How to Thrive in Life
PERMA your way to happy
I wrote an article on Positive Psychology recently and was roundly slapped down by my one of my closest friends for “peddling the happiness pill”. She professed she didn’t really read the article, objecting to the constant pursuit of happiness as tedious.
I was momentarily confounded and offended. Then I thought to myself, maybe she’s misinterpreted what I’m trying to say. Maybe there is a general misconception about what Positive Psychology is. Come to think of it, I remember when I first heard the term myself some 15 years ago, I remember thinking at the time “Oh, my…what’s this new hippy dippy thing? What are they going to tell me — think positively and you’ll be happy? And they call it science?”
Well, actually, that is exactly the point. Positive Psychology is science. It is actually grounded in research. It’s not some kum ba yah sit-around-the-circle chant nor is it some off-hand “think positively and the world’s your oyster” wishful thinking.
Thanks to Positive Psychology, we now have research findings that have identified:
1) Factors that enable individuals, organisations and communities to flourish and thrive.
2) Research-based skills and exercises to increase wellbeing and guide us to begin to practice these skills in their own lives
I want to focus on the first point here — the 5 factors that help us to flourish and thrive. Check out the article below on how to increase your wellbeing and happiness:
H = P + E + R + M + A (or PERMA)
Martin Seligman, a pioneer in Positive Psychology, identified 5 core elements to psychological wellbeing and happiness. By understanding each of the 5 factors that contribute to our happiness, we can work towards optimising each element to reach a life of fulfilment, happiness and meaning.
And when you see what these 5 factors are, I’ll bet you will find yourself in one of those “ah, of course!” moments. The five elements are:
P = Positive Emotions
This is more than feeling good. It’s about cultivating the right balance of positivity and optimistic outlook that we relish in life’s highs, finding the optimism to persevere with challenges and the resilience to tough out the life’s lows.
How: Adopt a positive perspective as much and as often as you can. Try positive thinking strategies and affirmations especially when self-doubt and sadness creeps in.
E = Engagement
You know what they say — time flies when you are having fun. Well, the same is true when you are fully immersed in doing something you enjoy and you are good at. Do you recall the last time you felt you were in your element or when you were in the zone…how the time just flew and the indescribable calm, focus and joy? And it isn’t limited to skills or activities we are already great at. Even if it’s something we enjoy but have not quite mastered yet, the practice and the development of these skills/hobbies can bring us happiness.
How: Find your happy thing(s) that brings a smile to your face. Find the time to explore and nurture your hobbies particularly if you like your work and/or family life is swallowing you up whole. Think back to what you used to enjoy doing as a child to rekindle passions you abandoned on your way to responsible adulthood.
R = Relationships
The benefits of having positive and mutually supportive relationships is well documented. Relationships are not about the number of Facebooks friends, it’s about meaningful social connections. I’d go further and say that relationships that bring us true happiness are the ones that energise us, where we can just be ourselves without feeling like we have to curate ourselves or our lives. For introverts like myself, even if we don’t necessarily draw our energies from external stimulations like parties and friends, having those close connections is still a happiness booster because it gives us a sense of belonging, makes us feel safe and valued. Another way of looking at the importance of relationship is the absence of it — the Covid pandemic has shone a torch on just how psychologically damaging that feeling of isolation can be.
How: Do a relationship audit to identify the relationships you really want to improve and cultivate. Whilst there is absolutely nothing wrong with having 200+ Facebook friends, how many will actually come to your rescue, how many really have your back through thick and thin. Spend more time on relationships with friends who treasure you just as you are, rather than spreading yourself thin with lots of “good time friends”.
M = Meaning
In other words, our Purpose or our Why. Without going all existential, the sense of being part of something bigger than ourselves is important so we feel that we are connected and that we matter. I don’t think it necessarily has to be something as grandiose as ‘save the planet’ or ‘cure cancer’ callings. Great if you feel the calling and have the talent, of course. For a mere mortal like me, I’d like to think that we can see the meaning to our lives if we matter to someone and what we do matters. If our contributions, whatever they are and however big or small, enables us to say: “I’ve contributed to making a difference. I’ve made someone happier, feel better, understand themselves, solve their problems, get what they want, whatever”. I’d like think we can see our purpose through our deliberate actions so that who we are and what we do is valued by someone whether it’s our families, our friends, our co-workers or our community.
How: Explore and work on our personal why. Is there a cause you passionately believe in, a community you want to serve or family/friends you want to devote time to? Working out how best can you help your chosen cause or your chosen people is how you can lead a life of purpose.
A = Achievement
You know those times when we day-dream about winning the Lotto, thinking to ourselves: “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just laze around and do nothing forever?” Yes, winning Lotto would be great. However, doing nothing at all will actually create boredom and sense of futility. Setting goals, working hard towards them is actually a driver of our happiness. Just think of the last time you accomplished something. How did you feel? Pretty happy and pretty chuffed with yourself, right! Our Achievement happiness comes from both the outcome of having worked hard and achieved our goal as well as the self- belief that we can go on achieving more.
How: Set your eyes on something you want to achieve — maybe even something to help with your PERM (Positive Emotions, Engagement, Relationship or Meaning). Set realistic goals and work hard towards achieving them. Celebrate the wins. And strive to achieve more.
Just as there is no one fixed recipe for Spaghetti Bolognese (every nonna will claim hers is the best), I personally see PERMA as the key ingredients to happiness where we need to each decide on the PERMA ratio that works best for us.
The value of the PERMA model for me is the crystallisation that having some of each of these factors is important for our overall sense of happiness and wellbeing. You can’t just talk yourself into being happy with positive thinking without paying attention to your ERMA. And that single-minded, achievement-oriented individualistic pursuit of happiness at the absolute sacrifice of relationships can be very isolating and ultimately detrimental to our overall wellbeing.
I can’t tell you how much of each you need. The fun really lies in experimenting with all five ingredients to see yourself thrive in life!
