13 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Kill Yourself (Ever)
The Elephant in the Room: We’ve All Thought About It
Let’s begin this article by addressing the elephant in the room. We have all wanted to kill ourselves at some point for some reason. That may sound exaggerated, but consider with me the statistics on the reported instances of suicidal thinking in just the United States of America.
According to the CDC’s “2015 Suicide Facts at a Glance:”
- An average 4% of US adults told someone they were thinking about suicide, 1% of which admitted they had a plan and were ready to execute it.
- An average 17% of US high school students told someone they were thinking about killing themselves, 13.6% of which admitted they had a plan ready to do it.
- Suicide is the third leading cause of death among children ages 10–14.
The CDC cannot account for the number of adults, teens, and children who thought about committing suicide, had a plan, and didn’t tell anyone. Even if it was a passing thought… a sudden idea in a moment of intense pain… a seeming only option in a season of failure after failure… a 60-second imagination that maybe death would end the loneliness… a spur-of-the-moment thought in response to a deep betrayal by a close friend.
The CDC cannot account for the number of us that thought it out, truly, but changed our minds (perhaps over and over again) in a week, a month, a year, ten years.
Put bluntly, if you open the conversation up to any honest room, there will be a few people in there with you — no matter how old, how wealthy, how beautiful, how successful — who have considered suicide at least once in their lifetime.
If you open the conversation up to any honest room, there will be a few people in there with you — no matter how old, how wealthy, how beautiful, how successful — who have considered suicide at least once in their lifetime.
Why Do We Think This Way? Life is Hard.
The short answer is that life — human development — is difficult. Every few years from ages 0 to 18 or so (for some into the early 20s), you go through these huge shifts in your physical, mental, social, and psychological self that feel like near-death experiences at the time.
You go through huge shifts in your physical, mental, social, and psychological self that feel like near-death experiences at the time.
Then, you go into young adulthood and ride the challenging rollercoaster of developing and managing life as “the responsible party,” thinking (in error) that at any point you have everything under control. :) Because, you can’t have everything under control; that is not how life works. At any given time, 7–8% of adults are experiencing some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder because of such surprises.
Then, you get into your 30s and you’re shocked by how hard it is to achieve what you thought were the life goals you’d be enjoying by then. You ride that shock and the pressures of dealing with it and triumphing over it into your 40s… right in time to broach the possibility of a midlife crisis (maybe).
If It’s So Hard… for Everyone… Then Why Are We All Here?
That’s a good question for which none of us REALLY have an answer. Even those of us who believe in God, and destiny, and purpose… we really don’t have exact answers for the whys. If you came to this article expecting me to give you a universal answer for why life exists, you’re not going to get that here because I don’t know. By the time I could ponder such a question (just like you), I was already here, and apparently by the time I get a solid idea about it I’ll be dead. (I mean it’s true, but it’s also funny.)
Even those of us who believe in God, and destiny, and purpose… we really don’t have exact answers for the whys.
I never promised you I would provide an answer about why or how you got here. I promised that I would provide you with reasons why you should stay: 13 reasons. :)
1: It’s Gonna Change
What’s gonna change? Whatever it is. One of the things I can guarantee about life — and guarantees in life are rare — is that your situation will change. If you think you’re too ugly or too pretty, you will gradually look and feel differently. If you think you are too poor or too rich, financial twists and turns are definitely coming — with or without changes in your mindset and decisions. If you think you’re too lonely or too surrounded by dead weight bloodsuckers, you are certainly headed for either a time of isolation or a flood of new acquaintances (also with or without a change in your decisions).
If you are too sick and too misunderstood to endure it, you will get less sick or sicker, less understood or moreso… truly, we have no idea which way that will swing because… well… we are mortal and death is another of those rare life guarantees. Perhaps you will heal (gradually or miraculously). Perhaps you will meet the best person you’ve ever met in your last ten days of life in the ICU.
Who knows? Who can really know? Change is coming.
Change is coming.
