Accepting My Demons

By: Anonymous Author

I make the choice every day to rise up from my bed and persevere to see the whole day through.

Content warning: bipolar disorder, hospitalization, and medication

Photo of lit candles from Flickr

As a Latina diagnosed with bipolar disorder at a young age, there was no one in my family or anyone I knew with mental illness. It was hard for my family to grasp. They kicked me out of the house at 19. I was left on the cold streets with no support. I moved in with some people I barely even knew. It didn’t last and I was soon thrown into the world of homelessness and repeated hospitalization which lasted for years.

It was hard not having a family support or friends. I made many bad decisions. I used drugs to numb the pain away. I didn’t believe in the medication doctors gave me. I tried to keep my faith in God.

After years of being on and off medication and enduring the hard effects of drugs, my life was even messier. I was stuck between feeling suppressed and controlled by someone I didn’t like on medication. The latter was being overly expressive, manic, and sometimes aggressive without my medicine. I was stuck between two hard places — between someone, I didn’t like and someone I couldn’t control. The more I lasted without medication, the more wild and uncontrollable I became.

This all came crashing down when I was arrested. Sitting in jail forced me to confront my life choices. I knew this was not the life I wanted to live. It was hard to accept that I needed to be on medication for the rest of my life in order to treat my bipolar. It was literally a hard pill to swallow, but in the end, that’s what saved me!

The staff in the hospitals said I would never make it on my own. Here I am — beating the odds and taking care of myself. I even take care of my family of my own.

I have my bad days like everyone else but I continue to take my medication. I make the choice every day to rise up from my bed and persevere to see the whole day through.

This may seem like a sad story but I’m alive! I’m still here! I overcome every day and each day feels like a victory. I needed to believe in the medication I was taking. Believing in God’s grace and mercy has given me so many blessings and second chances.

You can use our site if-me.org to share with loved ones your mental health experiences and plan out strategies to tackle them. We’re an open source organization run by volunteers.