Why The Stoics Thought That Happy Lives Detach from Needy Relationships
A brief defense of Stoicism’s most controversial advice
Stoic philosophy is known for its toolbox of “spiritual exercises” to help you deal with life. But it seems limited with its advice on relationships. Epictetus (50–135 CE), a prominent Stoic philosopher in Rome, argues that to be happy, you must detach from the things and the people you love:
If you kiss your own child or wife, say to yourself that you are kissing a human being; for when they die you will not be disturbed (Handbook, 3).
How does that advice even make sense? Attachment makes relationships possible at all. Let me explain with a story.
My first serious relationship at university was with a woman named Amy. She was (is) attractive, intelligent, and understood my weird interest in intellectual topics for their own sake. But when summer began, I wanted our relationship to end.
Amy lived in Kansas and we studied in Texas. When the school year ended, then, I dropped her off as part of my own cross-country trip. But my departure was delayed when her town was struck by a tornado.
Fortunately, no real damage transpired. But it is a mark of my youthful immaturity that for the next two weeks I…