Whatever your current situation is, it will change, and you really have no idea of knowing if it will change for better or worse. You don’t even know if what you think is worse now is actually going to be worse then. You might as well wait and see what happens.
2: It’s Faster Than You Feel or Think
Suffering suspends time, doesn’t it? Depression — that famed emotional state where you are literally imploding, falling in on yourself — drags us into a vacuum: a dark, deep, suffocating vacuum of secret decay. You are not alone if you feel like you are falling into an inescapable dark place. In 2017, an average 7% of US adults (over 17 million people) were experiencing or had experienced at least one major depressive episode (of two weeks or longer) at a given time.
While you are in the dark places — while your parent is dying, while your spouse is leaving, while your child is rebelling, while your employment is questionable, while your health is failing — it seems to drag on forever. The more focused you are on the thing that is hurting you, the longer it seems the day must be. This is equally true for feelings of intense fear which may be a result of an unfounded anxiety about things that might never happen. Scientists are not sure why our sense of time and our emotions are so intertwined, but time perception is proven to be affected by pain.
The good news is that time is not abstract. It is a concrete thing that you can actually track. If you are worried that you are in a situation — a moment — that will never end, you can reassure yourself that time is still moving by purposefully observing it. Psychiatrists suggest that if you establish routines and set goals that respect the importance of using time productively, that reset in focus will change your perception of time. Once you start moving in the light of day, time will seem to move along in your dark places too.
Once you start moving in the light of day, time will seem to move along in your dark places too.
3: It’s Meant to Be Shared
While we are talking about secret depression, I should note here that you shouldn’t have that. The old folks used to say that secrets could rot a man’s soul, and science has proven that secret-keeping can ruin your mind and body over time. So, keeping it a secret that you wake up every day in a dark place is like punching yourself in the face repeatedly. You are compounding the pain by working so hard to make sure that no one knows about it.
You compound your pain by working so hard to make sure that no one knows about it.
Who you share your pain with depends upon the source and severity of that pain. There are certainly some secrets you shouldn’t tell your mother, and there are others that you can’t even stand to tell yourself in your own mind. What you have to do is find an outlet because your humanity requires interaction with other human beings. Your pain is not meant to be borne by you alone. If you are bearing it all alone, it makes sense that you are thinking about ending your life.
People hate it when you say “think about seeing a therapist,” but therapists are just people paid to listen to you say things you really can’t (or don’t want to) say to anyone else. Sometimes they even help you work out productive ways to avoid disaster. Thank God for my middle school therapist I was forced to see as a part of an at-risk program! She saved my life before it started!
4: It’s Not About Him (Or Her… Or Them)
Sometimes when we want to kill ourselves it’s because of someone else’s inappropriate behavior. Family violence, prison violence, and sexual abuse are among the experiences that place us more at risk of suicidal thinking. In school-aged children, bullying — in person or online — places students at risk of suicidal thinking. In all these cases, someone other than you has done something terrible with some malicious intent, and as a result you feel like life must not be worth living.
Counterpoint. Though the human experience is meant to be shared, you certainly will not be able to share it safely with everyone. Some of the people you meet will be opportunists, only out to take from others what will benefit them at the time. Some will be predators out to steal varying bits of security or comfort from the rest of us. Your encounter with a predator says nothing about your life’s worth, and it certainly does not have to signify the end of your future quality of life. Predators should be reported, not rewarded with your silence in life or death.
Predators should be reported, not rewarded with your silence in life or death.
Finally, not everyone is a predator. Some people are quite lovely. There are still people who tell the truth to a fault, who bake their grandmother’s cookies every Christmas, who dress their pets up like little people, who play video games like its a religion. There are still good people for you to meet, and know, and love. Even if a few of them break your heart — or turn out to be monsters — your life is not about them. At the end of the day, your life is going to be the sum of the things you have chosen to think and do until you take your last (hopefully natural) breath.
