Myths for the Misandrist
A Reading List for the Malicious Mocking of Manly Misfortune
Disclaimer: this article is satirical, which is Latin for “full of it,” so don’t take anything here too seriously. And definitely don’t take anything here as a suggestion. I’m legally obligated to not say “wink,” so … end of disclaimer.
Are you fed up with all these misogynists who are into classics these days? You’re not alone! I too am sick and tired of those men’s righters getting all the credit for mining the classical canon for evidence of gendered misbehavior. Everywhere you look they’re all “Juvenal 6 this” and “Helen the dog-faced bitch that” but I’m here to let you know that there is plenty of misandrist fodder in classical literature, too, if you just know where to look. So in the name of equality or something, I hereby present a reading list of Greco-Roman myths that are sure to warm any misandrist’s cold cold heart.
And don’t think that this list is only for man-haters, though! Say you absolutely love men but you’ve got one that annoys you ever so slightly sometimes by yawning with his mouth open or systematically discriminating against women or some other of those annoying little habits men can develop. Ever heard of catharsis? It’s a term Aristotle invented to describe the emotional purging that comes from art (or “art,” in the case of this article, ahem). So, rather than trying to navigate the squall of a man’s deep emotions when confronted with the ways in which he sucks, avoid a mantrum and just resorb your feelings with a smile—make sure he sees the smile, men love smiles—and then later just ever so gently release your anger by reading this article during your secret reading time (because men hate women reading too much almost as much as they hate women not smiling enough).
And if you’re a man and you’ve read this far — keep reading! If anything, I don’t want you to feel hurt or excluded from all the attention everyone else has been getting in this regard. I’m sure you’ll even chuckle a bit because you know what everyone says about men being able to take a joke, right?
Anaxarete: such a stony heart that after her stalker incel would-be lover dies on her doorstep she makes fun of his funeral. Aphrodite makes her body match her heart by turning her into a stone statue. Worth it.
Amazons: male-free society of fierce warrior princesses.
Lemnian Women: same, but with less warrior princess-ing and more just “murder all the men in their sleep”-ing.
Circe: Turns all men into pigs and though Homer doesn’t specify I like to think she ate one of them.
Daphne: would rather be a tree.
Actaeon: why murder a man when you can turn him into a deer and get his own dogs to rip him to pieces.
Pentheus: you know that saying? If you want something done right, rip a man to pieces yourself? This is where that saying comes from.
Orpheus: dismembered because he disrespected the gods. Or was it because of the unsolicited song recitals?
Danaids: killed all their husbands on their wedding night. So hardcore.
Pandora: a bane to all men. Cool.
Gaia and Rhea: very very good at hatching castration plots.
Lysistrata: anti-men or anti-war? Why not both?
Medea: to the pain!
Tereus, Procne, and Philomela: rapist gets his just desserts (and other courses).
Clytemnestra: takes a lover, murders another.
Magna Mater: demands her worship come in the ecstatic self-castration form. Names her priests “cocks,” but only because “cucks” hadn’t been invented yet.
Misandry not your thing? Don’t worry, there’s still enough hate to go around! Here are some suggestions to get you started.
Myths for the Misogynist
Literally everything else. Plus also all of the above probably.
Myths for the Misanthrope
Hesiod’s Ages of Man: make humanity great again.
Myths for the Misogamist
Danaids, Antigone, Persephone, Medea, Agamemnon
Myths for the Misotheist
Mezentius, Prometheus, Polyphemus
Myths for the Xenophobe
Bacchae, Aeneas, Jason
Do you prefer to make love, not hate? Classics is still for you, my friend:
Myths for the Philanthrope
You also get all of the above, but you just have to read these myths without the ability to recognize or validate the pain of others less fortunate than you. Shouldn’t be hard.
Myths for the Philanthropist
Myths for the Anthropophagophile
Erysichthon, Laestrygonians, Cyclops, Thyestes, Tereus, Tantalus, Lycaon, Cronus.
Myths for the Therophile
Europa, Leda, Pasiphae, most of Ovid honestly
Myths for the Melissaphile
Aristaeus, Mellona, Thriae
Myths for the Entomophile
Tithonus, Io, Eunomos, Myrmidons, Arachne*
Myths for the Coprophile
Phineas, Sterquilinus, Eirene
Sarah Scullin doesn’t hate all men, just the ones who #NotAllMen her.