Understand me in the continuum: an open letter to my ex-BFF
By: Toshita Pandey
Somewhere along the road, we were parting ways. Maybe we parted for good.
Content warning: borderline personality disorder
My dear ex-best friend,
It has been over a decade since we last laughed our hearts out about silly things. Sometimes I knowingly or unknowingly replay those small moments in my head to keep myself calm. Sometimes I hate your guts and want to draw a dagger through you. But mostly, I cherish what we shared in a sacred place in my heart.
I still remember us on your terrace; you were shooing everyone away so we could have some private time to talk and giggle about our then boyfriends, and share the smallest of the things that mattered the world to us. You showed me this new watch with multiple straps that had just arrived from Mumbai gifted by your beloved. You flaunted it as if it were a diamond ring and I praised it like he brought the moon to your feet. We were so naïve back then!
Remember when we went on that school trip and you said you wanted to share the same bunk so that we could share our little secrets? You were telling me about a family friend who teases you, but I was trying to get a glimpse of my then love. It makes me still smile thinking about how you were concerned that I was not paying attention to your words because my eyes were roaming away. In a desperate attempt to sit beside each other, we made a classmate cry. Were we a bit evil, too? But how cute and inseparable of us! No?
Remember when you came to my place and we went to take a look at your crush’s place? And maybe get a peek of him? You didn’t even eat anything, you just had to see where he lived.
Remember the letter you wrote when we couldn’t meet for the summer break and you poured out all your feelings on a piece of paper? I loved the poem you wrote at the end. I still have that paper with me. Safe and sound. Honestly, I read it sometimes when I feel very lonely, it gives me solace.
Dear BFF, while all these memories were being curated in our lives, something else was also happening. Somewhere along the road, we were parting ways. Maybe we parted for good. But did you ever really ponder why or how this happened or if it was meant to be? I have heard your side of the story from all sorts of people blaming me for leaving you without reason, not turning back and not even caring enough to check-in once. But today let me tell you my story, because my love, you understood me, and you understood me well. Perhaps you took me for granted. But that’s how human emotions work. You understood me in spikes and I needed someone who could understand me in the continuum.
10 years ago, as you know, I fell in love and it ended up crushing me. In the end, our friendship suffered too. Gradually, we broke up and I ended up in innumerable rebound relationships. Initially, you were there but not to understand me, instead to scold me for hurting people and for breaking up with them. Maybe you were right? Or maybe not? I was becoming devastated day by day and week by week. I was a wreck that even you could not understand. I was hurting myself more than anyone else.
How can I expect you to understand me now just because you are an adult? Sometimes I even wonder if it was you or me. After all, you could have reached out to me until I reached back… Didn’t our friendship matter more than each of our individual sides? Wasn’t our friendship the friendship that was inseparable?
These idealizations consumed me. My dear love, I have borderline personality disorder (BPD), or as they say, “borderline”. You might not have heard of it. People with BPD struggle with idealizing and devaluing people. I idealized you as a best friend and thought of you as the best friend. I could never imagine someone else playing that role for me. I loved you so much. Everything you did that hurt me felt like I was being cut by shattered glass, making me blue and bleed from every part of my heart. Even the most minor thing like not telling me when you came to my town caused a lot of pain for me… Talking to people I used to hate or envy bothered me too.
First I idealized you and after that, I devalued you (not knowingly, I promise) and hence lost you. But if it gives you any reassurance, you were not the only one who was devalued. All of my exes, my friends, my colleagues, and even my family became distant to me. I didn’t want to lose you. Losing you was not in my complete control. There were two personalities fighting within. One of them wanted to keep you so close that you could be just mine and the other wanted to let go of you because you couldn’t meet every minute expectation I had of you.
So my dear BFF, I always loved you and always will. But the darkest side of me did not and still doesn’t.
I end this letter on the note that I hoped and still hope that when someone is there for someone else it’s long-term in the continuum rather than short-term in spikes.
My love, I wish you could be there for me continuously. Leaving me for just a moment causes me havoc. I hope one day you’ll be there for me again and support me as I deal with my borderline personality. Most importantly, I hope we could be there for each other.
Yours or maybe not,
A Borderline
