The Space Between Stimulus and Response
I would like to start by quoting one of my favorites by Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor who said, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space, we have the power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
The gap between stimulus and response is an everlasting concept that can be useful in every area of life. For me, this concept means that between the time of an event or experience, which can be speech, acts, or interactions, and our reaction to what we hear (or believe we hear), we always have the choice of the attitude we bring to it.
No matter what the circumstances are, we can always choose our attitude. I know you’re thinking it’s easier said than done, since I felt the same way. When emotions are high, rationality becomes irrelevant. I am overwhelmed by them, dragged back into the scenario, and react in a single second. More space is certainly beneficial, but it is also difficult to create. However, I have learned that one way to do so is by labeling what you are feeling.
Labeling: I’m experiencing palpitations; my palms are sweating; I feel fidgety; I feel tightness in my chest; I feel angst in my throat, etc. When I started labeling my emotions, I had significantly less physiological arousal and less fear. I also felt more at ease during my interactions. What’s crucial to note is that when I fully felt my emotions but didn’t define them, I ended up being more agitated. You’ve got to feel what is going on, and then you’ve got to label it.
In other words, it is the act of labeling that creates the space between stimulus and response.
During a heated argument or difficult discussion when I take a pause to simply experience what’s going on, I’m likely to become overly immersed in those feelings, and that’s when the space is created. The feeling of anxiety, nervousness and deeply feeling despair is no fun. However, knowing or observing yourself experience any of these emotions is less negative. I try thinking of it this way: while I label, I’m watching an intense movie rather than being in it or consumed by it. If we do so we have more space and freedom to choose what to do next. What is happening in the movie maybe intense, and it maybe causing all kinds of emotions, but we are still separate from it.
The power of affect labeling is enormous, but it takes practice. It would be a lie if I said I don’t react at all and I am always calm whenever I am part of an argument, but I am learning and I am more mindful of my emotions than I used to be. Knowing something’s true name definitely gives the knower power over it. I listen to podcasts and read about labeling emotions and learn that the more granular we are in naming our feelings, the better off we are — say, palpitations or tingling instead of anxiety or longing instead of depression.
Knowing something’s name gives you control over it, and the more precise — and true — your naming is, the more power you have. With additional power comes more space. And with more space comes the ability to respond rather than react.
