10 Things I No Longer Believe About Boundary Setting
Boundaries matter for all of us
For years I struggled with boundary setting, and still do on occasion. But I’m getting better at saying no.
Boundaries matter a lot. Without them, we can be treated as doormats. Our mental health suffers. Resentment and regrets build.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
We can learn to say no. And we don’t need to give an explanation.
“No, thank you. I don’t want to see that movie.”
“No, thanks. I can’t take on another responsibility.”
“I can’t give you that information. It’s personal.”
I’ve learned a lot about boundaries in the last 12 years especially. Along the way, I’ve dispelled my own boundary-related myths.
I trust that sharing these things will resonate with you. May they also encourage and inspire you.
#1
My feelings and desires don’t matter as much as yours.
Your feelings, thoughts, opinions, and desires matter. But so do mine. I should never ignore what I want or feel is best for me to keep the peace with you. Deferring to your desires in spite of my own is a bad idea for so many reasons.
#2
You have to be okay with my boundaries.
You don’t have to like my boundaries. In fact, it’s okay if they make you angry. Your anger isn’t going to make me change my mind. Even though I don’t like it, I’ve learned to accept your anger and put distance between us if I need to.
#3
It’s better to keep the peace than set a boundary.
Boundaries distinguish what is yours and mine, and what is okay for you versus what is okay for me. We may not agree. But if my boundary disrupts our relationship that’s okay. If that happens, it’s a sign the boundary was needed.
#4
I have to answer all the questions asked of me.
That’s not true. If I don’t want to give an answer, I can say that’s personal. I don’t have to answer every question, especially the nosy ones. And I don’t have to give an explanation for why I won’t answer. You need to learn to be okay with not knowing. I’m learning to be okay with not explaining.
#5
I have to explain my boundaries.
As the saying goes, no is a complete sentence. Less is more also applies. I don’t have to tell you why I can’t do something or why I can’t go somewhere. It’s okay to “just say no”.
#6
It’s rude to set a boundary.
I still struggle with this one, but I know it’s not true. Saying no is actually self-respect. And self-respect is vital. If we can’t respect ourselves, how can we respect others? In some cases, the other person was being rude, and that is what necessitated the boundary.
#7
If someone asks me to do something, I should do it.
It depends. If I want to, by all means, I can and will say yes. But if what I’m being asked doesn’t align with my values or is something I don’t have time for, I can say no. In fact, I can say no for any reason.
#8
If someone does me a favour, I should return it.
That depends on the favour. For example, in the online world, if someone subscribes to my YouTube channel, I can subscribe to theirs if I like their content. If I don’t like their content, I won’t subscribe even if they ask me.
#9
All comments online deserve a reply.
No, they don’t. If someone is rude or their comment has nothing to do with the content or misses the point of what was being said, it’s okay to ignore and/or block the person — especially if they have a practice of doing this.
#10
Boundary setting means you don’t care about the other person.
Not true. Not everyone understands boundaries. In those cases, the most loving thing you can do is to enforce your own. It’s what they need. It’s what you need. And sometimes you have to care about people from a distance.
Boundary setting doesn’t mean you’re being rude or that you don’t care. It means that you take your mental health seriously. Because if you’re not healthy, how can you be good to anyone else?
Burnout, stress, and resentment from a lack of boundaries are not the best for anyone.
So, if you struggle in this area, learn about boundaries and their benefits and start practicing.
It’s worth it. You’re worth it.
