10 Lessons I Learned From My Emotionally Unavailable Mother
That helped me in life.
When I was about 8 years old, I realized that my mother was emotionally unavailable.
Not that I was familiar with that term at the age of 8. I’m not even sure if that term existed then. But given my natural inclination for self-reflection, I became acutely aware that my mum wasn’t there for me, at least not emotionally.
Not that my mother was totally unemotional, I think she was a cold person who didn’t know how to share warmth and affection. Coupled with her love for subtle manipulation by withdrawing love, her coldness only made things worse, from my perspective.
Finding myself in a situation where I had zero control (I was blissfully unaware how many more of those situations were coming my way later in life), I resorted to the only thing I could control in that situation. My mind.
Of course, I wasn’t capable of sitting down and finding answers at 8 years old. It took me some years, I must confess. But the exercise was definitely worth it.
Below are some lessons that my mother taught me by not being — emotionally — there for me. Which I’m eternally grateful for, because they shaped my personality and helped me in life.
1. I learned to see through mind games
My mother’s manipulative techniques provided a frame of reference for years to come. Immensely helpful in personal and work relationships. I learned to sense the manipulator’s vibe, and identify manipulative words, behavior and tactics very early on in the interaction. To the point where it was so predictable that it was almost boring.
2. I learned to detach myself from toxic relationships
When I find myself in an unpleasant situation outside of my control, the first thing to do is detach myself emotionally from that situation and do it quickly. The second thing is to start thinking. Detachment comes handy here. No one can think clearly when they are overemotional.
3. I learned that it’s not my fault
I refused to believe that another person’s toxic behavior was my fault, even if it was my mum’s behavior. I found that it was very helpful to break down any associations between the person’s toxic behavior and my own personality.
4. I learned to avoid unnecessary hassle
Often, in a toxic relationship, we make things worse when we spend too much time and effort on trying to understand the manipulator, establish an open conversation and fix things. A manipulator doesn’t want to ‘be fixed’. Sometimes it’s wiser to walk away and leave them alone.
5. I learned not to play the therapist
It’s pointless to spend time and mental effort on finding answers why the person did this or that, especially if the person is unwilling to face the fact that their behavior is causing harm. Plus, I’m not qualified to deal with other people’s psychology. All I can do is look at myself.
6. I learned that I could find love elsewhere
No matter how unloved we feel in a relationship, there’s always someone out there who is prepared to give us the love and affection we deserve. We just have to find these people. I learned not to get disheartened by the love I didn’t get, but instead to keep looking elsewhere.
7. I learned to give my love to the right people
I decided that I was going to be very selective about who I was sharing my affection with. I give my love to people who, like me, prefer healthy two-way relationships, or are at least trying hard. I’m emotionally unavailable to people who prefer to manipulate others into submission.
8. I learned to break behavior patterns
The greatest risk of toxic relationships is that they breed more toxic relationships. Before having my own kids I promised myself that I wouldn’t mindlessly repeat and pass to the next generation my mum’s unhealthy behavior pattern. No matter what happens in my relationship with my kids, I always remember that promise, to keep myself in check.
9. I learned to forgive
Forgiveness isn’t about kindness, no. Forgiveness is about learning to let go of the painful memories of the toxic relationship, and not dwelling on the person’s behavior, and my own pathetic reactions. Unforgiveness creates yet another unhealthy attachment in our minds that may affect our future relationships.
10. I learned to love myself
From a very young age, I learned to trust myself and my intuition, respect my feelings, believe in myself and love myself. Okay, that took me somewhat (much) longer than anticipated.
If there was only one life skill that I’d teach absolutely all kids on this planet, that would be the ability to find love within us, not relying on other people to give love to us.
Our self-esteem and self-love shouldn’t depend on other people. Yes, humans are social beings. Yes, we rely on social interactions for our emotional and physical wellbeing. Yet, these interactions are so much easier and healthier if we fully appreciate our own personality and the value we bring to this world. Because then we can treat others with honesty and respect, too.
