Broituri Te Salutant
Bromans Season Finale Recap
Read last week’s recap here.
Friends, Bromans, countrypeople, lend me your ears. After seven episodes of gold bikinis, giant Q-tips, historical liberties, really questionable expressions of masculinity, and lots of naked, we are finally at the end of the road (which will inevitably lead to Rome, as all roads allegedly do). Tonight the final four Bromans — Tom, Dino, Jordan, and Brandon — will compete in the Emperor’s Games for the glory of becoming the “Ultimate Broman” and £10,000. Since unlike the Great British Bake Off, the prize isn’t just a plate! How about that.
The last episode of Bromans — possibly ever, I don’t know if ITV2 is going to renew this show for another season to be honest — opens with a…quote? “Without training, they lacked knowledge. Without knowledge, they lacked confidence. Without confidence they lacked victory.” (Huh, why no comma for the last clause? That’s not important is it?) It’s by “Julius Caesar (Emperor of Rome),” they inform us, which is a funny way of spelling “dictator.” Also, it’s a fake Caesar quote, one possibly made up by footballer Vince Lombardi. Then we get a real quote: “I’ve had grapes on me tits, grapes on me fanny, grapes on me arse.” -Summer (Glenn’s girlfriend). And to think that I was worried that the finale wouldn’t live up to the preceding episodes. Ha! Ha!
Honestly, I don’t know why they’re bothering with a finale, since the cardinal rule of Bromans is that Tom always wins. Anyway, Doctore wants to give the boys gifts for making it to the fake finale: armor. (Their girlfriends are really proud of them. “We should be kissing their arses,” Nicola says, feministly.)
But they have to return to the cesspit for one last training sesh — except this time, the Browomans will fight, for the chance to pick their boyfriend’s first opponent in the games. It’s the same challenge that Ellie beat Jade in a while back (with a nip slip) — the first one to get two sacks (out of three) to her pillar wins. Cherelle beats Jade, then Rhiannon — after a nearly fifteen-minute deadlock — beats Nicola. Finally, Thigh Gap Cherelle beats the exhausted Rhiannon with no trouble at all, and she chooses Brandon to face off Dino.
Of course, there’s one last chance to experience real Roman culture. Cherelle reads off a scroll that “here in Rome, the phallus is believed to bring with it great fortune and protection.” So the Bromans will be making their own “very personalized good luck charms,” which initially elicits a round of “aww”s and “how lovely”s because nobody except Dino knows what a phallus is. Yes, that’s right — the Bromans have to make molds of their dicks. Yes, that entails them dunking their dicks in a flower pot of plaster. Yes, they’re broadcasting this.
Jordan reveals his good luck charm, then Tom, and it’s all well and good until this point. But does anyone remember that conversation Brandon and “Girthy Glenn” had a while back about Brandon’s massive penis? Well, let’s just say that when Brandon pulls his thing out (the mold, I mean), the group starts screaming. (“I touched the bottom of the pot,” Brandon tells us proudly. “I mean, that’s a fucking big achievement.”) Then Dino — poor, poor Dino — has to reveal his, and in the words of Cherelle: “That is quite embarrassing.” Or Jade, who quips that he’s probably had bigger shits. Or Brandon, who picks up a tiny piece of sausage at dinner and says, “Hey Dino, your willy ended in my plate.” Looks like Dino has some serious overcompensating to do tomorrow…
Emperor’s Games! As it turns out, the Emperor is not Eric Bana (sob). But there is a twist! He’s played by actor Martin Kemp, who’s on this show called EastEnders (British Flatmate was horrified to discover that I’ve never seen it), and more crucially, he’s the father of the narrator, Roman Kemp! Isn’t that sweet? “Dad? What are you doing? What did Mum think of this?” Roman yelps as the Emperor appears. The lengths that parents will go to in order to bond with their children. “Is he from EastEnders?” Nicola asks Dominus.
The Bromans have to give little speeches, like actual gladiators, or at least the movie Gladiator. “I’m the smallest lad left, but the one with the biggest heart, and the biggest dick,” Brandon says, which earns a standing ovation from the spectators in the arena. “In fairness it’s quite a good dick,” Dominus whispers to the Emperor, who looks unimpressed. “Hello, you sexy Romans!” Jordan begins his speech. “That includes you, Emperor!” The Emperor still looks unimpressed. “I think he’s from the…North,” Dominus says apologetically.
The writers have officially run out of ideas, as the first round is a challenge we’ve seen before: trying to force your opponent out of a ring with giant Q-tips (I’m going to miss those) while wearing bells. First up are Tom and Jordan. “I’ve got massive respect for him, he’s got a lot of heart,” Tom says of his opponent, and Jordan returns the favor: “I’m up against that posh twat first.” Not the smartest move, because Tom knocks him to the ground and basically beats the shit out of him twice. Then we have Brandon and Dino. Brandon wins, but Dino still advances by beating Jordan in the last round.
Round 2! A version of the challenge we just saw in the cesspit: the top three Bromans must bring three sandbags each back to their respective pillars, but there are only eight sandbags total and two of them are buried. The Broman who fails to procure a third sandbag will not advance to the final round. (As they’re digging around, Dominus whispers to the Emperor, “The gold pants were my idea.” “I thought so,” the Emperor replies.) Dino unearths the first buried sandbag and, after some struggle, gets it to a pillar. That leaves Tom and Brandon to battle it out, and Brandon finds the second buried sandbag first, but of course Tom manages to take it from him and throw it on a pillar.
So, to absolutely nobody’s surprise, Tom and Dino are the two finalists. I find the final challenge is a bit anticlimactic: they have to wrestle and remove the anklet that their opponent is wearing, run up a little slide thing on their side of the arena, and ring a bell. The first one to do so wins. We get some slo-mo wrestling with dramatic music in the background, then Tom grabs Dino’s anklet and races for his slide as Dino tries to stop him. Tom rings the bell! Tom is the Ultimate Broman! Which makes sense, because the cardinal rule of Bromans is that Tom always wins, and the final round is no exception. Yay!
“You have proven to me that you’re the man I’m going to marry,” Rhiannon says as she rushes into the arena and kisses Tom. I guess the real prize of any chauvinistic display of strength has to be a girl. (By the way, what happened to her date with Doctore?) The citizens of Rome — all fifty of them — cheer.
There you have it folks: Bromans. I want to end by thanking everyone who’s been reading (if anyone’s still reading) for joining me on this wild and unexpected ride. I don’t know about you, but it’s been a lot of fun for me.
Yung In Chae doesn’t know what to do with her life now.