Loved Me Not
By: Anonymous Author
February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month, we share an anonymous account of the topic.
Content warning: domestic violence, rape, teen dating violence
As of today, I’m cis and genderqueer. The hetero-perspective still permeates my speech and perhaps you’ll catch it here. For what it’s worth, I’m also thinking of you, LGBTQ. Love is love, but abuse is abuse. And none of us deserves that. This is for past me and for the present you.
At 16, I wasn’t comfortable with my body. I had a lot of reproductive health questions and sexual guilt. I liked boys and a few liked me back, but it usually never went beyond that.
My first relationship started off rocky. I had kissed someone else when he went on a trip with his family. Even though I clearly didn’t owe him an apology, I felt like I did. I had lost his trust and he was jealous of anyone I came in contact with, male or female. I sympathized with him and wanted us to be close.
While on my undergraduate education and working full-time, he dropped out of high school and never really got a job. We grew further apart, but I felt the pressure to stay in the relationship. Who else could want me? Tolerate me? Maybe we needed more time together to heal the wounds?
I was a virgin when I met him. Coming from a Catholic family, I didn’t want to have sex before marriage. He had been sexually active before, and I felt like I owed him.
Some details are lost on me. But one thing is clear, even with alcohol intake, I told him no. I told him I wanted to wait. I said no repeatedly, but it didn’t make a difference. It took me years of educating myself to realize that I was raped and it didn’t matter if he ejaculated or not.
He had no excuse to violate me. His dysfunctional family wasn’t an excuse. His sex drive wasn’t one either. He should have stopped when I told him no. He shouldn’t have pressured me at all. He should’ve taken responsibility for his behavior.
The relationship became more abusive. Sexually and otherwise. He got me a cellphone to monitor me. I paid for his transportation, at least bus fare. He manipulated me in several ways. He stalked me, even after we broke up after four years of being on and off and I even after I had moved on with someone else. I should have paid attention to the red flags from the beginning. But it’s hard to notice the warning signs when you’re knee-deep in the chaos.
You can be in an abusive relationship and still cherish the good times. There were good things I missed. There are things I am ashamed of. There were unanswered questions. However, nothing can erase the fact that he abused me.
Relationships are not about averaging the good and bad until one is only-sort-of-miserable-mostly-okay-I-think. After 11 years together with my husband, 6 of which have been cohabiting, 5 married, I don’t claim to know everything about relationships, but I can tell you that a good start is mutual respect, trust, a dose of admiration, and commitment to do what’s best for each other. According to this article, 1,500 people think similarly.
Before psychotherapy, it was hard to acknowledge the abusive relationship. Over the years, I have told different versions of the story to loved ones. As time progresses, it becomes easier to say out loud with less anger and resentment.
I wish I had received a better sex education. I wish my Catholic upbringing didn’t normalize sex as a lewd act. I wish I had been taught to defend my body’s autonomy. I wish I was encouraged to love myself inside and out as I am.
I wish someone had told me what I’m telling everyone who has gone through something like this right now:
You are strong. You are still worth everything. You are not alone. It’s not your fault. You are still loved. I believe you. You can learn from this and overcome it. You can get help. You don’t have to be immediately better, so don’t stop fighting. I’m here for you. You’ll get through it. You will feel better, one day.
What you can do to help?
Visit Loveisresopect for more on the topic and join or support if-me.org to continue building a safe virtual space to share mental health experiences.
Share this infographic by the CDC, which mentions that “When we teach skills for healthy relationships now, we create safer, healthier communities for everyone in the future”.
If you or someone you know are cohabiting and experiencing a similar scenario than that of this article, The National Domestic Violence Hotline is at your service. They suggest calling them if your internet usage might be monitored: 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
