The First Second Second Lady
I have been sweating vigorously over this troubling matter for over a week now. If we go along with Doug Emhoff’s self-procured title (on twitter his handle is @ SecondGentleman), which we would do with caution (revisit Deluca’s delicate and lucid argumentation), we must do it on the following grounds: Doug Emhoff is not second to Jill Biden, who is not a gentleman, but second to Joe Biden, who is. You see, the title of “First Lady” is applied to she who, among everyone of her gender, symbolically occupies the highest place in the seat of the American government. Among the four individuals who comprise our chief executive team, this role has traditionally gone to the President’s wife. But if the President should be a woman, then the President herself would be the First Lady. And since the Vice President ranks above the President’s spouse, two lesbians (and their respective wives) making up the winning ticket would rank thusly:
- President — First Lady
2. Vice President—Second Lady
3. President’s Wife—Third Lady
4. Vice President’s Wife—Fourth Lady
You’ll see the point here: for the entirety of American political history, implicitly, the President has been the First Gentleman, and the Vice President has been the Second Gentleman.
Because the Vice President’s spouse ranks lastly in the matrix (and for good reason!), Mr. Emhoff is indeed the Second Gentleman—second to Joe Biden—since he is literally the second and final gentleman in the quartet.
So we can rest easy knowing his title is just. But doesn’t that raise an issue for Jill Biden? Yes, you already got there, haven’t you?
Dr. Jill Biden ranks below (far, far below) the austere and powerful Kamala Harris. Ms. Harris, of course, ranks first among all American ladies. And if she is indeed the First Lady, then Jill must be the Second Lady. Remember, Jill already was the Second Lady. She’s the twelfth Second Lady to become a “First Lady,” but the first to really remain a Second Lady…the first to be a Second Lady a second time, in a new capacity.
Thus I contend that Jill Biden is the first second Second Lady.
Unfortunately, our conventions are not prepared for such exuberant modernity. These titles are cumbersome, impossibly outdated, and in my opinion, grotesquely bourgeois.
What do you think, my fellow Americans?
