Winter approaches… and so does SAD
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of depression caused by the changes in seasons.
I am pretty good at putting on a happy face and being functional. After all, I’ve had decades of practice. Having grown up in a dysfunctional family and dealing with depression for most of my life, I can always muddle through somehow. In recent years I’ve been able to talk freely about it in hopes that it will help others as well.
The end of the year (almost) marks my first year as a software developer. My job officially started January 9th, but for all intents and purposes, I am a year in — and I am still just as hard on myself as when I started.
Imposter Syndrome is very prominent in my thoughts right now. I feel the need to push myself hard to keep my job, just as I did when I was looking for one. I am feeling anxiety about receiving my first performance review in 12 or 13 years. I feel as though I always have too many things to learn, and not enough time in the day.
I am on a much better team now than before, with really nice team members and a helpful Android team lead. As a result, I am in a better position to learn, but I still do not have much direction. I am still learning on my own, and progress is slow without direction. I find more to learn on a daily basis. It is overwhelming.
This past weekend I met up with an old friend. I have known him since the sixth grade and we have been able to keep in touch sporadically all these years. It had been about four years or so since I saw him last and I finally got to meet his adorable son, Oliver. I felt really lucky to have been able to see my friend and play with the little guy for a couple of hours. I also took some photos with my new Google Pixel 2 XL phone. Its camera is awesome! Oliver is almost two and doesn’t like to sit still, but I was able to get some amazing shots nonetheless. It made me very happy to be able to give my friend such nice photos. These kinds of things help keep the melancholy away
I try to look for things to be happy about and appreciate. It usually works pretty well, but not perfectly.
Some days are more difficult than others. It’s even more difficult when winter arrives. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a real problem for many people, but those with clinical depression have to fight extra hard.
With winter coming, please talk to someone if you have a history of depression — even if it’s not currently a problem. Let someone know so they can check in with you periodically. You’ll need support, even if it’s just someone to sit with in silence.
