Member-only story
Sometimes, I miss my abusive ex but those feelings are a lie
How trauma bonding masks itself as love and how it returns to haunt you years after breaking free
My dog died on March 7. It was pretty traumatic and not the peaceful passing I would have wished for her. A few days later, I texted my ex to let him know. I hadn’t spoken to him in about two years. We don’t communicate and it’s better that way, but when my dog passed, I was drowning in grief and guilt. Before my ex and I were together, he had two dogs with his ex-wife. He’d asked me if I was okay with him going to go see them in Colorado (we were in NJ). I knew he was still hung up on his ex-wife because he was sneaking calls to her, so I said no. I was only 18 at the time and this was my first serious relationship, but my gut told me saying yes would have been a bad idea. It would have been much more than just “seeing his dogs.”
To be honest, if he really wanted to go, there was no way that I could have stopped him. I was a stupid, naive teenager. He was a 28-year-old man. And being the inexperienced and isolated teen I was, I probably would have put up with it. I put up with a lot of things he did back then.
Still, as I sat in my grief over the passing of my beloved Milla, guilt began to drown me. Had I cheated my ex of the…
