Brogito Ergo Sum

Bromans Episode 6 Recap

Read last week’s recap here.

Previously on Bromans: Chet and Helen set the record for shortest time on the show, but not before they got into not one but two physical altercations: Helen grabbed Nicola’s hair — bringing an old hair-raising (heh) feud full circle —and then Callum charged at Chet after calling Helen a “sket,” a new word I learned! Chelen thus lost the privilege of carting sandbags and women across the cesspit, a challenge that Dino won with Liam close behind. Liam and Ellie were nevertheless sent packing, to Ellie’s fury and Liam’s (I’m guessing) relief.

Despite the fact that people barely wear any clothing on this show, Episode 6 opens with talk of laundry. Dominus announces that they need detergent, for which ancient Romans harnessed “the cleaning power of the body.” (Read: urine — which is actually historically accurate for once! I guess they do care about educating the masses after all.) The smell of everybody’s piss triggers Glenn’s weak stomach, and the smell of Glenn’s piss makes his girlfriend cry. (What has he been eating? Haven’t they all been eating the same things?)

But hit the pause button on the laundry for a minute, because it’s time for the first task. Two Bromans are blindfolded and placed on opposite sides of a ring in the middle of the Colosseum with a set of bells between their legs (??). Relying solely on their sense of hearing, they must find their opponent and toss them out of the ring using those giant Q-tips that we know and love. First up are Brandon and Callum, similar-looking to me as is and with the headgear on virtually indistinguishable. This task is hilarious to watch: they start out quietly crawling around the ring like caterpillars, trying not to make a sound, until of course they do and start fighting. Then Brandon drops his Q-tip and loses because he places his hand outside the ring while looking for it. Boo.

Next up are Jordan and Glenn. Glenn’s master plan is to locate Jordan’s big belly and whack it. (The camera pans to their girlfriends, who are comparing their partners to Dumb and Dumber, Ant and Deck. “They’re entertainment for everybody else,” according to Summer, who’s not even pretending to believe in Glenn at this point.) Clearly the key to winning this challenge is not to lose the Q-tip, which Jordan does not do and then tries to steal Glenn’s. He manages to push Glenn out of the ring. Glenn angrily says that this is “dirty cheating.” (Meanwhile, Jade and Summer marvel at their strong bromance.)

This leaves the battle of the superstars: Tom and Dino. “He’s full of shit, so I should be able to smell that coming from him,” Tom says of his adversary. This proves to be unnecessary as Dino accidentally steps out of the ring. (It’s not your fault Dino! The cardinal rule of Bromans is that Tom always wins!) Now Dino is as mad at Tom, whom he calls a “snake,” as Glenn is at Jordan. Welp.

Back to the launderette! This is just what we need to dissipate the tension: a task that divides the Bropeople into two teams and makes them wash the emperor’s (and Dominus’) clothes in the piss that they collected earlier, with a romantic dinner for two up for grabs. On one side we have Tom and Rhiannon, Glenn and Summer, and Callum and Rachel. On the other side: Brandon and Nicola, Dino and Cherelle, and Jordan and Jade, who are very concerned with the clarity of the piss — some of which is greenish.

Glenn says that the ancient Romans were disgusting. “The fact that they even did this back in the day…and they probably enjoyed it!” Jordan detects a bit of “jizz” in the sheet that he’s washing. “I think the emperor’s been shagging!” (Well, at least someone is, right Jordan?) Then Glenn and Callum start a piss fight that their entire team is quickly dragged into, giving the others a chance to get ahead. (“I’ve just cleaned your skids, Dominus!” Jade shouts.) The overall winners are Dino and Cherelle, so at least Dino beat Tom at something today. Their dinner includes a wine called — wait for it — Côtes du Rome.

Dino and Cherelle’s absence gives everyone else the chance to bitch about them behind their backs. Tom says he doesn’t trust Dino because he’s so competitive that he’d drop any of them. (Wait, isn’t that the point of the competition?) The next morning, Tom, Rhiannon, Jordan, and Jade agree to send Dino home if he’s in the bottom two (like that’s ever happened) not realizing that Cherelle is in a hammock nearby — until they do. Whoops.

We’re back at the cesspit! For today’s challenge, the Browomans will be suspended over the cesspit, two by two, via some crane-like contraption and a rope that the Bromans must hold on to for as long as possible — if they let go, the girls crash into the dirty water. The Broman who holds on for longer wins. First up are Glenn and Brandon. Summer, who really has zero faith in Glenn, says, “This is like, my life’s lowest point.” And indeed, Glenn lets go first.

Next up are Callum and Tom, the “unbeaten Broman” according to the narrator. (That’s not technically true since Tom has lost — or not won — some of the group challenges, but I guess admitting that would be against the rule that Tom always wins.) Tom tries to play mind games with Callum by yelling things like “You’re pale!” “Your hair is terrible!” (“Doctore, I want one to fall in the water,” Dominus whines.) But then Tom loses? What? That can’t be right.

Finally Jordan and Dino, which should be interesting given the events of this morning. Cherelle has neither forgotten nor forgiven, and taunts him from the air. She is relentless, while Jordan clearly needs to work on his trash talk: “Do you like water?” is the best he can come up with. (Come on.) Well, Cherelle’s tactic works, because Jordan eventually slips and Jade falls into the water.

(From today’s soundtrack: Britney Spears’ “Stronger.”)

The bottom two are Glenn and Jordan, but Doctore wants everyone to know that he’s proud of them. (What’s gotten into him?) Voting has changed (!), and they now vote couple-by-couple instead of all at once and have to give a rationale. Dino and Cherelle stand behind Glummer and say, honestly, that this is because Jordan wanted to send Dino home. Brandon and Nicola choose Jordan and Jade and say, I suspect dishonestly, that it’s because Glenn has been in the bottom two three times while Jordan has only been there twice. (I mean, I guess that’s true, but who cares? At this point you should think strategically and keep the weakling: Glenn.) Tom and Rhiannon also pick Jordan and give the same (dishonest) rationale. Finally, Callum and Rachel move toward Jordan, which means that Glenn and Summer must go home.

I can’t say I’m surprised — Glenn has performed pretty poorly for a long time — but I am a bit sad to see the end of Glummer. Summer isn’t, she’s just happy that Glenn won’t continue to be beaten up by the big boys. And so the journey to the emperor’s games goes on, but I think we can all agree that from now on it’s going to be #GlummerWithoutGlummer.

Yung In Chae is #GlummerWithoutGlummer.