By: Toshita Pandey
On days when the void screams and the struggle strangles you, know that there are people out there ready to help you.
Content warning: borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia
This is for anyone out there who is struggling. There will be days when you will feel so lost and so alone that nothing and no one will seem important. Like you are sitting opposite to Zen mode — nihilistic on most days. Where even the silence screams and the void expands inside your heart. Where you want to acknowledge the call of the void and the voice telling you not to, is too mild. What do you do? Where do you go?
It was the last month of the bumpy year 2021. My mental health went through a scary roller coaster ride that year. I am not sure if I feel happy that the year was ending because it caused so much pain. Am I sad because it caused so much pain and I couldn’t fix it all myself?
I slept for three to four days at a time, heard voices, and saw shadows that did not exist. I bought everything in the store because I wanted to cook something fancy for myself. I would drag myself to work (often failing) each day. I would attempt to complete everything in one stretch because on certain days a voice in my head said that I love my work too much. Even breathing seemed like a chore. I cleaned my entire house in one go because I wanted to smell the potpourri I bought five weeks ago. Every time I walked in the kitchen to fetch a glass of water, I would see unwashed utensils from two weeks ago because I didn’t have enough strength to live — let alone be a “good” adult. It’s been quite a journey, but I’ve finally accepted that I need help.
For months, things were really sad and gloomy, and it seemed like this would never end. The feeling that I would not be able to do anything in life and that my entire existence was for nothing crept so deep inside, that every waking moment became a nightmare, just like the ones I had when I was asleep. The dream reality confusion (DRC) and audiovisual hallucinations made it worse. In the small bursts that I’d be wide awake, all I could think of was, “What if I just kept sleeping and never woke up? Would anyone bother to even care? If they did, how long would it take? Do I even care about anyone else or do I just want this long weird life to end?”.
Mental illness often makes you so lonely that you can’t see beyond the fog that it creates. It transforms into demons that keep tabs on everything you do and ensures that you stay trapped within their reach. Sometimes it feels like people who support individuals with more commonly known mental health issues like depression and anxiety do so wholeheartedly but only from a safe distance. They can give donations in the name of mental health awareness but want “normalcy” in their own life. This attitude feeds the demon and makes it grow stronger, so you give in because you want to stay in its grasp, where familiar things like toxicity, helplessness, and sadness exist.
Recently I came across this quote by Franz Kafka from Letters to Felice that I resonated a lot with.
I am not well; I could have built the Pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason.
It has felt the same for me — clinging to life and gathering the strength to wake up every day, ensuring that I survive one day at a time. Not only that, but it’s draining to have to explain this to people.
While all of this was happening, my mood was swinging back and forth like a pendulum — elated for some hours and gloomy otherwise. There was a strong voice in my head who asked for help.
Around three months ago, I revisited professional help. It felt like the new psychiatrist talked to me like everything in the world was perfect. She conveyed to me that I was perfectly imperfect, just the way I was. I wanted to believe her that nothing wrong was happening, but my demon’s voice kept on telling me otherwise, and my medication was not helping as much as I would have liked. After prescribing new medications to try out, she found the right one for me.
The last couple of weeks has been nothing but a sweet and beautiful dream. It feels like I am walking on clouds, but not in mania. I am waking up to the alarm clock, working like I want to, cooking for myself every day, and spreading happiness. It feels surreal, as if my soul had been taken out, but now it is back to where it belongs. I belong. I feel like I wasn’t myself for over a year, and now those missing pieces are gluing themselves back together. They are leaving some scars behind in the process, but these are reminders of how broken things can heal with some support.
I still have some bad moments, but my reactions to them have become responses. The intensity of my emotions has stabilized, and I feel, and I’m in my body again. Although I do worry about how long I will be like this and whether I will spiral again, I know that I love myself a little more.
On days when the void screams and the struggle strangles you, know that there are people out there ready to help you. You just need to extend that one little finger. It will be difficult, it will be hard, and you might even need to drag yourself out of your haven because it is not safe anymore. In the end, the result is all worth that step out of the comfort zone. Take that one step into your own journey, and accept the beautiful soul that you are. You deserve all the colors and all the rainbows in this universe.
Yours truly,
A borderline & schizophrenic who is scared to accept herself as who she is but hopes to believe one day that she is all the colors in one, at full brightness.
