I Wanted To Feel Alive Again

No bluff no fluff of how I journaled for 30 days.

Image by Hannah Jacobson from Unsplash

Stuck, unmotivated, lifeless — these are the words describing how I was feeling for quite a while. I felt as though I’m just going through the motions every day and I was heading nowhere.

And then, I came across one of Ryan Holiday(a.k.a modern-day stoic)’s video about how journaling can get you your life back.

“Hah! It’s one of those journaling hoo-haa videos again”, I thought to myself. Then again, it IS Ryan Holiday talking about it so it must have some use to it.

Here’s a TLDR version of what is journaling — thinking about your life. It’s a daily practice that even one of the great rulers of Rome, Marcus Aurelius takes seriously. He uses journaling as a way to:

1. Clear his mind;
2. Visualizing challenges ahead;
3. Remind himself about what’s important;

This was exactly what I needed — clarity. I’m gonna admit that I had my doubts if this would even change anything but it’s still better than just doing nothing.

The “How” part

30 days — that’s how long this experiment was going to be. Other than some pages, ink, and a little time, I’ve got nothing to lose even if this doesn’t do anything.

Part of building a habit is to make it as simple as possible to follow through. The last thing I wanted was for journaling to feel like a chore. So I decided that the journal wasn’t going to have any quota, but rather sections that I can just write one-liners about. With how simple my journal was, I could get it done within 20 minutes, which I had no excuse to not do it.

Also, I journaled mostly first thing in the morning before I start my day job. That was the time when I’m at peace without having to worry about my commitments.

Section 1: 3 Grateful Things

Oprah Winfrey was an advocate for cultivating gratitude. She shared in an interview that she could notice the difference between times when she made journaling a priority and when she didn’t. She felt happier when she journaled because she could appreciate the little things more.

With that, I introduced this as the first section in my journal. I wrote one-liners about 3 little things that I can be grateful for. It can be something that happened the day before or even the smallest detail I noticed on the day I wrote the journal.

Here are a few of my humble one-liners:

• I woke up early today without snoozing too much;
• Excited about the new series I and my wife are going to binge on;
• The instant coffee this morning tastes better than usual;

Even today I still cringe at what I wrote sometimes. But I can’t discredit the fact that these little, mundane things were what made me appreciate daily life, just a little more.

Section 2: Focus of the day

This is the part where I set the intention for the day. I put more thought into this to determine what should be done for the day. And of course, to feel a little more guided.

I was tired of waking up lost for the day.

I write about 3 areas that I would like to focus on for the day instead of goals. So it feels like I’m setting the direction for the day rather than a concrete destination. I have a to-do list for the specific tasks to be done, so this part serves as a baseline for the tasks ahead.

It’s not life-changing, to be honest. I still get carried away sometimes with other stuff. However, I am now more aware of the time I’m spending on these time suckers.

It also became a little easier for me to come up with some form of system to limit temptations. For example:

• I realized I was not writing as much as I wanted to at my work desk, so I changed my “writing seat” to the dining table;
• Working out was on my focus list but I wasn’t paying enough attention to it, so I signed up for a 30-day workout program. This freed up my time of planning for my workouts, all I had to do was to show up;

Section 3: General reminders about life

As much as I want to remind myself of what’s important about life, I have the memory of a goldfish. I can’t even remember what I ate for breakfast, let alone following through with some traits that I wanted to build.

And this is also why I have this section in my journal. If I can’t remember by heart, writing them repeatedly every day should help me internalize some of it — I hope.

I wrote down 10 things that I wanted to remind myself every day. Just to name a few:

• “You always have a choice” — so that I remember there is always something I can do;
• “Hell yes or no” — so that I don’t say yes to everything;
• “Anger solves nothing” — to keep my emotions at bay;
• “Speak your mind” — speaking up for myself;
• “Amor Fati” — to love my fate;

There’s more to this but this is a dynamic list. This means that if some items felt irrelevant to my life at some point, I’ll remove or replace them with something else.

Although I can’t say for sure I’m a completely changed man at this point, I do feel more mindful about my decisions.

Section 4: Quotes of the day

I’m not kidding, I hand-copied 10–15 quotes that I found relatable throughout the month. I felt like a first-grader again with homework due every morning.

However, after some time, it transitioned into a conversation with philosophers, in the morning when the world is still quiet. I’d relate to some quotes more than others on some days, which could be due to what happened the day before.

Just to name a few of my favorite stoic quotes:

• You can leave life now. Let that determine what you do, say, and think — Marcus Aurelius
• Wealth is not in having great possessions but in having few wants — Epictetus
• Happiness is to be content and enjoy the present — Seneca

To make things simpler, I’ve cut them down to 5 quotes a day now. They can be a reminder of my favorite quotes or something new that I see on my random quotes app.

New Sections: Sleep Journal

I read James Clear’s blog about one-liner journaling and only decided to add these new sections after the 30 days of journaling. I should’ve done this sooner because it’s been helpful so far.

I’ve been feeling groggy than usual so I wanted to track my sleep to find out if there was anything wrong. I took James Clear’s advice to write a one-liner about how I felt about my sleep last night.

It wasn’t long after I started journaling about my sleep that I realized I was sleeping way later than I should. The chronic sleep debt has been piling up and started affecting my energy levels.

Duh, I already knew this before (who doesn’t?). But crystalizing the problem by writing them down helped remind me that this problem is going to go on if I don’t change anything.

Here were some patterns that I discovered when I was in bed:

• Watching random Indian street food YouTube videos;
• Scrolling Shopee for their free shipping deals;
• A little too much late-night movies — bad for the eyes too;
• Sometimes, late-night coffee (terrible idea);

I haven’t completely rid myself of all these bad habits but I can proudly say that I’m keeping some of them at bay. I’m more aware when I’m engaging in these bad habits and it’s easier to stop doing them too.

At least better than before.

New Sections: Mood Journal

This was also introduced to me in James Clear’s blog. The purpose and method are the same as sleep journaling but this records my mood for the day instead.

There were days when I can pinpoint how I was feeling and put them into words: Sad, happy, excited, etc. However, more often than not, I found it hard to define my feelings.

Somedays, I just don’t really feel anything, more like a void. On these occasions, my mood journal would kinda turn into a mini-version of a morning page (popularized by Julia Cameron).

Tim Ferriss explains morning pages as brain vomit in this video, I couldn’t agree more. I did feel lighter after these morning pages sessions, just like how you would feel after vomiting.

In Summary

It’s been more than 2 months since I started journaling and it’s still going strong. Here’s what I feel after this experiment:

• Less anxiety and grounded to the present a little more;
• Able to appreciate little things that happen in life more;
• Life feels more intentional, rather than just surviving;

Before I let you go, these reminders might help you get started with journaling if you’re interested:

1. You’re journaling for yourself, so no one will judge what you write;
2. You can get a new journal if you want, but I just used my old used journals;
3. Make it as easy as possible (one-liner for everything if that’s what it takes);