My Favorite National Heroes
A non-comprehensive list in no particular order
Recently, in an increase of idle hours, I’ve found myself thinking about those heroes out there, dead or alive, who’ve made life a little better. Throughout my last quarter century, there have been a few who stand out. My name is Valentina Esposito, and here are some of my favorite national heroes.
Maria Sharapova: Let’s start with Russia, though she resides in America. Rumor has it the emphasis is on the -AP instead of equal emphasis between the syllables in Shar-a-po-va. She is hot and very good at tennis. Also has a concrete house. Retired in February, thank you for your “service”!
Venus by Botticelli: She will always be there in the Uffizi, coyly covering her nether regions with her long mane. Her marble skin and insanely long neck have captivated students in required humanities courses for ages. Thank you for gracing our unworthy textbooks, Venus.
Tchaikovsky: Along with the literary bookends of Chekhov and Tolstoy, he stands grandly. Tchaikovsky Violin Concerto and The Nutcracker, anyone? If not, I have some homework for you.
Mitt Romney: Waxing ever so quickly political. Only Republican to vote against Trump in the impeachment trial. Quite handsome father of five — and all boys! Romney summers on Lake Winnepesaukee must be a riot. I encourage you to watch this clip. Even national hero’s have really strange ways of blowing out their candles.
Masha Gessen: Dare you to name a greater Russian gay woman! Russia’s leading LGBT rights activist. Journalist and sibling of Keith Gessen.
Yo-Yo Ma: It goes without saying. The kindest cellist who will give you flowers when he performs. Presidential Medal of Freedom among so many other deserving accolades. Cello’s name is “Petunia”.
Madeline: This French cartoon girl was so much more than an animation. During her tenure, she improved the lives of so many 90’s children across the world. The smallest and bravest of all the girls at her Parisian Catholic boarding school, she taught us to live boldly and showed us a Paris we could all pine after, in the most cliché of ways. Thank you to Madeline, a seven year old French national hero.
The Trader Joe: I don’t care if he is yuppie mania, his goods are, I want to say, objectively good. I will always need the sweet nectar from the tit of the “Orange Peach Mango”. Do I need to tell you why the trader we know as “Joe” is a national hero?
Mary Kate and Ashley: Beginning with their cultural influence through the films Passport to Paris and It Takes Two, these high-cheek boned twins are now CFDA award winners with their creation of The Row. A hallmark of their later years, they have also set the standard for the paparazzi shot, showcasing them as the personification of the New York smoker aesthetic. Never mind the cigarette being a distillation of the reality that our bodies are frail and mortal, we salute the black flag of MKA.
John Steinbeck: The king of cannery row. Or just, the king. One cannot/should not go through a high school English course without reading his novels fraught with Americana. He blazed a trail for legendary American writing that explored the individual, morality, and the great plain of the frontier. Next time I’m at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, I’ll think of you, Mr. Steinbeck.
Annie Hall: Pretty sure she’s real. Or at least, she’s existed through many a small-town quirky girl who’s moved to New York. She gave girls from Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin, a voice! She was a forward-thinking woman in a man’s world! She refused sex when she didn’t feel like it! Her character was unabashed, quick, and androgynous way before it was in vogue. Thank you so much, Annie.