5: It’s Choose Your Own Adventure
When I was a kid we had “Choose Your Own Adventure” books. When you got to a certain point in a chapter in a book, you could choose what the lead character should do next. Then the book would tell you what page to go to so you could find out the consequences of your choice. If you didn’t like your consequences, you could go back and choose differently (or at least I did), and then you would get a new set of consequences.
I’m not exaggerating when I say quite a bit of life is like this. There are some parts of your story you can’t control: where you are born, who your parents are, the station of life you are born into, the genes you are born with, your race/ethnicity, etc. However, there are a gazillion points in your story where you get a prompt to make a choice. That’s your moment to weigh the pros and cons of the choices you could make and then go with the one you think is best for you.
We mess things up when we let others choose our adventures for us, and we also destroy the experience when we let others’ choices be the final authority in how we choose. Your gut, your motivations, your interests, your morals, your dreams, your beliefs will determine how you choose. People will have their opinions, but again… it’s not about them. You will have to live with the opportunities you did or did not take and the consequences that come with that.
Your gut, your motivations, your interests, your morals, your dreams, your beliefs will determine how you choose.
Bonus: Sometimes you DO get a loop back after you’ve made a stupid decision and you get to choose again WITH THE KNOWLEDGE of what the other choice produced. Don’t miss that chance! It can be rare!
6: It’s Easier to Say No
Sometimes we want to kill ourselves because we are overwhelmed and ashamed. If you’re not a perfectionist (or a recovering perfectionist), you may not understand this. In effect, the stress of trying to do everything well — when everything is already too much to manage at once — makes you feel like giving up and just dying. For this person, it is better to die than disappoint people who need them. Death also seems to be the only way to remove the pressures of the moment.
But, counterpoint. You could just say “No.” I am by no means simplifying the complexities that lead us into this kind of suicidal thinking. I am just suggesting that maybe putting down some of those weights you are carrying could lead to something unexpectedly better.
Putting down some of those weights you are carrying could lead to something unexpectedly better.
Let’s say, for example, that you are the breadwinner and you’ve lost your job. Maybe you have three months before the lenders take the house, the car, the boat, the RV, the new TV, etc. You get the picture. Let’s be honest with each other. At this point, you have no idea what’s going to happen. The fear makes time stand still. Others’ expectations make you feel ashamed. But again, it’s about you now… you get to choose what you do next.
Or, let’s say… for example… that you’re a single mom or dad. You are working two jobs and your preteen has started burning things, taking drugs, dating adults, skipping school, and stealing money. Okay, that’s probably an exaggeration. But, let’s suppose you are in a similar situation. Your employers are not sympathetic to your situation. You are going to have to say “No” to some things here to save your child. You get to choose which things.
The idea here is that NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING. You can reconfigure your life so that is it at a manageable pressure (stress level) daily. You have to make this sacrifice of setting your life and time so that it works for you. Otherwise, you will feel like killing yourself because you are already doing it. If anyone or anything interferes with you maintaining a healthy balance, you don’t need to feel guilty saying “No, I can’t do that.” Say it with me: “No, I can’t do that.”
If anyone or anything interferes with you maintaining a healthy balance, you don’t need to feel guilty saying “No, I can’t do that.”
7: It’s Better If You’ve Slept
This might go without saying, but life is better when you’re rested. Sleep deprivation leads to all kinds of erratic thinking and behavior in children and adults, and depression is on the list of symptoms typical in groggy, poorly-rested grownups. Your very ability to maintain a thought is affected by the amount of sleep you get each night.
But, for suicidal thinking? How can sleep impact that? We’re looking at a sum of all issues, aren’t we? Your frustration from lack of rest leads to additional pressure over not being able to do things well… which leads to depression about not measuring up… which you haven’t told anyone because you feel embarrassed… because you’re a man (or a woman now) and you should be able to handle it.
This is particularly true for younger people who feel the need to burn the candle at both ends to maintain excitement in life. Going to bed before 10 pm is not going to kill you, but staying up all night might. If you’re an adult working two jobs — as we mentioned earlier — to make ends meet and you’ve reached the end of your rope, it’s time to activate the “No” muscle, ask for help, and make some deliberate changes. You deserve to rest, and you deserve to live.
