Using my example, it’s time to face your vices. We come to the most important of them all
Expectations: A Harbinger of Hatred. Chapter 2
How to lower your expectations in order to start enjoying life and living again
Previously: Chapter 1
Part 4. Reviews
In a big city (and nowadays, not only in big cities), another interesting tool emerges — reviews.
You can find reviews on everything — appliances, doctors, organizations, medications, services, and so on.
It seems simple:
good reviews mean it’s worthwhile, bad ones mean it’s better to stay away.
This generally even works with inanimate objects, like appliances.
But there’s a catch…
It’s not enough to just look at the rating; you need to pay attention to what people are specifically writing.
For objects — people often leave bad reviews simply because they were too lazy to read the instructions, expecting the product to present itself, explain how to use it, and reveal all its pitfalls, which, by the way, are described in the manual.
Sounds simple, right?
You know me, I wouldn’t have brought up this topic if it were that simple.
And we return to our beloved doctors for a vivid example, but what I’m about to say applies to any field where there’s human interaction or service provision.
Let’s think, what does a good review mean?
Usually, it means the person liked everything.
That’s it.
It doesn’t mean anything more. The person was simply flattered, and they were satisfied. This has almost nothing to do with the actual provision of the service.
A service can be provided mediocrely, but dressed up with a ton of flattery, sympathy, and understanding — voilà! A satisfied client.
It’s a great marketing move.
In the case of medicine, it’s potentially a deadly trap.
Either for your health, your wallet, or both.
I’ve been burned dozens of times by choosing specialists based on internet reviews, who had an average rating of 4.5 out of 5 or higher.
Certainly, such a rating only means one thing — you’re unlikely to be mistreated.
In fact, often, that means a lot.
However, a generally good impression always damnably hinders an objective assessment.
It’s so hard to admit that the person you liked, who said what you wanted to hear, might be wrong or not help at all.
Another dam of expectations is breached.
Part 5. Obligation
From childhood, we often hear the phrase “no one owes you anything.”
The irony, as always, is that you hear this from people who later tell you that you owe them something.
People always fear applying their own phrases in all their might.
Twisting situations to their advantage is always a more beneficial strategy. But that’s not what this is about.
Talking about this phrase, I want to highlight the following nuances:
- It always works, everywhere, regardless of whether you know this rule or not.
- It applies to any relationships, with one exception.
- Unless there’s a written contract between the parties.
But even with contracts, if you sign them with any companies, you’re usually in a losing position.
Do you make contracts with your parents? Friends? Spouse?
In the case of a spouse, it’s even a quite sensible decision these days, which, nonetheless, most overlook.
In most cases, you’re not bound to other people except by your own conscience. That’s a fact.
Just as they are not bound to you.
If you haven’t thought about this, most things in this world happen simply by mutual consent of both parties. Absolutely no obligations.
But somehow, we subconsciously fear saying “no”, afraid of receiving it in response.
Children expect something from parents. Parents expect something from children.
Build relationships, don’t just wait. It requires an action!
It’s never too late to admit you were wrong and work on your mistakes.
Family relationships are a much more complex phenomenon than just bringing home a paycheck once a month and putting it in the common fund.
There are no familial obligations; you’ve made them up yourself.
In case you lack your own grey matter, society will load you with its standards.
If you foolishly started a “new life” 👶 with someone with whom, as it turns out, you really don’t want to spend the rest of your days…
There’s no shame in breaking it off as soon as you realize it.
The shame is in suffering for 20 years, destroying your own life and your family’s life, and when the chicks leave the nest, packing up and disappearing into the sunset.
In fact, even that’s better than never.
Being unhappy yourself, you can’t build a happy family. You’ll raise another traumatized person, just like yourself.
“Living for the children” when nothing else binds you is the worst thing that can happen in family life.
As practice shows, all parties are happier when, in such a situation, they finally sleep under different roofs, respecting themselves, their partner, and each other’s choices.
Stepping back from the specifics of family life and returning to more general issues…
- No one is obliged to be like you. Even if you’re so cool and wonderful.
- No one is obliged to follow your advice. It’s against our biological nature.
- No one is obliged to guess what you meant. Moreover, people often find it more beneficial to twist the situation to their advantage based on what you didn’t fully say.
- No one is obliged to sympathize with or worry about you. Everyone always thinks of themselves first.
- No one is obliged to cook you soup after work. Or fix the faucet on weekends.
- No one is obliged to open doors in life for you. If the door is closed — break it down, find a key, or make someone open it for you.
Every time you wait for something and it doesn’t happen…think, most likely, no one just owes you that.
If you happen to have any of these things — be damn grateful.
Say “thank you” at least. Or better yet, repay in kind.
And yes, if you’ve done something good for someone…Well, you get it. No one is obliged to repay you in kind.
All this applies to all relationships in any place: at work, in the family, in school, on the street.
To be continued…
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