Oct 23, 2021
I Couldn’t Sleep, So I Spoke To Myself
Don’t say I didn’t warn you — this is midnight brain vomit, read at your own risk.
There were times I couldn’t sleep and today’s one of them. There was just me, staring at the ceiling with my puny, struggling eyes. Surprisingly, it’s at times like this when you can really talk to yourself.
In the dead of night, no one’s gonna bug you about what you need to do. Technically all your responsibilities are asleep and there are no “priorities” that can hold you back from finally having that conversation with yourself.
Money worries
I was anxious. I thought I was thinking about money again. Finance was always a concern, at least to most people. With a bunch of bills to pay and mouths to feed, money will always be an issue whenever I think about it.
A clean slate — that’s how I would describe my bank account at the end of every month. It’s like a motel for money — they won’t stay for long. And to be frank, I have no idea how to break out of this rut.
It’s almost been an hour since I was staring at the ceiling. Since I can’t sleep anyway, might as well play some video games until I’m tired enough for bed. Out comes another question from my half-awake mind:
Why do I love playing video games?
I could spend hours and days playing games but it never occurred to me why I actually enjoy them. I remember the time when I would pack my Playstation 1 and a bunch of CDs whenever we were on vacation.
Don’t even get me started on my Gameboy console and my Pokemon games. I wouldn’t leave the house without them and packs of AA batteries.
Yes, I literally play video games during vacation which I can do the same at home. My parents would go explore on their own because I told them I wanted to play games at the hotel. Silly, but it was so much fun.
That’s not all — I could play the same video games over and over again. Here’s when I finally realized why I love them — I could get better at them. In other words, I can feel “progress” with games because it’s more visual.
Progress is important
For the most part, it’s harder to notice progress in real life. I could work on my benchpress or my writing skills but let’s be honest, it takes a long time to see tangible results.
Also, unlike video games, progress in real life is not exactly linear. It’s kinda like the stock market — some days you make progress, some days you stay the same, and occasionally, you do worst than before.
However, if you just review your progress for a longer period of time, you’d see improvement despite the ups and downs. All you needed was patience and some trust in the system.
The thing is, when things don’t seem to be moving (or they’re just moving too slow), you get demotivated. You start questioning the hell you’re doing with your life. Is something even worth your time? Are things gonna remain the same forever?
And thus, linking this “progress” thinking back to my money problems kinda just intensifies my negativity.
So again, after this brain vomit session during the middle of the night, here’s what I wanna tell myself about progressing in life:
- Things are moving, they’re just too slow for you to notice. Be patient and review long term;
- Trust the system, as long as you’re doing what you should be doing, things will happen with time;
- While you “wait for something to happen”, try enjoying life, say like playing some video games that you like;
