Borderline Personality Disorder is not Attention Seeking: Living with BPD
By: Felicia Sephodi
The thing with borderline is that there are no grey areas — things aren’t strictly black or white.
Content warning: borderline personality disorder (BPD), suicidal ideation, depression, medication.
On a random morning, I’m feeling like a hyper-maniac. There’s this sudden burst of excitement rushing throughout my body. My creative juices are flowing, and I’m feeling like taking over the world. In the back of my mind, I am well aware that this feeling is not going to last too long. It feels like my brain and my emotions will eventually fail me.
Years ago, before I knew exactly what I was experiencing, I was a wreck. I didn’t know how to put into words what was happening in my head and with my emotions. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is not commonly diagnosed during youth. It was extremely hard growing up as a Black person in a community where mental health is stigmatised. Everyone trivialised my emotional outbursts as behavioural issues from a “petulant child”. I desperately wanted to be understood, and unfortunately, I wouldn’t experience that until many years later.
I experienced a lot of suicidal ideation. There were times that I acted on those thoughts not because I wanted to die, but because it seemed like the only option at the time. Eventually, I would see my first psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and prescribed me Seroquel.
I wish I could say it got better, but I continued to suffer from depression. I experienced debilitating episodes that went on for weeks on end. There were fears of abandonment and impulsive behaviour. The thing with borderline is that there are no grey areas — things aren’t strictly black or white. There is no in-between and as a result, I can easily let go of people who I deem unimportant and cling to those who I have intense fears of losing.
One particular day, I woke up from a depressive episode that had gone on for over a month and a half, with a few days of some hyper-manic moments. I reached out to my psychiatrist after I felt like I would give into my strong urge to end it all. It gets exhausting living with a condition that wreaks havoc, and you constantly have to explain to the next person what is going on in your head.
My psychiatrist changed my life. After being hospitalized for suicidal ideation, they diagnosed me with BPF with signs of hypomania. They explained everything to me, and it helped me be able to finally articulate what I’ve been experiencing. I was immediately put on Dopaquel.
The first day after I was discharged from the psychiatric ward, I attempted to make breakfast. I don’t recall how I ended up on the lounge floor, but I have vivid memories of being woken up by my cousin while a pot of oatmeal was burning on the stove.
I was unable to take a bath by myself — my legs were spasming and experiencing hot and cold flashes. The psychiatrist said that the medication would take up to two weeks to settle into my body. It was the most gruesome two weeks. I saw my psychiatrist, occupational therapist, and psychologist every week. The visits consisted of much needle prodding, experimenting with medication doses, and some Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT).
Like most mental illnesses, BPD has no cure. Treatment helps to control symptoms. The biggest misconception about BPD is that it’s attention-seeking and blows things out of proportion. Before I was diagnosed and treated, I believed I was a horrible person.
It manifests uniquely for each person, its cause not fully clear. It’s important that we show love and compassion towards folks with BPD, a highly misunderstood and stigmatised disorder. We are simply not difficult people, we struggle with regulating our emotions.
