New York alone? Are you like, depressed or something?”
-A guy on Tinder.
“Why don’t you two girls get together and talk about men and handbags and shopping or something.”
-A friend’s husband.
“Oh, you travel alone? You’re so brave.”
-Older female friend.
“Oh wow. You got fat.”
-Older family friend, during the funeral of the listener’s mother. Seriously. She just lost her mother and that’s all that person had to say to her.
“We no longer put soccer or basketball as part of our curriculum. They promote competitiveness and aggression, which are not ladylike qualities.”
-On a newsletter from a Catholic private girl’s school.
“Why are you so angry? Are you on your period?”
-Every boyfriend who is now an ex.
“I don’t like Hilary (Clinton). She’s too ambitious.”
-A mother.
“She travels SO much for work. You have to wonder who’s watching her kids.”
-Anonymous commenter on a blog post that criticized a loving, doting mother who happened to be a frequent flyer fashion blogger.
“You should really consider having kids. You’re not getting any younger, and you’re not complete as a woman.”
-50-something male colleague who has four kids with two different women.
“You prioritize your career too much.”
-Well-meaning (?) family friend
“Who’s going to take care of you when you’re older?”
-Childhood friend, married, two children.
“Nobody’s going to want her anymore. She’s damaged goods.”
-Older family friend, directed at a newly-separated mother of two.
“Why aren’t you married yet?/ When are you getting married?”
-Every older family member, ever. Because even though you have a high-powered job, traveled the world, and accomplished so much, you’re still not complete because you’re not married.
“It’s a good thing she’s living abroad. She doesn’t have to face the scrutiny here and people thinking that she’s pathetic.”
-Smug Married Friend, talking about a common acquaintance living in another country. Because really, smug married friend, do you think I’m pathetic?
“It’s her fault (she got raped). She invited the guy to her condo, what does she expect?”
-Twentysomething guy.
“Oh my god. You’re on the shelf.”
-Strange man who, upon hearing a conversation on cheesy weddings, butted in and asked how old the listener was. When she replied that she was in her 30s, he gave that comment, likening her to an old piece of bread that no one wanted.
“Oh, are you here because of your husband?”
-Said to a successful Asian journalist in Europe, whose husband gave up his career to follow her.
Sometimes, however, the most encouraging, loving comment comes from the most unexpected of places. My grandmother reared 7 children, and was about as traditional as grandmothers can be. But she offered the words that I think most women need to hear:
“My goodness. Don’t get married yet. Or do. Do whatever you want, and go wherever your heart takes you. You have so many choices now as a woman. Take advantage of that.”
- Erika
Original article here.
