Ode of a Classicist-Craftsman-Poet (Who Also Wants to Do a Trump Comparison)

A Fake Poem in Five Stanzas

Backstory: On Tuesday, as we were discussing publishing more furniture pieces, I joked to Donna that one day we might receive a pitch for a poem about Classics and craftsmanship with a Donald Trump angle and, just to drive my point home, improvised a verse using “chair” and “fake hair.” (Don’t ask, our humor doesn’t always make sense.)

“Now I’m genuinely curious how far you’ll take this,” Donna made the grave mistake of saying.

An hour later she discovered the answer: FAR.

I think there may be something here about trying to compare stuff when you don’t actually have a point you want to make, which I’ve publicly declared that I don’t like. But that would require thinking some more, and I don’t want to do that right now. I’m just going to dive straight into subjecting you to my mediocre creative soul, with apologies to anyone out there who writes real poetry. (I really appreciate everything you do!)

So, here we go.

Ahem!

Vincent van Gogh, “Chair And Sketch Of A Hand

Ode of a Classicist-Craftsman-Poet (Who Also Wants to Do a Trump Comparison)

by Yung In Chae

Dedicated to Donna Zuckerberg, Editor-in-Chief Extraordinaire

Oh wonderful chair
I of the clearly fake hair
Look upon my work, ye Mighty
and despair of the marble-whitey
faces of my voters
the movers and promoters
of racism and misogyny
I talked to Farage and he
couldn’t agree with me more
We’re at the White House’s door

Until Nigel went back on his word
Can’t stick to anything, little turd
But he speaks his mind, unlike Paul Ryan
Fearless leader? I told you he was lyin’
Then all those bitter women joined in
Like I’d touch her, she’s not even thin
Sure that’s not nice, but the main thing’s
that her body’s like the women in classical paintings
Media, stop inventing what’s wrong with us
If I wanted fake stories, I’d read Herodotus
It was a joke, albeit at women’s expense
Think that’s wrong? Well, fuck you, Mike Pence
This is where you finally decide I’ve crossed a line?
As for those women, they’re crying Sabine

But my chair, darling chair! You are truly art
Untaxable, even — that makes me smart
The only one who really understands
After all, I made you with my own two hands
My hands, you should know, are not at all small though
(And that, my friends, is what we call innuendo)
I’m a man’s man, that there’s no disputin’
Manlier than my main man Vladimir Putin
Once you see my wall, you’ll be calling me Hadrian
I’d beat anyone in all the fucking Mediterranean
Yeah I like to brag, you could call it a bad habit
The cat’s out of the bag, that’s when you grab it

My chair, I love your curved back, your cunning seat
King of kings shall grovel at your feet
You can make any chair when you’re a star
Nothing is thought to be going too far
But you’re a real beaut, and I’m real picky
I saw you and thought, veni vidi vici
You would not be out of place on Ozymandias’ tomb
So what do you say we take this to the locker room?
Follow me, and good times will be had
Think that’s un-PC? All I’ll say is: Sad!

You’d be crowned best chair ever, it’d happen in a jiff
if only the election weren’t rigged (sniff)
If I had my way, I’d jail Crooked Hillary
My supporters would help me like a Roman auxiliary
I’m tellin’ ya, there’ll be trouble if I don’t win bigly
A situation so sticky, it’ll be like stepping in Wrigley
I mean what I say, that’s why they call me The Donald
You saw what I did to poor Rosie O’Donnell
I say this, chair: your majesty on Election Day we’ll see
and great again shall America be.

Fin

*curtsies*

*exits to thunderous applause*

Yung In Chae edits Eidolon, nothing more than an idle pawn. And studies Classics at Cambridge, blah blah blah blah blah blah lame fridge.