Cui Brono?

Bromans Episode 7 Recap

Read last week’s recap here.

Previously on Bromans: the Bropeople aired out their dirty laundry, literally and figuratively. That is, they washed the emperor’s old clothes the Roman way — with urine! — and bitched about each other incessantly. Seriously. Glenn bitched about Jordan, Jordan bitched about Dino, Tom bitched about Dino, Dino bitched about Tom and Jordan. (Huh, I guess Dino is the main problem?) After fighting blindfolded with giant Q-tips and seeing who could dangle their girlfriend over the cesspit the longest, the Bropeople banished Glenn and Summer over Jordan and Jade. #GlummerWithoutGlummer.

Tensions are high because this is the last episode before the emperor’s games, which makes it the penultimate episode of the season! Can you believe it? We open with Doctore and Dominus doing this cute bit where Dominus pretends he wants to take over training (“Hey, is that good enough? Don’t think so! Get up, or have a little rest and then get up!”) and Doctore pretends to consider it. In the end, “man-mountain” (the narrator’s words, not mine) Doctore remains in charge of training, much to my disappointment. Honestly, the fitness center again? They’re running out of ideas, so good thing we’re nearing the end.

(Weird development in this episode: they’ve started bleeping out the swear words, which is kind of hilarious when you consider all the stuff that we’ve had to see and hear thus far. Penises, discussion of penises, poems about penises…maybe someone complained that airing “fuck” is inappropriate.)

Anyway, we’re back at the second-rate fitness center, hopefully for the last time. Doctore is not easing up. “If you want a drink of water, go and die outside of my arena!” he hollers. Did he really say “die”? Maybe he meant to say “drink”? Nah, he probably meant to say die. Meanwhile, Jade comes crying to Cherelle and they make up after last week’s bitch-fest. However, Nicola is unimpressed. “Cherelle is always going to defend Dino,” she says, as if this were an unreasonable thing for a girlfriend to do for her boyfriend.

In the Colosseum, Doctore gives the Bromans a new task: carrying a sandbag across the arena while squatting. Dino does not squat enough for the other Bromans’ liking, so they bitch about him some more. Tom slides across the sand like he’s a lizard or something. Then they have to hop over boxes. Dino again does not hop to the Bromans’ liking, so they bitch about him even more. “I’m a 6'1” guy,” Dino defends himself, a strange defense because Jordan is clearly taller. But height doesn’t matter, because Jordan — who was very vocal about Dino being a cheater — grabs one of the boxes while jumping. In the end, Tom wins, because the cardinal rule of Bromans is that Tom always wins.

Perhaps taking a cue from Cherelle and Jade, Doctore forces Dino and Jordan to make up. Does that mean nobody’s going to squabble anymore? Sadness. “Me and Dino have patched it up, he’s still as boring as ever but he’s a lovely kid,” Jordan tells us. (Wait, since when was Dino being boring the problem? Since when does he think he’s a lovely kid? Go back to fighting, please.)

Thigh Gap Cherelle seems to be taking over the hole left by Ellie, because she asks Dino whether he won and, when he admits that he didn’t (he claims he doesn’t know why Tom won, as if that’s not the rule), she accuses him of not giving it his all. “It must be so hard spending the morning doing BLEEP all,” Dino snipes back. (Wow, I wonder what word he actually used??) I imagine this is not unlike some marital fights that take place every day in the suburbs.

Okay, it turns out the Browomans’ daunting task of the day is to relax in a spa, so maybe Dino isn’t totally off the mark. “They’d probably love Doctore to drill them,” Jordan says. “I know Jade would.” (Well Jordan, at least she wants someone to drill her.) He’s also not totally off the mark, because right then in the spa Nicola is expressing disappointment that their task isn’t to massage Doctore. (Poor man, always so objectified, can never catch a break.)

