You’re Not In Crisis, Just Shedding Your Next Layer to Embrace Your Evolving Identity
Be more comfortable in your own skin at any age with this strategy
“There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.”– Benjamin Franklin
Questioning my identity seems to be a common occurrence. Who do I want to be now? For my speck of a time here on this earth, am I still living my purpose?
As adults, we can get lost in the lie that we are supposed to have it all figured out. Or even if we do figure it out to some small degree, it’s a fixed state of being.
Malarkey.
What if the questioning is necessary to becoming the next, newer, better, more emboldened version of ourselves? I like to think of it as a shedding the next layer to a more intimate knowing.
Life is always in flux, so we are always in flux. Growing, adapting, changing, evolving.
Identity “Crises” Happen On the Regular
My 16-year-old-son said to me the other day “I’m having an identity crisis.” Transitioning from being a kid to young adulthood is a big change. He’s questioning: What kind of human do I want to be? Do I really want to care as much about what other people think of me?
These are big and meaningful questions.
As I listened to my son, I realized yet again, I am doing the very same thing, just in a different age and stage. Empty nester syndrome is real! I am questioning my next version of my identity, my renewed vision of myself.
We all do this realignment in our own ways, reframing who we are and who we want to be. What if what we think of as an identity crisis is a refresh? Peeling away the needed layers for a deeper knowing of what makes you, you.
It’s Life’s Scariest Events
And it’s often the scariest events in our lives that gently nudge or even forcefully throw us into these questioning tailspins. A milestone birthday. A sudden injury. A move to a new city.
Change brings loss and loss brings uncertainty. For my son it’s the loss of childhood, for me the loss of my role of caring for young people under my roof.
For those of us who want to stay awake to life, uncertainty ends up leading to big questions around these new pieces of our story changes how we see and understand ourselves.
Whatever it is, the formula to recalibrate and feel comfortable in your own skin is the same.
Get Comfortable in Your Own Skin (Again) Plan:
This is the strategy I use every time I am ready to shed another layer and refresh my identity.
- Get clear on what I value most. Decide on three words that drive you at your core. When I asked my son, he landed on integrity, faith, and patience. These can change, remember, life is in flux. What’s yours this season?
- Remind myself daily, failure is only failure if I ignore the opportunities it provides. This is not easy as a recovering perfectionist, hence the daily reminder. Those opportunities could be for resilience, discernment, or perhaps more bandwidth to be brave. You are not your job, your emotions, or your relationship; they are simply gifts in your life that change.
- Be willing to mess up and try something new. We are all fumbling and trying to do our best. And sometimes we stumble our way into the sweetest parts of our story. An unlikely friendship that blossoms at the perfect time, a career path you never expected, or a bone-deep sense of gratitude holding your grandbaby after beating cancer.
- Rewire any and all negative self-deprecating chatter: “I’m too…,” “I don’t deserve…,” “No one will like me if…” First, ask yourself, is it actuallyt true? Most often the answer is no. We all get trapped in negative thought spirals. Stopping them is where we need more practice. Second, envision who you would be without this thought. We often hold onto beliefs that are untrue, unfounded, and downright soul-crushing. The Greek philosopher Epictetus said “we are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens.”
- Let love flow. Get better at loving yourself, and then let that love overflow to others. Love is what we were all made for and the more we feel it, sense it, and share it the more confidence, freedom, and comfort we find in ourselves and in life.
“I’m convinced that loving ourselves is the most difficult and courageous thing we’ll ever do. Maybe we’ve been given a finite amount of time to find that self-love…It’s time to let go of the shame and fear and embrace love.”
Brené Brown always hits it on the nose, not only because she knows her shame research but also through her vulnerability about her own struggles.
Whether you are 16 or 106, refreshing your identity is how we shed our old, unneeded layers to continue to know ourselves as we evolve. It’s our way of redefining who we are alongside the grief, the loss, the unpredictability that is now making us into the next best version of who we are designed to be: Perfectly imperfect humans just ‘walking each other home,’ as the wise sage Ram Dass once said.
