How Do I Have Sex Right Now*
April 2018
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I just went to a bar in Williamsburg called Freehold (not a specified gay bar) and saw around 20 future IMG models and 50 generally attractive men. Saw as in I stared at them and tracked their movements like an unstoppable robot in West World.
Except, I was very stoppable. I wasn’t even moving. I kind of just stood there.
I think someone ought to invent a device we can all wear or carry around, that allows us to instantly communicate whether or not we’re DTF whenever we pass a stranger. Then, if there’s a match, the device exchanges our contact information.
BRILLIANT right!??? I should be working in tech. Or maybe I should just be doing work in some random guy’s bed. Not sure if this is creative genius or sexual frustration. Probably both.
Anywho, I’m really wondering how people tell if other people are gay. Like, what if all of these attractive men don’t know I’m down? That’s devestating. Potentially the most devastating thing to take place in 2018.
I’ve conjured a couple solutions.
At first I thought, eureka! I’ll get a tatto on my cheek that says “down for the D”. But then I thought about how tattoos last forever and can always be seen.
What if I’m invited to meditate with the Dalai Lama when I’m famous? I do not want the Dalai Lama’s D. Only his wisdom and compassion.
As an alternative, I’ve been looking up necklaces to purchase that say “I’m gay”. Unfortunately, Amazon has a very slim selection — and they all look like they were made by 5th graders.
I don’t. Know anything.
There should be a universal signal all men interested in other men know and exhibit, like how certain species of birds do a weird dance to win over their bird lovers.
Like, maybe some weird handshake or arm flail. We could pucker our lips and jerk our head back and forth 5 times. Anything! Anything to help!
Someone should start a company modeled after LifeAlert called DickAlert, and whenever anyone needs assistance in showing they want another guy’s D, they can simply press their DickAlert necklace and POOF: Someone appears and yells “DAMN CHRISTOPHER YOU REALLY THIRSTY FOR THAT DICK”.
Help. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.
Help. I’m thirsty and I need the D.
*Without using Grindr
