Bro Tempora! Bro Mores!

Bromans Episode 4 Recap

Read last week’s recap here.

I’m watching the fourth episode of Bromans in good company: British Flatmate (BF; so no confusion about what that stands for), British Flatmate’s Friend (BFF; ditto), a friend from my MPhil cohort whom I’ll refer to as Vegan Linguist, and another such friend, Master Bates (I’ll leave this one to your imagination). I’ll attribute guest commentary to them accordingly.

Last time on Bromans, we met yet another new couple that didn’t have to endure the gold bikinis and leather thongs from the first episode: Callum, red-haired and fair-skinned, and Rachel, about as unmemorable as Ellie is memorable. Speaking of Ellie, her beau, Liam, landed on the chopping block along with Jordan, whose touching poem about how much he wants to bang Jade (“Please sit on this prick, I promise you’ll get a good kick”) sadly wasn’t enough for the emperor to spare him. Sort of — the emperor ends up sparing both Liam and Jordan, but not before almost everybody votes for Jordan to stay, leaving us with unbearable tension and a crying Ellie. What now??

What’s now is that Dominus and Doctore aren’t letting Liam and Jordan off the hook that easily, for they’re…going to jail? (“Do you think Jordan got a pity bang?” BF asks. “Pity handjob, maybe,” VL scoffs.) They’re actually going to jail! The cell has straw on the ground and bars and everything. This frees up two spots in training, which Ellie and Jade will take. “Understood?” Doctore asks. “Yes,” the two women say. “Yes Doctore!” he barks. (BF: “I need him to be my personal trainer.”) Ellie looks like she’s been waiting for this moment. Jade says she doesn’t mind spending a day with Doctore “because he’s sexy”— I guess the problem wasn’t her libido after all.

Tom says what we’re all thinking: “[Ellie] will do a better job than Liam anyway, so…” “I love how Tom gives all the big talk now that Liam’s in prison,” a Broman quips. “Well I can’t say it when he’s here, he’d beat me up, he’s massive!” Tom points out.

We’re back in the palaestra-cum-cesspit for the first task of the day: transferring sandbags from one end of the pool to pillars at the other end, two Bromans (and Browomans!) at a time. The wrinkle is that there are only three sandbags, so they’ll have to fight over the third one.

Dino trounces Brandon while our best friend, Snyderesque slo-mo, returns as they’re wrestling in the water. Then Callum, MB’s favorite, beats Glenn. “Victory for Callum means a loss for Glenn!” the narrator astutely observes. Next up are Tom and Tian. “Tom! Sweet Tom!” BF cries, distressed, as they go at it, so I guess Tom’s her favorite. Thankfully, he wins.

Finally, the battle we’ve been waiting for: Ellie (who’d be an “Agrippina,” according to BF) versus Jade. Everybody in our living room is visibly frightened. Jade grabs the last sack first (an important visual detail: Jade is a good head taller than Ellie). Ellie lunges at Jade, choking her and at one point pulling her bikini top down. The sack slips out of Jade’s hands and disappears. Then, in the most exciting moment of the round, Ellie lies low in the water, pretending to search, and as soon as Jade is far enough she makes a run for her pillar with the sack, which she had the entire time. “This is why I’m the boss of the relationship,” Ellie says, victorious. “I get shit done.”

(On a side note, BF is convinced that Liam is in an abusive relationship, and I’m starting to think that she’s right. Maybe he has severe mommy issues. Also, I now suspect that last episode’s “twist” was the result of producers deciding that Ellie is too entertaining to let go of just yet — and they were right! So they probably won’t win, but they’ll be around for a while.)

In the meantime, Jordan and Liam have been in jail for two whole hours. Jade says that she misses Jordan. He feels the same way: “I just want her to come and sit on my face for five minutes,” he says sorrowfully.

The Browomans are in the kitchen, where they belong. They have to prepare “Roman cuisine,” the ingredients for which consist of rabbits the size of cats (fur still on), lambs’ heads (eyes still in), and pigs’ heads (you get the point). VL can’t watch — she takes her head in her hands and asks us to tell her when it’s all over. I can’t stop watching. Does that make me a bad vegetarian?