“I think he’s the fittest man I’ve ever seen,” Jade says — I assume that’s both the British and American meaning of “fit.” Dino says that he’s worried because the first time Cherelle laid eyes on Doctore he could tell that she wanted to “gang him up on both sides,” whatever that means. (“Oh my god, if his chest is that big, imagine what else is big,” Cherelle gushes.) Jade asks the group whether anyone would trade in their boyfriend for Doctore if they could, and Rachel doesn’t even hesitate. “I think he’s got me on looks, strength, and charisma, but deep down I think I’ve got a better personality,” Tom declares. “I think Rhiannon’s not going to have any wandering eyes.” Does Rhiannon agree? “I would genuinely let [Doctore] smash my backdoors in,” she’s telling the girls at that moment. Welp. So much for Tom’s superior personality.

The Bromans join their girlfriends at the spa for some pampering. In what is possibly the most explicit scene in this show so far, Cherelle removes Jordan’s pubic hair (at his request, by the way). This process involves Cherelle wiping Jordan’s butt clean, reaching in with a pair of tweezers, and rubbing butter in the crack. Appropriately, from today’s soundtrack: Kelly Clarkson’s Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You). Cherelle then plucks Dino’s armpit hair. “I ain’t got no bum hair,” Brandon says and asks Cherelle to do his “snail trail” — which I made the mistake of looking up on Urban Dictionary. As Rachel and Rhiannon give the lads facials, we see the appearance of what looks like a strigil! Jade and Nicola give Tom a massage using a pestle, which at one point disappears into Tom’s nether regions just as he gives a shout. Where did they shove it??

After all that, everyone wins an evening at Club Colosseum because we’re living in the participation trophy era. Jordan devises an evil plan: he won’t drink, will in fact work the bar to get everybody else drunk, and wake up daisy fresh in the morning for training. Callum, especially, gets very drunk and does many drunk person things: giggles disturbingly, dances horribly, grabs his own nipples, etc. And of course, fights with his girlfriend. Callum calls Rachel a “f****** dick” and “tramp” and says that he hates her. She says he’s a “prick” and then cries for what she claims is the first time since she was ten.

On a side note, I — along with the people on this show — was sure that Callum is a ginger. But now he’s suddenly very blond? I guess all that time in the sun has changed him. But how will the Bromans make ginger jokes now? What, do they have to respect him regardless of his hair color? This is bullshit.

Beard’s still ginger though.

(Also from today’s soundtrack: Lana Del Rey’s “Young and Beautiful.”)

On the final day of training (before the emperor’s games), the Bromans must do…the same challenge as the first episode? If you recall, many weeks ago the Browoman had to load rocks onto a cart, which the Broman pulled down an alley before going back and pulling his girlfriend down the alley. They’re out of ideas — or trying to be poetic. “Let’s see how far they’ve come.” Riiiiight.

Doctore must also sense that repeat challenges are boring, because he proposes to make things interesting: if Tom loses (Tom won this challenge the last time, because that’s the rule), Doctore gets to take Rhiannon out on a date. “Which means that Tom might be free for an evening,” Dominus notes happily. Given Rhiannon’s previous comment about backdoors, this seems like the kind of wager that could make everybody involved happy. Unfortunately, or fortunately, Tom and Rhiannon come in second to Dino and Cherelle. Then Jordan and Jade, Callum and Rachel, and Brandon and Nicola dead last.

Nicola is unhappy about their poor performance: “It’s like a kick in the balls…I don’t have balls, but what I’d imagine it to be like.” Indeed, the emperor — whom we are this close to meeting — decides that Brandon and Callum are up for banishment. (Callum’s had a rough episode.) Callum tries reverse psychology, telling the Bromans that they should go with their heart even if their heart doesn’t say him. It doesn’t work — they all go for Brandon.

So there you have it. The top four, the ones who will make it to the emperor’s games in the season finale. I’ll see you next time for the last Bromans recap!

Yung In Chae sees the light at the end of the tunnel.