Using my example, it’s time to face your vices. We come to the most important of them all
Expectations: A Harbinger of Hatred. Chapter 5
How to lower your expectations in order to start enjoying life and living again
Previously: Chapter 4, Chapter3, Chapter 2, Chapter 1
Part 9. The Final Challenge
This is another instance where a “mere computer game” helped me realize perhaps the climax of my philosophical thought. The game that made this blog possible.
This lesson was taught to me by “Mother.” No, not my real mother. 😅
Mother of Sanctuary. Lilith. Daughter of Hatred. That’s what this character is called.
She’s the main antagonist (or villain) of the video game Diablo IV.
After completing the game, an additional mode unlocks, where you can endlessly improve your main character. And as the ultimate challenge, you’re given the chance to fight the main villain again, but this time in an incredibly more powerful version.
Even being only halfway there, I had heard about this challenge from other players who took 50 to 100 attempts to beat it.
I was initially prepared for the fact that I was far from the most capable player, and mentally set my expectation around 200 attempts
After all, I already had extensive experience in World of Warcraft, where our team took roughly the same number of attempts for each boss.
But that was a team, right?
Where many people, apart from me, constantly failed to perform what seemed like simple tasks.
Here, I was alone; I’m a good player, surely I’ll do it in 200 attempts
The greatest mistake ever
The first 100 attempts indeed went relatively calmly. However, as I approached the previously set threshold of expectation, the stress level rose.
By the 150th attempt, I realized I was far from victory…
Simultaneously, I came across more articles from other players warning those who dared to try that they would have to lose a lot and cited 50 attempts as an example. What then are 200 attempts?
Then came 300 attempts. Somewhere around here, I couldn’t hold back my tears
After the experience with algorithmic tasks, I was prepared and didn’t break anything, though I really wanted to.
- This was a different experience. With tasks, there was some more tangible progress. At least several times a day, you solved some problems and saw a “green flag”
- Here, after a bit of progress, you could find yourself stagnating at previous stages for hours. Unlike with tasks where I chose what to repeat, here everything was decided for me.
- Tasks might tell you you’re a loser several times a day. Here, you got that message hundreds of times in the same period. And you even start to believe it.
Especially after the still fresh wounds from the tasks.
The first hysterical tears rolled down my cheek.
I tried to understand what was wrong with me.
Why was I making the same mistakes over and over?
Randomness was to blame, which we discussed in one of the previous parts, but then I hadn’t realized it.
I never knew how to give up. Even when perhaps it was necessary.
I was approaching roughly my 700th attempt.
Failure after failure, hour after hour, week after week…
Yes, I was progressing, but when you can’t replicate that progress for another 100 attempts — it’s very demoralizing. It makes you realize that previous successes were just luck. In which I don’t believe.
The fact that by the release of the game, I had already gone through so much, learned and absorbed so much, I was so proud of my ability to control myself, and some pitiful game managed to just trample all that I had built over the last 10 years.
I thought I approached with lowered expectations for myself, but this is a perfect example of reality being far from what it’s been imagined.
Even you’re no longer who you thought you were.
Everyone said I was strong, wise…
This situation only showed how much we all are slaves to various expectations.
How weak each of us is if only we know which strings to pull and how deeply to tug.
No one from the outside could reach that deep.
But you have a key that no one else has.
You yourself are your worst enemy in reflection.
Everyone has their limits. For some, they are higher; for others, lower.
As it turns out, my limits were quite high, seemingly unattainable for many.
But I broke them.
That was the day I destroyed something very deep inside me.
The last time such a hysteria overwhelmed me was in my teenage years. I couldn’t do anything for almost a whole day.
This was a problem…
But I don’t leave problems unsolved.
I realized what had broken inside me.
It was a huge and heavy door, unleashing an unprecedented flow of self-reflection.
Once again, questions began to torment me:
- Why do I feel this way?
- How did it come to this?
I understood that I was feeling what I didn’t want to feel — anger, rage, self-destruction.
What I had so diligently stored behind those doors and hidden from the outside world for the last 10 years. Every time choosing a more complex lock, to forever lock away these feelings.
And two years ago, I thought I had finally overcome this. But I was wrong.
Allowing myself to experience everything that had been locked deep within my soul for many years, scrutinizing, analyzing, drawing parallels with past experiences…
I no longer wanted to lock these feelings away again.
I wanted to understand them…
To transform them into positive experiences.
I finally felt the strength for this and…
I succeeded.
I became curious to see if I could discover more about myself.
So, I made another 700 attempts. The final tally was almost 1500.
That moment, when I again felt a drop of despair, but it quickly passed, remembering everything I had lived through.
By this point, I was very close to the final victory.
Another 500 attempts passed. I was just 2% short of completing this challenge.
I didn’t continue. I gave up.
For the first time in my life.
At that moment, I realized that this challenge was designed to consume your free time. “Testing your skills,” as they call it.
But my free time was coming to an end.
I had tested everything I wanted, no new experiences were coming.
And to repetitively run like a squirrel in a wheel, without any goal — that’s definitely not for me.
To see how it was, you can look at this small selection. The number is the approximate count of attempts made by the time of the current frame.
Part 10. Conclusion
Did this article meet your expectations?
We’ve traveled a journey seven years long.
To summarize, here’s what we can say:
In the vast majority of cases, lowered expectations are a more winning strategy.
But if you expect nothing from life, don’t believe that the next step is possible — you might just sleep through life.
My conception of expectations is like this ball, where each spike is an inflated expectation.
Every time we encounter something that wounds us — we cut off one spike.
We shouldn’t cut everything off, but perhaps most of it.
This theory also beautifully explains children’s behavior in this world.
Their nervous systems are so weak, so unprepared for external influence, that they inherently have ten times more spikes.
But I’ll never cease to be amazed by adults who somehow managed to retain their childlike set and carry it into adult life. And they’re so reluctant to part with it…🧐
The next lesson is understanding what’s within our control and what’s not.
There are two common extremes — traps here.
The first is when people think they can’t control anything — that fate, the universe, or perhaps God rules everything.
The second is when they believe they can control everything.
The right answer, as always, is somewhere in the middle 👍
This balance is floating, flexible, dependent on the specific situation.
In some, you really can control a large part, in others, you can hardly control anything. In some, only 30% is under control, in another 50%, and in a third 70%.
Only a full understanding of the size of this percentage allows for the maximization of one’s life.
Lastly, it’s again a story about the golden rule of investing.
Investing the most important resource in your life — time.
When you invest in something, the cost of a mistake is everything you have.
Are you ready to pay such a price?
There’s always another way.
The main question — are you ready to see it?
To be able to see something in this dense forest, sometimes you need to cut down a few trees-spikes
Thank you for reading!
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