8: It’s Better If You’ve Eaten (and Eaten Well)
This is a tricky one because I realize that even in the wealthiest countries in the world, several good meals each day is a privilege, not a common expectation. However, a stable, regular diet will make a difference in your health, your mood, and how you see yourself. Put simply, your brain and body cannot function well without certain nutrients. The more stress you apply by not eating or eating poorly, the more psychological strain you will feel as a result of hunger, which will amplify your depression, and so on.
The more stress you apply by not eating or by eating poorly, the more psychological strain you will feel as a result of hunger.
What about the cost? Let’s talk about that. If you are unable to eat at all because you have no income, I’m going to ask you to ask for help. Don’t be too proud to apply for food assistance (if it exists) until you can do better. You need to eat, and your children need to eat.
If you are just above the poverty line and you can’t get government assistance, ask your family for help, or your church family, or a church (even if you’re not family). Food can mean the difference between clear and cloudy judgement. Eating right can save your life.
If you have an eating disorder keeping you from healthy eating, you know what I’m going to say. You should see a therapist and stop hiding that secret. (It’s not so bad. Come on.)
9: It’s Better If You’ve Forgiven Yourself (and Others)
If you saw the heading, winced, and looked away (or sucked your teeth, or felt guilty), this section might apply to you. Guilt and shame can be killers, but they don’t have to be. I’m not going to pretend that forgiveness of self is easy. You might even be angry with yourself about something only you know. The key thing is to look at yourself as fully human regardless of your best efforts and others’ expectations. If a secret you are keeping is making you feel guilty and worthless, you know what I’m going to say. Consider seeing a therapist. (Come on. It’s not that bad.)
Forgiveness of others is equally (if not more) difficult, but forgiveness is scientifically proven to improve quality of life! It’s likely that if you haven’t forgiven someone who’s hurt you, you are rehearsing the fault in your head regularly… reliving the experience… getting more angry… feeling the same emotions again… wanting to retaliate every time you think about it. So yeah, this is unhealthy. Forgiveness doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, and it doesn’t mean you condone the behavior. It simply means that you are choosing to stop rehearsing the event and planning revenge.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, and it doesn’t mean you condone the behavior. It simply means that you are choosing to stop rehearsing the event and planning revenge.
It can be particularly unhealthy if personal guilt is making you want to retaliate against yourself, which is really an opportunity for you to… you know… talk to a therapist. (Seriously. It could be a 30-minute session.) At the end of the day, your life is not over because of your or others’ short-lived poor choices. You can still choose your own adventure. You can still say your apologies and make amends. You can still forgive yourself.
10: It’s Better If You Accept the Truth (with a Little Grace)
Sometimes we want to kill ourselves because we don’t want to face uncomfortable or inconvenient truths. Life is a balancing act between expectations and realities, and sometimes the realities are harsh and uninviting (at least in a certain moment or for a certain time). Denial is a nook then. Why? For a little while we can just go into a secret place in our minds and pretend that everything is fine.
A brief period of denial is to be expected because it is human, but when yearning for a fantasy becomes everyday life, real life becomes unbearable, doesn’t it? At some point you have to grieve and accept the reality of your situation, whatever it is. For example, my late husband is dead. My Lupus is forever (so far). I have wide hips. These are all true things with varying degrees of life impact and severity. If I had chosen to pretend that these things were not true, can you imagine how my daily life would be affected?
If you choose to pretend that true things are not true, can you imagine how much your daily is affected?
We can’t live in denial, literally. It does not lead to a real place. What should we do instead? We have to accept what truly is and grieve our expectations. Changes that are beyond our expectations can be hard initially, but that doesn’t mean that all ultimate endings are bad. Grief can be healthy, and you know what to do if your grief is out of control. You should see at therapist. (There are even free therapy options if you do a little research.)