Cherelle starts hacking away at the lamb without looking (BF is most upset that Cherelle is using the wrong side of the butcher knife to do so). Rachel just goes for it, and Summer is enjoying the ordeal. Their hard work results in pig patties, salad with lamb brains and tongue, and roast rabbit, which they’ll serve to the hungry Bromans. “Is that a lobster?” Tom, poor innocent thing, asks brightly. The burgers go down well, but once Glenn finds out what’s in the salad, he throws up. Nor can he hold it in for Summer’s rabbit, which somebody guesses is a meerkat. Dominus passes judgment (well done) and on the food (no thanks). Their reward is a party at “Club Colosseum,” which is the name of a real (now-defunct) London nightclub!

Oh right, Jordan and Liam. “I’m turning into skin and bones,” Liam, who’s the size of a barn, complains. Ellie, winner of the first challenge, gets a conjugal visit to announce that Liam is free — but not Jordan. Jade starts sobbing at the news. I guess she’s going to be sad about this for a really long time.

(The next scene shows Jade cheerfully dancing away at Club Colosseum.)

Dominus visits Jordan in the middle of the night. He has come with a “little treat”: a preview of his one-man play, I, Dominus. “Hither did I journey, brave across valleys fair…” he reads. “Do you write much yourself?” Jordan says no. (“He does! He writes poetry!” MB points out.) Finally, the emperor takes pity on Jordan and releases him. Jade is overjoyed: “I feel like you came out only for banging.” (“Give him a pity handjob!” BF shouts as they embrace.)

The next day is Summer’s birthday! Is Glenn going to write a poem too? No — he writes a rap (“a kind of poem,” BF comments): “Rome is your home, it’s time to get you alone, maybe back to the bed where I can give you a bone.”

The final task of the episode is wrestling, with each woman oiling up her boyfriend’s opponent. “Should we give them a demonstration, Doctore?” Dominus asks hopefully. Even he’s not resistant to Doctore’s charms. “They did used to do this in ancient Rome, right?” the narrator asks. (Well, sort of.) Dino shouts at Tian, his opponent, “I’m going to chew you out and spit you up!” “I presume he means ‘chew you up and spit you out,’” the narrator supplies. “I’m not in the mood to see testicles,” BF grumbles as they wrestle. Eventually, Dino tosses Tian out of ring.

Next we have Brandon versus Glenn. Although an arduous battle lies before them, I’m sure they feel stronger knowing that their girlfriends believe in them: “Please don’t hurt my baby,” Summer whispers to Brandon as she oils him up. (From today’s soundtrack: Justin Bieber’s “Baby” and Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball.” What?) Brandon starts biting Glenn like he’s Luis Suárez or something, but I guess it works because he wins. Kind of like Luis Suárez.

Then Liam versus Tom. This is a problem, because Liam has lost every challenge thus far and could use a win, but the cardinal rule of Bromans is that Tom always wins. “How does it feel to touch up a real man?” Liam asks Rhiannon as she slathers oil all over his body. “It’s not real though,” she shoots back. And yes, of course Tom wins, because that’s the rule. Finally, Jordan beats Callum in the last round — sorry, MB.

Another running joke in this show is that the emperor appears in every episode but we never see his face because it’s always obscured by a bust or something. BF’s theory is that they’ve played it up so much that he has to be somebody famous, like Eric Bana. So until we find out who the emperor actually is, I will assume that he looks like this:

Don’t disappoint us, ITV2.

Eric Bana decides that banishment boils down to Tian or Glenn (Liam is forced to stay again). My friends are sad about this, because Glenn+Summer have grown on them. Or, as BF calls them, “Glummer.” “Not Senn?” MB asks. “Not catchy enough,” she replies.

The vote results in a split decision! How exciting. Apparently this means that Eric Bana’s word, which is written on a scroll, is final, and the scroll reveals Tian’s name on it. Tian’s banner goes up in flames.

Okay, I usually don’t comment on the previews but I think I have a moral obligation to tell you that we’ll meet another new couple next week. And the woman has blue hair. Who are they? Is she a blue-haired feminist here to educate everyone? Find out by reading my next recap!

Yung In Chae actually enjoyed herself this time.