11: You Can Get What You Need
Sometimes we want to kill ourselves because we feel we have no way of getting what we truly need, and that need varies person to person. Maybe you’re struggling to make ends meet and there’s never enough money, never enough food, never enough for bills. Maybe you need love and affection, and there seems to be no one in your life to satisfy that yearning. Maybe you are struggling to get some rest but responsibilities keep presenting themselves. You feel powerless, overwhelmed… trapped.
The range of things we each need to feel safe and fulfilled is broad, and every need is important. What can we do to get needs met in appropriate ways while making everyday work? Again, without the intention of simplifying complicated situations, I suggest a combination of choice, communication, and action.
A good potential mate is probably not going to magically knock on your front door! A loving, stable mate is probably not going to want to connect to a self-deprecating, unstable person (so if you are there you should see a therapist). You will probably have to invest some time and energy in meeting new people.
If you need more money you might have to change jobs or change your lifestyle, or change cities…. Find out what you CAN CHANGE in your money situation and then ACT. Communicate with people you trust to advise you when you need a sounding board.
Don’t do yourself the injustice of going day after day without your needs being met. You cannot function that way. The strain will lead to anxiety and depression, and eventually you’ll feel like your life has no meaning. Once you figure out what you really need (and even that takes some doing), actively be about getting those needs met.
12: You Can Get (Quite a Bit) of What You Want
For me, it was a trip to Venice. That was my bucket list trip. The first time I saw pictures of Venice I was a poor kid in Newark, NJ, flipping through famous world cities in a CD-ROM Encarta encyclopedia. I had no idea how I would ever get there, but I decided then: “I want to go to Venice.” I didn’t need to go. It was just an icing-on-the-cake dream for me. I went three years ago. It was beautiful. I guess that took about twenty years.
If you’re thinking of killing yourself because things are just not going the way you want them to, you should reconsider. Again, we are not talking about needs here… we are talking about the icing on the cake: losing that fifteen pounds, getting that unnecessary promotion, getting a “yes” from the current it-girl, purchasing that HD curve television, securing season tickets… those things. And why should you reconsider? Wants take time.
Remember that your negative emotions suspend your perception of time, so when you are frustrated by waiting, it seems like getting to your dream is taking forever. We have to deal with the truth about those icing-on-the-cake goals. They are often more expensive and more involved than what we can presently handle. That’s okay too! It’s just… well… it’s a little beyond our reach right now.
Patience is going to allow you to achieve balance as you work toward that sweet bonus experience, whatever it is. You can’t always get what you want, and you can’t have everything right now, but give life time. With time, you will enjoy quite a bit of what you want in different seasons. That’s true even when your wants change as you age.
13: We Need You
If you’ve done a lot of reading on reasons to not kill yourself, this might sound cliché, but it isn’t. The people in your sphere of influence, their life balance, depends on you. Your smile (even if it’s a fake one) is a regular part of your co-worker’s day. Seeing your car pull in after work is a part of your neighbor’s morning or evening. Your nephew or your niece… you’re a part of their world. Your ex is still watching you in secret on social media (hopefully in a healthy, cathartic way… or they should see a therapist).
There are people you have met and people you haven’t met that need to encounter you specifically. That interaction with you will impact them, maybe their family, maybe generations of people… you don’t really know because you are thinking of killing yourself PRECISELY because you don’t know. You have no idea what you’re worth now, or tomorrow, or in the long run. Or, you are assuming you’re not worth anything when you are somebody else’s everything.
Even your secrets, you ability to forgive yourself, your ability to forgive others, is powerful enough to save many lives and bring others out of their dark depths of depression.
If none of the other twelve reasons convince you to live, stay because we need you. At the end of the day, we are all connected in a way that cannot be mapped out exactly. Your greatest and most significant encounter may be ten days or ten years away. It may be that your great grand-daughter is going to do something that the world needs done, that some person you love is going to teach another person how to accept themselves.
It doesn’t make sense right now, maybe, but I am simply asking you to consider what you might have if you stay. What the hell? You’ve got nothing to lose, and thirteen somethings to gain.
